I Am Alive

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: House of Ghosts
The most personal thing I've ever written, and I apologize if it doesn't come across the same as it did in my head. If I had to summarize, I'd basically say I care for every friend and person I meet despite how they might react if they knew certain things about me. Because it's all ok, I'm alive. That's all that matters.

Submitted: January 29, 2016

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Submitted: January 29, 2016

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At first I speak rapidly, high volume distracting truths

I don’t want you to know

Wear three layers of clothes each day

Regardless of temperature 

To hide protruding bones

Eat empty lunches, pretend I’m not hungry

Make jokes, play Jester, avert my eyes

And hide scars.

 

Deep down I’m sure you’d say, “It wasn’t your fault.”

 

If I told you the story would you keep me 

In your inner circle I crave a larger part in,

The place where you laugh with joy

As I flutter about timid like moth to a flame,

Or would you point to stage left and yell cut?

 

Behind images I can't forget ache four years of eternity,

Wounds I can’t repair, and believe me I’ve tried,

Come close, so close now, almost… ALMOST!

But still I suffocate.


Would you call me “friend” If I let you into the place I bury secrets?

 

We live in a world where people pretend to care,

Offer expected sympathy, look away masking guilty eyes

That hide their true feelings.

They think when it has nothing to do with them, what’s the point?

Empty offerings into empty stomachs do nothing.
 

Not a god damn thing.

 

Don’t touch me with those eyes, I don’t need glue

It won’t mend a single piece you callously call self-pity

And I apologize, 

I know it's my own fault because how could you know

When I never let you see the injuries?

I kept you, everyone, everything

At a distance longer than the Great Wall

While I was tearing things apart afraid to let you in,

Fearing if you came too close I’d collapse.

 

Would hate me knowing I never explained how I escaped from a Torturer?

 

You didn’t know back then when I was embracing the taste

Of freedom for the very first time, oh god how grand it was,

I never knew you could have so much freedom!

I marveled, it was so beautiful that I wanted every single thing

Even when I wanted nothing, when it hurt and I hid away

I still wanted everything and nothing

And if you knew this, what would you say?

 

Silence scares me, in silence I am most alone.

I could have perished back then but I am alive…

I am so fucking alive.

 

What would you say if I told you,

That I love each and every one of you 

More than I l have ever loved myself

And despite all the things I still refuse to tell you?


© Copyright 2019 M.H. Parabola. All rights reserved.

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