If you say no, my bones are going to break.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Listen to the quite night. Tell the story of a thousand year, before the time of men appears.

Submitted: November 06, 2009

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Submitted: November 06, 2009

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I don't ask for a lot. But, what I do ask for is always a long term benefit. It's always, a long term benefit, that will help not just me, but others.

Today, I asked my grandparents to help me go to school in Eureka. And, they flaked on Africa, fine, everyone flakes on me. But, I hope they don't flake on this. On me. On, my education. Because, I cannot handle a no. I handle asswholes who say no, all day long. I handle my crazy manipulative parents, who are never there. I handle my fucking asswhole of a father, who's only words to me, are nothing. And, I can't handle someone telling me, no. I am just, 18. I am, a baby. And, sometimes, they think that I'm a 32 year old women, who has birthed children. But, I haven't. I have raised my siblings, and taken care of myself, but I am still a baby. I am a baby in the way my heart allows itself to feel. I, am just, 18. 

Sometimes, they forget this. They all, forget this. When they send me on my way, and tell me to go kick ass, they leave me with nothing. Absolutely, nothing. They left me with nothing when they new I was homeless, and refused to have me in there life. They refused, me, from day one. And, I am picking up everyone slack, everyones bullshit, hindering it inside my stomach. And, I just need to say, I deserve this. I deserve to go to college. I deserve, to be happy. Because, all my life, its been a struggle, my entire 18 years, I have had to fight for school. And, I'm not so sure why I'm such a threat to my parents, but I'm sick of fighting for school.

I'm sick. To my stomach. One day, your here, the next, your gone. You have flown accross the country, and left me high and dry to clean your house.

I don't, ask for much. In fact, I don't ask. I never, ask. I never... Unless, I know that I cannot pull it off. And this I cannot handle. I can't handle doing it on my own, while dealing with all the other shit. And, you see, this is what the world doesn't know about me is that, I am not strong. Unless, I am near my friends, my home, my comfort. I need them. I strive, when I am near them I don't care if I wake up next to two sleepy boys that smell. Oh, no. I just care that, they're there. Because, I need them. I neeeed them. Maybe, that makes me small. Maybe that makes me seem less strong. I've got no one, and I need them. I just, do. There is no doubt about it. My stomach, is healed as soon as I see their faces. And, I need to be held sometimes. I need, to be able to rely on people, and they are it. My friends, in Humboldt mean more to me, than anyone in the entire fucking world. They mean more to me, than this place. Maybe, I shouldn't admit that, except its the truth. It's the truth, because they're my family. My real family, are there, when it benefits them. But not my friends, they are there even when they shouldn't be.

Sometimes, my family, forgets, just how much I want to be a teacher.

I'll be a teacher.

No doubt, there.

Give me the tools, and I'll make it.

No fucking around there.


© Copyright 2019 Mackenzie Whittaer. All rights reserved.

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