The Philosophy On Living A Good Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 03, 2017

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Submitted: November 03, 2017



The Philosophy On Living A Good Life

An Afterthought On My Ayahuasca Journey


Death. I remember that it felt like death. I remember losing my mind, like it wasn't even possible to let go of my own identity. It was as if my idea of self has been erased, journeying me into a dark abyss moving farther from my physical body. It felt dark. I saw spirits dancing as the shamans were playing some sort of spiritual sound. They were talking to me, like someone whom I knew for a long time; telling me all my dark thoughts. They were a reflection of myself.

The Journey. The Ayahuasca experience allowed me to speak with my subconscious, opening all the desires I've ever wanted to see. Expecting a lot from the experience, I was told to give an intention before drinking the sacred Ayahuasca tea. The intention is to determine what the visions might appear in your trip. Without any knowledge on what it would turn out to be, I simply said, “Show me what life should be like and go easy on me.” Fasting for a week is required to have a very meaningful and spiritual trip. It is normal for people that drink it to vomit due to its acidity.

As I vomit what felt like the last remaining liquid inside my body, I released all my negative energy, or ego, or maybe all the desires and pleasures I wish were part of my natural self, like it was all gone. It was symbolic and sacred. Tribes from Peru have done this practice as a form of cleansing the soul. I may have thrown my negative energy out verbally, for all the people in the ceremony to hear. There was one instance when I just had to release all the sexual tension I was feeling towards a woman in the ceremony, and later on realized that it was embarrassing. Aya taught me that there was nothing to feel ashamed about as I was just being myself, trying to release all the pleasures I was craving on. At least I knew then that what I did was of good will to procreate. I could have hurt her, but I didn’t because it was not in my nature to do so. No one is perfect. We are all flawed. Cleansed and healed from the negative energy, it felt liberating. My ego was stripped away, and it felt like I didn't need it to define who I am. I was able to observe my usual thinking patterns and needed some reframing. I feel better, like a person reborn from all energies merged into one body.

The psychedelic experience. The earlier phases of my journey felt like my spirit left my body. Colors of green, red and yellow were all I could see regardless whether or not my eyes were closed. I saw the eye of providence and an image of a pyramid, both of which were dancing in translucent colors. Images of eyes, much like the all seeing eye in a one dollar bill, were looking at me as if they were observing my thought patterns. It was scary and amusing at the same time. I feel like the all seeing eye is always present in any psychedelic episode because we see the nature of a person just by looking at him straight in the eye. Our subconscious is telling us that the eye sees through one’s spirit. 

The spirit realm. Towards the middle of my trip was when I felt my spirit lingering in the spirit realm. The shaman, who acted as a medium between the physical and spiritual realm, was responsible for keeping me near the physical realm, so I would not be lost in the abyss. Scary as it may seem, I felt both dead and alive at the same time. As I felt my thoughts grow darker, I had a very difficult time finding the light. I have seen spirits inside the room. One was beside me, the other standing across the room. A hint of consciousness is telling me not to look them in the eye in fear of something worse than just looking at them. I am not even entirely sure if they were human, maybe elves possibly. All I know is that they were there in the moment of my active spiritual side. During the absence of my consciousness, I saw a wolf that guided me back to the shaman. It may even be possible that the wolf might be my spirit animal, channeling both our inner instincts as living creatures and how I eerily resemble its characteristics toward the light. I was hallucinating and felt euphoria at some point in my trip. Later on, I felt a source of energy that brought me back to my physical body. It was liberating. I felt recollected with my conscious being, but that didn’t last long.

The fruit I was holding felt slightly larger than what would have been normal when seen by the sober eye. The first bite felt like bliss, like I was ascending my reality onto the fruit. The trip that felt like 3 hours in my mind, actually was just an hour on the clock. This realization had me thinking that time is just a concept. It does not exist within our minds if we choose to be in the present moment. The feeling of being recollected with my conscious being was short and sudden, then later on transcended into a mental loop.

The mental loop. This was the scariest experience I have ever had in my entire physical, emotional and spiritual life. As the term implies, my thoughts were repetitive. A feeling you get when you think of going outside a door, only to find out that once you open it, you're back to the thought of just about to turn the knob. Think of the movie Insidious and the concept of Astral Projection. It’s creepily similar to what I encountered and believe me, it was real. This may have a relation with letting go of the ego. I had a very hard time letting go a part of myself that it took me a longer time to transcend to a higher being. This part of myself was definitely the ego. I was in a constant battle with myself, trying to avoid being selfless because I thought I valued that part of my identity the most. If I let go of my attachments sooner, the mental loop could have been cut short, but it didn't because it was one of my most valued parts of my identity. This was the part when I've been hearing my demons speak to me, telling me that I'm always high with a very sinister laugh (I smoke too much weed on a regular basis as part of my identity.) Not the type of demon you see on horror movies, I've come to realize that the demons were a part of myself, a dark side of myself, speaking to me at the time of my hallucination. Eventually I just had to let go, even if it literally felt like death, otherwise I would have been stuck in the mental loop for a longer time. No living creature would like to experience it for fun. Once I did let go of the self, I felt like a spiritual being transcended into a philosophical turbine of introspection and realizations on life.

The stage of enlightenment. I felt connected with everyone. Humans, animals, plants. I felt like we are all connected from the same root with similar energies. I saw visions that cannot be seen by our very own human eyes. I’ve been blessed by the substance with the ability to see that humans should not act like gods because we are all equal. I felt like a god at some point of this enlightenment, being able to see how humans are connected with our ability to feel collectively conscious with one another despite differences. It felt good, but too much vision had me thinking, at the end of this all, we are still flawed humans. Similar to what our structure in this world is happening right now, in this capitalist world, people are driven by their egos. We think we are human when we feel stuck, when we feel pride, when we are jealous, when self-importance feels like our drive for success. That is how we want to act as gods. Anything pleasurable in excess is destructive, even desires more so. Ego has taken over our way of life. The visions I saw are correct, and it saddens me how we feel like this is the way to live. We cannot blame ourselves for this kind of thinking because we were raised as such.

I felt that balance in life is very important. Balance is key to handling a satisfying life. Ego, the natural self, the pleasures and desires in life, the negative energies: all these should be in equal proportions. Anything exceeding the other will lead to an unsatisfying craving in life. By stripping away our ego, desires and pleasures, we become selfless as Aya taught us how we should be as living creatures, to ascend to higher consciousness. We become higher beings if we let go of the idea of the self, giving up our desires and worldly materialistic attachments. Without attachments, we are able to see the truth in our humanistic nature: that is to be loving of one another and to be accepting of each other despite our inequality based on our upbringing. If we strip away our desire for personal gain, I am certain that you will feel much more altruistic and free, in the process of attracting love like moths to a flame.

If we get attached to our ego and let it consume our day to day living, we get to live a life of jealousy and dissatisfaction, because we are always in search of something that would make us feel superior to other people. The media has been lying to us all along. They keep telling us that materialistic attachments are important to satisfy our needs, because we fear that we may not be connected with others if we don't have this specific need to buy something. This is the very desire of capitalism. Fear sells. That is why we crave for material possessions. If the metric to having a good life is based on material wealth grounded in this earth, then that is not a very good way to live. In fact, there is no good life. There is no good life, without experiencing first the bad. That is what Aya has taught me. Balance -- benevolence and malevolence, it is within our nature to feel both. If we set goals solely based on material wealth, then the chance of having a midlife crisis is like your close relative eagerly waiting for you at the airport that once met, there is nothing else but to think to yourself, "now what?" Goals should be about developing the self through constant learning and improvement from personal experiences and learnings from other people.

In search of meaning. I learned that ego will always be within us as it is part of our human nature to feel these desires. We cling onto ego because it feels good. It empowers us and makes us think that we can achieve greater things. What made me realize later on is that we get to choose how we remain associated with these desires, or let go and let live. Life is an everlasting rollercoaster of temptations and pleasures, which we can never avoid. However, if we become open to others, not thinking about taking advantage of them for personal gain, we become selfless. We are able to see the world within our own universe: that life is not meant to be feared from what people view us to be. Life is meant to be understood from the universe within our minds. We should not let others define our identity because if we know (and love) ourselves well enough, there won't be any constant search of approval from others.

Love is the message. I wish to become a more hyper intuitive version of myself from this point forward, though I must admit there are certain times my thoughts keep bringing me back to the systemized version of myself prior to the spiritual ceremony. I hope you take my philosophy with a grain of salt because each life experience is different. We never had the same upbringing, but as humans, our nature is to feel the same, to feel one with everyone. I thank Ayahuasca for the very life changing spiritual experience. For those who are still deciding whether or not they should widen their horizons, I highly recommend exploring your thoughts. The experience is not for the most upright people, but it would definitely help them the most as they get to learn more about themselves, especially the thoughts that can't be heard by the conscious mind. Life is about love, and not the ego running it around. The ego is a distraction and a lesson in itself. That attachments don't define who they are. That it is just a validation of one's identity. Be selfless. Be loving. Be accepting. I hope to see your views in the higher state. 

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