I should be sleeping.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
I am, a professional sleeper, procrastinator, and I have a very fragile heart currently. Be patient with me.

Submitted: October 28, 2009

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Submitted: October 28, 2009

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So, I must tell someone. Today, is a great day. Maybe, not that great. But.. It's pretty fucking great. Pretty, fucking amazing. I am going to Humboldt this weekend, and thank god because, SLO is killing my internal organs. I cannot handle not having someone to dance with. I  do, like someone. Ew. I haven't really admitted that for awhile. Caroline made me feel like I was this bad person for being gay. And you know what, I am happy when I'm gay. When I am dating boys, I feel dirty, filthy, as if I myself am walking around half naked. I feel, naked. Not myself. I don't like to fuck boys, sorry. Get over it. You know what I can't get over... the dreams I am having. So SO so, lame. You looked so sad today. Funny, because I did yesterday. I don't like it when you look sad. I don't like it at all. You looked, drained, tired, lonely. You look, lonely lately. I am sorry if you are lonely, being lonely, is well. A shit feeling. Welcome to my life? Nope, not anymore. Take it from Jenny Lewis "being lonely is a habit, like smoking or taking drugs, i've quit them both, but man it was rough." Did you know, that I miss my best friend. Mhm.

Its the truth.

The truth is, I am in this whole stage of finding someone, because, I miss it. Maybe, for some people who have never woken up to someone they love, maybe its just luck to find another... But to me, its just this huge beautiful tihng. I could tell you about every single amazing moment I had, just because I loved. I loved until my insides grew weak, my heart started to mend. And, I used to make breakfast for another person, chocolate chip waffles.

I haven't felt like I was ready to move on, until recently. And now, its this huge... sick twisted bullshitkdjghdkljghd. I haven't felt like my heart was ready to take on another person, until well about two weeks ago. I have a feeling you will be in Humboldt this weekend, because, you always are. Its Halloween weekend. Last Halloween you didn't come home until 2:30, ditched me, and then wanted to fuck. And, I said, No. I got up after you fell asleep and I went home. You texted me in the morning wondering where I went, and I said... I think, you need to be nice to me. And, you came over and made me tea. But, that didn't fix it, because later that night you wanted to have sex again, and I cried. I cried, so hard. I cried until I heaved, and you just sat there. You said you were sorry, and I said, I want a break. And, you brought over my shoes the enxt day, and yo uheld me while I watched you cry. I just needed a few moments of space, some air. Some time to think before you were so fucking ready to get into my pants. God damnit. I was not your toy, but i should made myself your toy. And... For that, I am sorry. I am sorry you saw me at my weakest point. Its a year now, and I have let you go. I have, a crush. A crush, that will not go the fuck away. And, its driving me crazy. I forgot what it felt like to like someone. I forgot what it feels like...

I also, forget what it feels like to have a best friend. Need to work on that shtit. Gotta get my homegirl back, for... She is my family. My community. My, best friend.

It is sleep time.

oh, the perks of being young.



© Copyright 2020 Mackenzie Whittaer. All rights reserved.

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