I have a hollow heart. It is full of love for you, but it is hollow for the love is not necessary. Where love meets silence there is always a noise, but our love met silence and stayed quiet until you brought my depression and caused me to scream. You broke our special silence, our moment in a box. You made me burst and without a reason to tell since it was silent. You confused my surroundings and eventually started confusing yourself. You took my neck and held it. Tightening your grip with your intimate hands, cutting my throat with your sensual knife. Watching me bleed with your blood-stopping eyes. How could you love with eyes that could watch a waterfall. How can you stand next to me and let your arms not hold me. How do you survive just standing there while, talking to my face and not my heart and ask me to listen?
Well I cannot hear you
I asked for your heart not your words. You wanted me to feel not to listen. I needed you to touch without feeling just skin. I needed you to look without seeing just face. I didn’t want to run into your arms and feel just warmth. All I had was love and that’s what I wanted us both to feel but you are talking with your mouth, so I cannot hear you.
You came with nothing but eyes and lifted me up into what I thought was a story. An unclear story full of spirals and mazes that no-one could feel and eventually had an end to a perfect image. A perfect beauty of you and me, remember? We made a song about forbidden fruits and secret yards. We sung it together. I loved you in my dreams and you loved me in your me. The thing inside our wordless conversation was stronger than their reality and it powered my mind. All the times when I heard my names from your eyes and I heard eternal promises inside your lies. All the time you changed a tone whenever I walked by or all the times you would kill anyone that craved my cries.
You cared, tell me you remember! Together we always wanted but now that I show you do not think. Now that I want you do not ask. Now that I'm strong you do not fix. When did my recovery ever drown our love. Why do my dry eyes repel. Why don’t my closed veins excite you. I live for your excitement in me, I hide for your impression of me. If your life is a clogged ear to my screams then kick me away, rather than wasting your time. It is now my premonition that our love cannot be a definition. I cannot love your mind with thoughts distantly away, while fading in my mind because of no attention from yours and while our love is only in my head and an exasperating worm in yours! Why do you force me to scream with another thoughtless mole growing your absolute excited joyful worm that only grows for his love and joy, when my every breath, every cut, every tear and every thought makes it grow for HIM!? Why should I have to build up my confidence and withdraw my love just to watch your infatuated self take a glimpse of my pillaged eyes watching your conspicuous geniality while you tender and admire my nothing ears listening to the heartless WORDS!? Well I cannot hear you!
I cannot hear you!!
You think Im in a group? Talking to millions of faces and not mine alone. Look into my soul. Talk into my face. Thousand of faces but who’s. Whose love? I did not let you hold me for him. I did not cry you for him. I don’t know, I do not know why but I loved and still love you because of him. Go alone without him. It makes me strong to see your empty eyes. It never really lifted any height seeing your joy alone. It was amazing seeing your joy in me. Maybe I did not love you but maybe I loved you loving me. But it was only your love that filtered my depression and left crystals of unsure happiness. It was only your love that fixed the leak around my heart and patched the pouring holes that made it hollow. It was your love that made the most nucleated air seem like a dream to inhale. It was your love that directed me back but now i'm gone again, and cannot live being gone. Let me live…Love me again.
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Essay / Poetry
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