To my dear love

Reads: 169  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 10

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Wished you never had to go!

Submitted: December 26, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 26, 2011

A A A

A A A


I stirred a little. In my sleep, Oh, What a dream! Peeking at the hospital bed, I took one good look of him, so beautifully asleep. His face was timeless! Ageless! At 43, he looked even more charming and handsome. I stretched a little. The sofa-bed hadn’t been comfortable atall. My back was stiff. I bent a little to restore some flexibilty, as  the nurse walked in, without knocking on the door as always! After she injected some fluids into his IV, she left. I slowly made my way to him. Not wanting to wake him up, I sat at the corner of his bed. I took another moment to admire the way he looked. So beautiful, so serene. Somehow the pain left him as he began into the world of dreams. I silently thanked god for that.

It had been more than a week now, that he had been admitted. I thought of the dream again.  A tiny tear trickled down my cheek and I did not try to stop it. This was the third time in the past two months that he was hospitalised. I rested on the side of his bed. I usually wasn’t allowed to invade his space, but today I wanted to just slip beside him. Stay close to him. I thought of how it had begun. How beautiful it had been.

I was 17 when I first saw him play guitar on stage. His music was sensational. His voice enchanting. Among the cheering crowd, his music made me feel as if I were all alone there. as if he were singing only for me. Stupid, It sounds. but it was magical. I just knew then. It was him.I began voluntering the shows he took part in, just to look at him - just so he would look at me. To marvel over the fact that he was in the same room as I. Several times I brought the courage to say hie, but… I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Everything went as formally as it could around him until just before one of his performances, I came in to announce he was next. I saw him then, as he looked at me, I forgot what it was that I had come to say, staring into his deep eyes in wonder as he stared into mine. His music had hypnotised me. Arrested me.  More than the music coming from his guitar, It was the music in his eyes that caught me. The time had stopped then. For that moment we weren’t in the backstage of the auditorium.

He smiled, walking closer to me. So close that I couldn’t breathe. He raised his hand ever so slowly  and ran it across my face, closing my eyes. I opened them again. Surprised. That’s when he said softly, “Don’t look at me like that, I am afraid I will fall in love with you”.

 In love with youIn love with you

The words echoed in my mind. My first reaction was out of shock if I heard him correctly. He leaned over and kissed me on my cheek. He turned to leave and then as suddenly as he had begun, he stopped, and said “I think I already have.”

I snapped back into reality. Every day after that day had been beautiful. Had been perfect. Looking at him once again, my heart helplessly skipped a beat.  I reached for his free hand. His touch was relaxing. After 22 years of our marriage I feel proud of what we have shared, every moment, every challenge, we stood together, Fought them together, Shared happiness, shared the same love. It was magical.

He stirred, his heart beeping aloud on the machine. He partly opened his eyes, and stared at me, for a moment, a long moment. Slowly his hand moved to one of my cheeks as he shifted the nebulizer to say, “Happy anniversary, My love”. I shrieked at his words, “You remember?” “I always do..” he said, his voice was raspy. The softness was gone, but the kindness in them persisted. I bent over to kiss him lightly and then rested my head on his chest. He felt so fragile. I let the inevitable tears flow once again. He noticed it and wiped them with his thumb. Raising my face with his trembling fingers, he stared into my eyes, as if searching for something.

After making a mental observation he said, “Why the tear? You don’t look that old to me… Just about 50!” “Shut up” I said, laughing through my tears. He laughed too. I touched the side of his face softly. He was so beautiful. A nurse walked in again. I cursed silently at the lack of privacy. He clenched at my hand tightly as the nurse gave him the medicines, and I waited until he drifted back into sleep, before which he mumbled, “I don’t want to take… med... any long…” I held his hand for a moment, pressed it lightly and let go.

???

 Ordering a cup of tea at the cafeteria, I fiddled over a copy of Monday Magazine and read through a few headlines of the daily newspaper. I glanced at the person on the table across. His wife had just delivered a baby girl. Being around here all day, I sometimes walked by other patients room. I had seen the look on his face. He was both shocked and happy to see the baby. After a moment he bent and whispered something to his wife. I had stayed long enough to see that. I closed my eyes, drifting back into one of my own memories.

“What’s up?” he asked, tucking his tie into his coat. I did not reply, intently staring at the pasta. He walked to me, bent over and kissed me lightly. I caught the fragrance of his perfume . He scooped his fingers to pick at the pasta. Before I could even protest, he had eaten it. His face turned pale. As if he had just seen a corpse.  He choked..  “What… the hel..l is this?” “Its whole wheat pasta!” I said filling him a second glass of water. “You.. dieting again” he said as it got better. "No, its not for me” “Then is this horrible… thing for me?” “No..” I said. He eyed at me. I sighed, “I need to start eating healthy”. “You are healthy!” “Its not for me!” I said again. And placed his hand on my belly.

It took a moment to register. He looked at me. Walked closer, swinging me in the air. He let me down and held me tight for a long time. Just like that. Without speaking, Without looking. He then whispered to me. “You have made me the happiest man in the world!”

When I was 8 months pregnant, he stopped going to work. Not for a day or a week, but for months. When I would ask him why. he would simply say, “I can’t miss a moment.”I often teased him that he was the first guy on this planet who had taken a maternity leave.

 I smiled. It had been worth it. Every moment with him, had been. Until 2 years ago he started experiencing heartaches. Sometimes they got so bad that he froze with his hand on his chest. After regular checkup and tests, the docter said that he was diagnosed for cancer. That he had a little more than a year to live. I closed my eyes. That day had been haunting. I remember myself crying alone in the parking lot. Unable to accept or as close to believe this was happening. I could feel it even now. His health as predicted had deteriorated ever since, with frequent and more intense aches.

Once he had told me, just like when we were going to bed, he had said, the pain was so much that he wished he died before experiencing it again. I began crying, for him talking like that. To see him lose hope. He hugged me a little and said. “My love, I am so grateful to you for your support”. He let a tear of his own roll down his cheek. Holding me tighter, he said, “I love you very much, you know that?".

I couldn’t say anything then as i broke down. I wished I could have. I wished I would have. It was a haunting image which I suppose I will take with me to my grave. I finished my tea and began walking back to our room. Thinking of what he had said before drifting into sleep. Closing the distance to the room I saw a nurse walk pass me in hurry. I suppose another emergency. Until I noticed they were all rushing to his room. I panicked. Was it another attack? I brushed passed them and made my way into the room. He was lying there, his eyes partly open. I saw as they put him on ventilator. My heart felt weak at the sight of him. a sudden terror, something so raw, that I felt myself loosing to it. I sat beside him, as he tried opening his eyes wider. For a moment, he looked at me as if I were a stranger. I let hopeless tears fall. Another nurse checked for his heart rate. I saw her and then I saw him. holding his hand tighter. Begging him in my heart to not give up and for the first time I stopped. I stopped begging him. Releasing my grip on his hand, I indicated to him as he still stared at me.  I let go.

He smiled. Maybe he didn’t, maybe I just imagined it.

His hand shivered as he touched my face. Closing my eyes. Like he had before. In that long moment I was alone with him. Reliving our past.  Until I heard a nurse say, “He is losing pulse”and even before opening my eyes I knew.

 ???

 

Three hours later, I informed our son of the news. It had been one of the two difficult things I had to do today. Sitting alone in the corridor, I imagined of where life would take me now. What is the meaning of it without him? I wasn’t yet ready to go home. I wasn’t ready to inform anyone else about this. I realized suddenly how alone I was. More than that time in the parking lot. He was gone. I walked slowly to the room they had shifted him in. I stopped at the door and walked back. I wasn’t yet ready for this too. I wasn’t ready for anything. Oh, please come back. I thought desperately and cried. I sat in the corridor once again. Lost in thoughts.

“Ma’am… ma’am” someone called. It took a moment to realize I was being called. I looked up. A young nurse stood across me. Her eyes sympathetic. “We found this in the drawer.” She said, handing a piece of paper to me.

 I stared at it bluntly until I read the first line.

 

To my dear love,

 My heart beated irregularly. I folded the piece of paper for a minute, summoning the courage to read ahead. I unfolded the letter again.

 

“To my dear love,

How many times have I said, I love you. How many times have I said that life without you would have been impossible. Now, at this moment, I wonder if I have said it enough. You came and my life changed. You came and I found a reason to live. I can’t imagine anyone else could have given me what you have.

At night, when you weep beside me in your sleep, I pray to God. I know, you will be surprised! But I pray that you would not go through that. I love you, my dear, On those nights I realized the true sense of these words. Tomorrow is our anniversary and since I won't be able to bring you a gift, I have written this letter. You have been my angel from heavens. You have gifted me with a beautiful son. You have given me the most beautiful 23 years and I helplessly hope for more.

I may go away in some time, trust me I do not wish to leave you like this. but I know you will understand. You always have. You have a very pure heart, I see it in your eyes. Those beautiful eyes, I had head over heals fallen in love with. Those beautiful eyes which could recognize a handsome man right away. Please do not wonder who, I am talking about me…:)

Oh my love, my love…I am in lack of words now and I know you will understand that too.

Urs and urs only…“

I folded the letter and cried.

 ???


© Copyright 2017 Madhuri. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

More Literary Fiction Short Stories

Booksie 2017-2018 Short Story Contest

Booksie Popular Content

Other Content by Madhuri

To my dear love

Short Story / Literary Fiction

So easily...

Poem / Poetry

Classroom

Short Story / Young Adult

Popular Tags