Time to Pretend?

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is one post of many that will serve as some of my thoughts at the end of a day. It's structure will very, but my goal is to start a good writing habit.
I want to write what i feel in an effort to connect with others and see if others feel the same way about certain things.

Submitted: July 26, 2016

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Submitted: July 26, 2016




I often think I live a life with standards above others. I write off the interests of people and the common smalltalk conversation points. But I’ve been noticing that perhaps I’m no better at all. Conversations about traffic, weather, and pop culture give me this visceral reaction that plays these lines on repeat in my head that echo “is this what they really care about,” or “how can you focus your energy on that.” It’s quite narcissistic and shallow to judge the thoughts of others, no matter how convoluted or careless they are because half of the shit that runs through my head would do a lot more harm than their piecemealed anecdotes. The reason i question my own thinking is because of the fact that these judgements have caused me to not participate in a lot of social situations. I’m not one to make it deliberate or sit on my high horse and spew hatred, but in my own fucked head i make myself out to be the more intelligent person who is a rebel hell bent on climbing out of a herd of mindless sheep. That’s always been how my mind works and it’s something that has haunted me in my social life for as long as I can remember. It’s like i see human interactions as a part of this big game that's end goal is to distract you from what this world is really about.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe people need to look up every once in awhile and gain some perspective on our true place in the universe. But it would be nice if I could just buy into those distractions sometimes to turn the switch off in my brain that repeatedly collects all of my thoughts into a box full of self hatred, existential depression, and a fear of who I’m gonna become. I used to think music served that purpose for me. Using it to unwind and connect to something that showcases certain emotional commonplaces. But I’ve also come to realize that most of  the music I listen to conveys a lot of what I wallow in already (self hatred, existential depression) so really it works in isolating me more. I use this writing as a stepping stone in trying to filter out this sludge that clogs up my mind. I want to keep it there, locked away for the people who think like me, and for myself when I need to keep myself in check. I need to keep the awareness that I have while having the ability to disconnect and engage in the things that so many people appreciate that are really just distractions, because these distractions are what keep a lot of us sane and keep fear at bay.


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