Greyscale

Reads: 306  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 1

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I'm pretty sure this "book" will be like nothing you have ever read before. My plan was to get it published, but I never finished. It's a modern kind of story, not traditional at all. There's a lot of thoughts, psychology and thinking in general. It's about this young girl, her depression, the destiny of her people and her crazy mind.Some of it is based on my own feelings in a more dramatic level, while some is complete fiction. I suppose most of you will find it weird, and hard to understand, even though I believe some of you will find it interesting. I would really appreciate if you read it and gave me some response.

Submitted: April 04, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 04, 2011

A A A

A A A


Greyscale ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My world was based on grayscales. No one ever really seemed to Notice, even though we lived in the same world. The world based on fake, and hate. Mentally, I was different. I didn’t really have any need to let people know, because it wasn’t like it would change everything. And sometimes, it’s some secrets you need to keep to yourself. At some point in your life, everyone is going to betray you in some way. I mean, even though I said I trusted you, it would never be completely. At the same time, it wouldn’t be a lie. Because. If I told you, I would trust you more than most people in my life. Everybody got their needs, but at times I wonder if everyone got dreams and hope. Some people seem so broke down by life, that they have lost their hope.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I normally never felt like this is where I belong. But at some few times, it was like a shooting star, or maybe even more like a firework in my grayscale. It was love. Every moment I felt it, the doubt was gone. There’s really so much more in people than what you see. If you saw me on the bus on my way to school, I’m pretty sure you never would have guessed that this is what I’m like.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I could feel the cold wind blowing my hair, into my face. I looked around me and created a picture of the place. It was cold, with some snow lying on the ground. I sat on a worn old bench made out of wood. The people walking by me, they were partly a result of my way to look upon the human kind. I saw this one guy running by me. And I was thinking like, that man actually got a life. And all these thoughts started to get to my head. Why, what was the reason for him running. He must of had a life as well; this made me surer we were of the same kind of creatures.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The sky was grey, and it was quiet outside. I could hear some cars and trucks drive by, but not one single voice. People seemed tired, and had a serious look on their faces. Normally I would have come up with all these questions. But this time, they weren’t there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ People seemed to pretend nothing ever happened around here. Well, I knew the story. So did they, but they were too afraid to show it. The people, who came to my town, thought it was kind of creepy, the way it was all quiet and cold. The people in my town didn’t seem to have souls. I knew they did, and if they started to express themselves, I don’t think anything good would have come out of it. These people were officially, in my mind, broke down by life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It all started like 2 years ago, the year I dropped out of school. Yet I decided to go back there, and here is the reason. Our town used to be a happy town, and a town full of life and joy. The buildings used to be bright and filled with color and life. In some way people seemed to like it that way. No one could ever break us until that day 2 years ago. The way everything happened, was like a revolution. Unexpected and fast. This day was a radical change in my life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I remember waking up just seconds after hearing, nothing. This way of living was unknown to all of us. Outside no one was having a smile on their face, no one even seemed to care about the others, and it was like they lived their lives inside of some small bubbles. Reminds me of how politicians look upon my town at times, they only see what they want to see, and don’t care about our needs. I was used to this, but not for my people to go blind. I wonder what it was like, what they felt and if their soul still was there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I had heard of this 12 year old girl who apparently lived in my neighborhood. People said she was wearing a disguise. Everyone only thought it was rumors though. For some reason I still think people don’t just decide to pick out some random victim and make her a soul keeper. They said she hid them, in a jewelry box in her room. If this was what actually happened, the souls would be locked up there, beside crayons and dolls.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I don’t think it would be a worthy death. Memories fade by time, and so did this day to me. I believed she did it. I don’t care if I didn’t see her pulling those souls out of their chest. I know she was the one. I barely talk with the people from my town. Not that I have told a lot of people about this, because I haven’t. They would just say I’m crazy for thinking like this. They weren’t there, and they don’t even remember my town the way I do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The humans from the other towns had just let go of the searching. And I don’t think mine would be capable to. Their condition was no good now. Soulless creatures, without hope or dreams. Their future was destroyed by this kid. Never ever underestimate the mind of the human kind, no matter what age. I can tell you for sure, you will regret it if you do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I don’t know so much more to be honest. Only that our town needs to have our realness back. Everything around me gets so surreal when I live here. That’s the reason I went back to school. I basically needed a break from this place of death. I was like a normal kid at school, I wasn’t like supernatural, psychic or something. I was just like most of them, a normal person in peoples’ eyes. What you couldn’t see, no matter how hard you try is what my mind is like.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ You can’t really see what students and teachers are like just by looking at them. Even though you could see what they acted like. That was around school. I mean, most times people aren’t allowed to be who they are when they are at school. Because school wasn’t really much a part of my interests.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ So the way I acted there, was the way I would act at school. It doesn’t mean I had to act like that all the time, just because I did it one place. I kind of felt responsible for my town, and I couldn’t leave them like this. If I really put my mind to it, I think I would be able to do something about it. Actions speak louder than words, and I was about to break down to. I could keep on telling you how badly I want a change in my town, but those words wouldn’t change a thing. Actually reminds me of prime ministers who had their speech with a bunch of stuff they promised. Like I told you, actions speak louder. And these promises they made was fake, because nothing ever happened.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I’m not going to end up all fake. I have my principles, and I shall not tell you I will figure this out. Because you never know what might happen. Oh well, at least I had my friends left. I looked back at the landscape, and got my mind back to the place it should be. It started to snow again. Small snowflakes falling down from the sky. Blown away by the wind, into other dimensions.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Finally, my bus was here. I didn’t go. I just sat there all peacefully by myself. Those I was surrounded by was now on their way to another place. I had no idea why I didn’t. It was just like a hand pulling me back, and I just didn’t move. This was one of those moments I just had to do something to make myself feel alive. I didn’t know if this would work, but I think it kind of worked out well. School made me tired and was like trying to kill me in some way. The way it just grabbed away all my energy, sucked out my powers and used it for a bad cause. It was like this circle that never ended, I was trapped. The only way to break out is to do something different, and make yourself realize you got a life as well.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I could feel the wind in my face as the bus drove by. The sky was grey, and no one but me was around. The paint on the huge mall made of cement had faded, and what was left was this really ugly looking yellow color that disgusted me. To personalize it would be a mistake. Because it was just buildings, but I have to say I missed it. The way the building was Alive somehow, and the way it used to mean so much to me, was breathtaking. I used to love that mall, and I hate the fact that it’s dead and faded now. The enemy had no idea what she had done to people. She took away those little sparks in peoples’ lives, and they got nothing at all in return.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I got off the bench, and started to move towards the mall. The street was cold and left. I kept walking slowly with my arms around me to keep the hint of warmth I had left. There actually were some trees by that street. They looked black with the grey light shining through them. The abandoned trees.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I looked down for a moment. The ground I stepped on was made out of stone blocks. They were really nice actually. Those stones were bought during the time we were wealthy. Those stones were a part of our past, and they were there as well when little miss sunshine ruined our town. I couldn’t feel my legs, so tried to walk faster. The windows on the mall were nailed with wood and some were broken to pieces. Some of it was covered in blood; while some of it had been tagged by haters from…I don’t know where. It was freezing outside. I had made up my mind; I had to get in there. I felt a wind of ice in my neck, I was cold. I was now standing outside the brown rusty door, and it had two planks nailed across it. Ask me why, and I will not tell you. Because I don’t trust you enough.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I looked around me on the ground to find some sharp object I could break up the door with. I used my hands to pull my dark purple hair away from my face, so I could see clearer. My hair used to be blonde, but I don’t want to be recognized around here. There was just a bunch of trash, paper, leaves and a dead bird slung outside. I passed the right corner of the mall. When I was younger, I used to be at this place. I used to sneak out at night just to be there and get away from everything else. My life was complicated, and it still is.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was nothing but trash around the corner as well as in the front. I kept walking as I got colder for every second. I was lazy, so I looked for the closest shop window. I turned my head slowly to the left, and spotted a window without any planks or broken glass. Yet I decided I would go through that window, no matter what people said. No one said anything, because no one was around. I raised my right leg, and kicked in the window. It only made a scratch. I kicked it even harder this time. And the sound of all those pieces of glass falling to the ground felt relieving in some way.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Everywhere I looked, there was trash. The trash had once been something nice and good to people. I mean the blood had even once been parts of making someone live. But when it broke or got spilled on, people found it hard to see what it started out as being. Like people, who change. Those who surround them forget to think of how they got to that point of their life. And at some point they may have been good, sincere, honest people.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I put my right foot on the window sill, Bend down under the top to not hurt my head and put the other leg inside. The grey retail floor was covered in dust, yet there was not even a scratch. It didn’t seem like anyone but me had been there since the accident.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I kept walking into the room. There was a patterned red and yellow armchair in the left corner. The same ugly yellow as the cladding on the building. I sat down, put my legs up from the cold floor into my body, and folded my hands over them. I was sitting in a fetal position. It was much warmer in here. I had made it, to escape the cold wind and to get inside. It was still cold, but the chair and the walls kept me warm.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I sat there, just thinking. What would my life turn out like. I had the need to let go of my past, just wasn’t that easy. I wanted to leave it so bad, the problem was. I cared too much. I couldn’t stop caring about the people I once loved. Let them fade away like the rest of the dead. I didn’t even know if my people were dead, well I guess they were according to the blood and the screams.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I remembered the crops. I think I did. There was no longer any of my thoughts I could be able to know if really did happen, or if it was just my mind going crazy again. Lately, my mind has been doing that. Mix up reality and my world. In my world, my mind rules for sure. I didn’t like my thoughts taking the attention from everything else and gaining so much power. It stole my time, and if I got too deep into them. They would basically kill me psychologically. I would be dead like the rest of them, just inside.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I wanted to see the rest of the mall, if there was any left. So I put my feet back on the ground, and started to walk slowly across the floor. My goal was the door leading to the hallway. I had prepared myself for it to be locked, and to figure out a plan to break it up. Surprisingly it was wasted, because the door was open. I took a light step over the threshold and looked outside the door to see if anyone was there. I didn’t see anyone. And it felt like one of those moments when time stops and you are the only one left in the entire world. My footsteps made echo as I still walked slowly, and analyzed the place. The way it was left didn’t look like it had been a riot there. It was all clean, tidy and most of all cold. The goods were still in the shelves and the 50% off posters still hung in the windows.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ As I passed two shop windows I started to realize I had broke into a real mall. This wasn’t my imagination. What if someone still took care of this mall, and that’s why it looked so clean. Maybe someone had been there after the riot, before me. The sound of sirens appeared from a distance. The howling noise came closer, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go to jail. Not yet. I panicked. My heart stopped beating for a moment, then, it went extremely fast. I ran as fast as I could back into the room I came from. I was hitting on the window.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I got interrupted by a car pulling up on the parking lot right outside. I could hear them mumbling about something. The footsteps moved closer. I stepped fast to the right side of my window, and kept my back close into the wall. My breath was slow, and the heartbeats quick. I could feel them walk by. I looked up. Just to search for some last hope before I took the next look out of the window. I saw the shadows of them crossing the corners. I never knew what they looked like. For all I know, they might have been ghosts from the past accident, or just locals pulling a prank. I jumped out high, and landed with my feet on the ground.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was relieved, for a moment. What if they were the soul keepers’ helpers or some crazy mentally disturbed people? I couldn’t make myself not to, so I guess there’s no surprise when I say I chose to follow them. I ran fast, with no sound. And suddenly I was on the corner, watching over the place. I wasn’t able to see them, it was still dark. I don’t think I would be able to see them even if there was light. I chose to think they were an illusion of my mind. Sometimes I felt like I lived a dream. Nothing seemed real, true or sensible. I didn’t know where to go now. I could feel the air again, breathing on me. Like I was the light to be blown out and die. Like my soul was the light and the wind was the air putting me out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once again, I’m going to tell you, it is so much more in people than what you see. Have you ever felt like, there are some people in your life. You might not know them as to be titled as your friends. Someone you don’t need to talk to or wave at to get contact. But it’s in a way, you use your eyes. But it’s not like flirting; it’s more like souls connecting, somehow. Some people you just know you know and they know you even though you have never talked. I don’t know if it’s a thing about care or love or whatever for that person. Just that it’s a soul relation like the usual. My eyes changed color depending on who I was with, and what I was doing. People didn’t seem to know or care. I don’t know what my eyes changing now and then means, just that I don’t see people like me often.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There had been a long time since I ever saw a firework or a sparkle. Under the sealing there were some things no one saw. The way the world affected us. The way we had started to let go of our own, and join the big community. We used to destroy our heritage and what meant everything to us. We were blinded by what others have, and what others had archived. We were obsessed with getting it perfect, not for ourselves, but everyone else. The human kind was blinded by huge curtains hanging down in front of their souls’ windows. They started to believe everything that was said, and not felt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ They started to believe that science was all we had, and that people are worthless creatures without a purpose. The world seemed to just keep going by itself, but who did really keep it all together. To be honest, what I think is that what people got left after a tragedy are their souls. It’s their hope, passion and real love. That’s what they got left, and I’m sure there has got to be something more in this world than just science. The way we talk, dress, look like and act has started to become our way of living. We were lost in the fake. And most of what we got was fake. As long as you had the money you could get it the way you wanted it, but what if it was fake. You can have fake beauty, makes people feel like shit. I mean, little girls look up on celebrities as their idols and wish to be like them some day. It is going to break their heart when they figure out they are fake. That all the beauty they have ever believed in was fake. Same thing with music. Some rich girl got money, and guess what she is going to do with them. Yeah, she wants to make a single. So she does, with making her voice fake. With putting what we think in our mind is a good singer and just isn’t. Fake like the newspaper we read that is filled with stuff that has been changed during the editing. When we break down kids and adults because of what’s fake makes me realize this. Is it worth it? I mean, there’s no chance that we can make a real world work. But if some people decided to be real, the world might just get a little better for some people. Give them some of that light we need in our grayscale.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I see so many hurting people in pain. Often that pain is caused by the no light. At times people even kill because a lack of that little spark. At those times when you really think about it, all you can do is cry, Even though nothing usually gets to you, you may cry. Why does it really matter, all these things that we got. I believe you can own like the whole world without being satisfied. Because there is something called soul, and at some point it is time to realize it. If you keep going with the flow, where will you end up? You just got to do what makes you happy, and keep you feeling alive. I am not trying to tell you that the way I live is any better, but at least I try to make an effort. It can be so hard at times, to think about yourself before others. Because you have forgotten how to take care of yourself. I once was a mess, and still am. Even though people might not understand, I need to put myself together and just not lose who I am, cause it’s so easy to lose what you got living in this world of fake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I could feel it itching in my left leg, so I bend down to scratch it. Suddenly, I heard a sound. I was back to reality. I feel like I can get there, deeper than what is above. I believed knowledge was for all of us, just in different shapes. Mine was souls. And right now, I needed to get my people back to the place they belonged. There was this endless struggle inside of me. Like, am I mentally crazy or is this something everyone has. I thought it was like knowledge. Most of us could be one of those smart geeks if we put our mind to it. The way you made it get to you faster. School was never one of the ground tree trunks in my life. I liked the way I learned about people though, just not all the stuff that was useless in my mind. And even if I failed school, I would still be out there, living. And when I had no job, I would use my savings to buy some paper and a pen to start writing. I would end up like one of those crazy people living in the forest isolated from people. At the time my story was found, I bet it would sell. Oh well, my life is not like that right now. If homework, science and math is what truly keeps you happy. Then do it, because you won’t regret it since you do it with realness and love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I forgot my phone at home. Someone from school had probably called and wondered where I was, probably not. They were used to me just not being there out of the blue. My brother was one of those getting murdered. Everyone thought it was hard on me, and it was. What was even harder was that no one bothered to look for him. No one but me. My parents were killed as well I think. I couldn’t remember considering my condition. No one knew. I never had people home at my place, was just too much drama and too many questions. Everyone thought I still lived with my parents, even my friends. I wasn’t home much because of the memories; I still liked the place because it reminded me of my childhood and the family I used to have. As usually I had forgot the little money I had left in my pocket, so I decided to go home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It was even darker outside. I didn’t know for how many minutes or hours I had been standing or was I sitting, out in the cold. The fresh winter air didn’t make my mind any clearer, only more blurry. Because unlike summer I had lots of time to think and spend. I started to walk, I was freezing and I felt like I was going to faint. I didn’t. The trees were standing out from the rest of the location, abandon. The road was filled with light snow and ruts. There were only a few stars out there at this time. I looked up, and thought about life once again. A few cars passed me on my way back home. The people driving weren’t any of my people. My journey had taken me to my woods. I felt like it always was dark in there, no matter what time of the year. It was the legacy my great grandfather had given me. There was still some of his stuff left in the house. I often wondered why. When a relative passes away it’s usual to only keep the most valuable things, at least when it happened for about a 100 years ago. I kept thinking why.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The woods were dark as always. Those few stars you could see from the outside, was lost in here. Whatever way I went there was no way out of it but to go to my house or return from where I came from. Silent souls were all around me, despite what people told me I had felt a change in our community. There were times I could feel them and see what they did to the trees and the area. The woods were their graveyard. The place they went when some mentally sick chick had slay them. Again I needed to realize I was their hope, if they had any. I didn’t feel threatened by them, like they were bad or wanted to hurt me. I looked upon them as the souls of human kind, my people. Little piles of snow was laying on the ground, next to the trees and mountains. The ground had frozen leaves from 2 autumns ago. It felt peaceful in a strange way. There might have been some life there other than the souls, but I hadn’t seen anything but a deer running through it. Running for its’ life and a need to get out. Force had a stronger meaning for this forest. It felt like it sucked out all of your powers. It might have seemed like a nice place to be at first. It could make you feel good and help you but. Eventually it was going to betray you, no matter what. It will push you deeper into the scale of grey. The longer you believes in it, it drag you down into the deep dark. When you realize it was all a game, you will get hurt. Even if you are one of those strong people, you will get hurt, but you will also have the chance to manage to get back up there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I had a flashback. School, the geography class. The sound of the alive people walking into the room of horror with all their chatty voices. Their thought of the perfect world without worries. They all seemed like there wasn’t one thing in their life that was more important. Like all that mattered about their life were those days. Those days they learned something, maybe because they didn’t have anything else to care about, or they simply just didn’t know of any better. Obviously I used to be one of those too, and I actually think the reason for most of us is that we want to make the best out of it and try to stay positive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My mind used to switch like this a lot. Suddenly my thoughts were in a place they never should be. I couldn’t focus on what I wanted to, because it was a mess. Every time I made it tidy, it never lasted for long. All the information in me had overfilled my mind. There was too much and it all lay on the floor like a big pile of clothes. When I put them on their place, they would soon be out of there in no time. I used all this time to clean it up, but it never made any change. I guess my mind would be even more of a mess if I didn’t though. Common sense was known to me, not that I used it in my daily life. I had the wrong priorities to make school work out great. Of course I could if I wanted to, because I was able to. At the same time I wasn’t able to, because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to use my time on something I thought was wasted. I knew I needed an education to survive; I just had no interest in it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Leafless trees were like columns surrounding me. I kept walking as I saw some light from my house in the end of the woods. Maybe it signalized a better future, or maybe it just showed me some light because it knew it was going to bring me down to a even deeper place later. I detest me thinking like this, all caught up. Whenever none of my parents was around, I would use my time to solve the mystery of the house. Sounding like mystery made me want to do it. I did, without anyone knowing. I always keep some secrets, that’s just stuff my friends need to live with. Like I told you before, I don’t tell them there’s more.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At times my life felt like walking on broken glass. It felt like my life was torn apart. Every day I had to live with the pieces of glass on my floor. For each step I gained more pain. For each step the pain was harder to let go. My life was simply overfilled with everything. When I met new people we always had something in common. Also, my friends were all different. That way I got affected by everything. I learned a lot about life and people, at the same time it also made me confused. Confused, it’s like too much to handle at once. At this very moment life seemed surreal. This time surreal had no feeling. I felt like normal, and it had started to become one of those things you can’t make yourself feel anything about. It’s the same with those people who no longer are with us. Who have passed away, left you behind, found a new lover, don’t want to see you anymore. No matter how bad we don’t want to, we do. We care. Some of my close family members had passed away when I was a little kid, and I still cared and missed them. They will always remain in my heart, even though it brings me pain to know they are not there with me anymore. What kind of 17 year old goes to the churchyard all by herself because she misses someone she lost 12 years ago? I do. I don’t know if people do really, but I hardly see young people care anymore. They might try to forget, and let go of the pain. Sometimes I couldn’t help the crying. There was this tree beside my grandfather’s grave, grass, a stone fence and other graves of course. A few times I took flowers with me and talked with my ancestors. Normal or what?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I kept walking and got closer to my house. The lights were close to blind me. I liked living in the dark better, like the dark was where I belonged. At night, I had the ability to think clearer, enjoy life, I had less worries and I could live the way I wanted to. For some reason I liked the vibe better at night. I looked up on the sky. No matter how many times I did, the stars always maintained the same, even when my mentality changed down here on the ground. Again, I looked at the trees. They fascinated me. How some little seed can become something that large. I think that’s the thing about us humans, we don’t know how big we can do it. How much it’s possible for us to develop and how much potential we got. My steps went slower as I continued looking at the dark sky. The fresh air made me happy, but not completely. No matter how many miles you walk, there’s always something you are going to discover. Our world is filled with more than we think.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was now on my property. The trees and my past were fading away for each step. I walked up the old stairs made of stone. The fence was all rusty, and once used to be black. I looked in my right pocket to find the keys. I took a look behind me, yes it was getting blurry. I looked back at the door, took my key and opened the worn wooden door. Inside the floors were covered in all kinds of stuff. My house was a mess. I took my gray jacket and boots off, and walked into my place. My room was the worst, because when I was home what I did was eat, researching and at times I slept. There was plates, glass, bowls and old food. I always had so little time in the morning because I overslept, so that’s the reason for all my clothes. My desk was covered in papers, drawings plus all the devices for my laptop. I started looking in my papers. There it was, underneath a pile of papers, there was the Soulkeepers’ file. I didn’t have enough on her; I needed more proof for someone who could take the case further. I sat down in my worn armchair and looked through it, thinking.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Research was a waste of time, but I liked wasting my time on something if it made me happy. I couldn’t fulfill her file. My mission had failed in some way. Underneath all that work, it was disappointment. I had let no one but myself down. Even though I failed, it didn’t felt wrong. My face was pale and my eyes were blank and filled with tiredness. I wouldn’t quit. I was the one who was supposed to upgrade her file. I took a look out of my window. It made no sense. My hands were cold, so I put them up to my face.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My house was all quiet. I heard something. Sound coming from the basement. Light footsteps had invaded my home. A thousand thoughts went through my head. What was I supposed to do? All these possibilities started to get to my head. If it was a friend, the person wouldn’t come from the basement. There were ashes down there. What if a family member of mine was on its way up here? I took a view over my room, for something heavy and sharp. I immediately saw a crowbar. One of those I had found at the time little miss sunshine ruined our town. I picked it up. I was close to burst out in tension. The sound was moving closer. I could hear the laughter of a little kid. Finally, someone seemed to be alive. I was no longer the only one left behind. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sometimes I wonder if all these thoughts I got in my mind is ever going away. The love I have for people, I don’t want to care about anymore. The pain it brings when people leave when you most need them. The way people never seem to understand how much they hurt you, and how much pain they bring into your life without knowing. All these things are in my head right now, and I can’t get them out of there. They are stuck, mostly because these thoughts involve my heart. It’s not like a decision you make, you can’t always start and stop loving people. I know how many times I deny it in front of myself and others, the love won’t go away. It just hurts my soul to see my lost. I blame it on myself. I was the only one who could have changed any of it. When you are too afraid to break down the walls of not being able to trust people completely, you end up losing what you got for a while. A friend once told me, what you give is what you get. So maybe after all, it actually is my entire fault for not putting an effort into it. It’s like a horse race, when you don’t bet, you don’t get any. And the reason you don’t, is because you are afraid of losing what you got.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Life might seem so easy and light at times, but when you start thinking constantly it changes. I know what I want, and I do it. If I’m not a 100% sure, in my life, most likely it means nothing is ever going to happen. No matter how many things or money you got, you will never be happy if your soul is in pain. We can suffer without knowing why. Even if you got everything you always wanted, you might be hurting. I know there are some people out there who love me, and never are going to leave me. They are a part of my safety of life. They are what it takes to keep that little spark alive. Wherever we go there’s always going to be people hating on us. Don’t let people tell you what makes you happy, because in most cases they have no clue. I think it depends from each single person in this world. That’s why I’m having a hard time figuring out what I’m going to do with my life, what and who do I love the most? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sarcasm was a familiar word for me. The shadow of Akras moved closer. I could see the way he slides across the room like nothing was strange. There was a known glow in Akras’ eyes. When he once was alive he used to be surrounded by his friends. He smiled at me. I could see the disappointment in his eyes no matter how hard he tried to seem happy. My life had never been a fairytale. He moved closer. He couldn’t be buried, he needed me. I had watched him suffer and crawling in pain before the moment he died. I had been lying beside him holding his hand even after he passed away. The most pain is gained when someone you love passes away. I had used so much of my time crying over him. He was back, right here with me. After all the pills the woman next door had given me, I had no idea if I was hallucinating. I could feel his hands slowly gliding down the left side of my face. After having my eyes closed, I looked up at him with eyes filled with a mix of fear and hope. He did exist. I smiled a little inside. I closed my eyes again, and when I opened them, he was gone. Underneath the ground with the rest of the people of my town.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I fell to the ground. I looked up at the ceiling, hopeless. Without dreams and hope. I was broke down by life. So many days of my life had gone by, and they had turned into no good. I didn’t want to turn the lights on in this house anymore. What was supposed to be good was no longer what I wanted it to be. I felt dead. I felt like I was trapped in this jail without no way of getting back. I basically fell down on my bed. I pulled my hands through my hair of frustration, desperation and lack of ideas. All I wanted was to fall asleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sometimes, things turn out to be what you never expected them to be like. Sometimes you realize it’s all on you, you bring yourself down. You might have been thinking others were the problems, sometimes it’s just you and no one else. When you have been thinking others did it to you, it’s just what you do. The way you look upon life and how much you trust people.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I could feel so lonely at times. Even when I was surrounded by people. I think what I missed was having someone here who cared and loved me. Happiness doesn’t come that easily. I know. What you learn by living life single is that you can find that happiness without any ones help in that case. The way you can prioritize you and do whatever you want to. Satisfy your needs and make your life better. When it all comes to an end, and all the thoughts of depression is pushed way out of your league you realize you need someone. What is life if you don’t know anyone? Feeling like a ghost, just watching everything. Observing, kind of like I’m doing at this very moment. That guy who was brave enough to open my door, that’s someone I would keep. Well maybe not. Hmm, there has got to be some way of making a win win situation possible. When you are by yourself you also realize there’s more to life than just fakeness. There’s this always struggling in me at times to make life better for myself and others. Thinking doesn’t help that much, not like actions does. We get so trapped inside of our own needs. We all have our different qualities and moods when it comes to living. What you say or do today might be that little thing making their world way better. The depression of people is hard to understand, no its not. Maybe loneliness actually is one of those things bringing depression to life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Decisions are often made in pain of wondering. In pain of filling yourself up with useless thoughts and lose everything. Yeah. Life is simple, but people are complicated, somehow. The snow is also bringing people closer to what they want in life. They get some time to think, maybe too much time though. If you imagine all those people going to town or some café. Do you know why they do it? Because they don’t want to be alone. Like all people they have that need of being around others. Some people can do fine living on their own, but if they look closer in themselves they will find themselves surrounded with loneliness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ People get so happy when they are together. When they get the opportunity to meet new people. Spread joy or sadness. Just to be able to affect peoples’ lives. Boats. Sailboats. One captain, that’s it. Sailing around on the sea. Never meeting people or land. What do you think he would do? The fact that he’s away from people for such a long time makes it easy for us to think that he might go insane and kill himself. Do you know why? Because of his loneliness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Some thoughts never seem to end. Like those thoughts who stops you from falling asleep at night because of the emptiness you feel. That hopeless situation when you don’t know what you want to do with your life. When you feel like it’s all wasted, I knew it would get better. Well, that’s what I had heard. I never really knew if that was supposed to happen with me. In my mind, finding the value of my life was difficult and unbearable. I just lay there, staring in the ceiling. Outside the world was moving on, unlike mine. What if they weren’t coming back, I don’t know if I could manage to start over without any of them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a decision to be made and this was not the time for my endless line of possibilities. What did I really want? My mind was like a battlefield. For every thought I had managed to kill there just kept on coming more. I could hear the cold wind blowing outside my window. I was cold. I was cold and without a doubt lonely. I had pushed the feelings away all this time. There was this instant sadness in me when I felt it all at once. The pain was unbearable and I kept turning my head to clear my thoughts. They were like knives. Stuck inside my head. Each knife holding a load of pain. It all seemed anesthetic me, and I fell asleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I didn’t dream anything. I never dreamt like I dreamt when I was a kid anymore. I think I had a too difficult time letting go for starting my creativity and make my own world. All these worries were like a shield blocking out my own ideas. Akras had told me to have no worries, because he would love me forever. Well, did he love me after all? And was it even possible for a dead man to love? I wasn’t sure if he was alive or not, I had seen his shade though. The way our minds connected sometimes gave me prove he still was around, unless that was all in my mind too. The sound of the rain pounding on my windows actually made me calm. Yes, I was awake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I turned around and opened my eyes slowly. What I spotted was dust and a mess. The dark almost black color on the walls made me feel even more out of the want of living. I hadn’t cleaned the windows for months, and they were just enough covered up to still see some of what was outside.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My mind went back to school. I remember sitting in class and my teacher was in such a bad mood. She made it seem like we were the ones doing all the bad stuff in this world. There was some noise coming from the hall outside of the room. This was her last straw. She marched out and yelled at them. She must have had a reason for this temper. I felt like she was one of those people who could burst out in crying. She was Broke down.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It was like school and education were the only things that mattered in this world. It was like she couldn’t see that there’s so much more in life. She got mad about the smallest things, even if it was just a couple of people laughing from the back of the room. She needed it to be quiet. That psychotic woman of a teacher. Wonder what she had been through. She also threatened us like we didn’t know what she knew. Maybe she did it cause of pride, or maybe there actually was something we didn’t know.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sometimes we realize, the people we thought loved us, didn’t. The ones you trusted the most never was that faithful in the first place. The ones you thought helped you really only just destroyed you. When reality is like a punch in the face, you understand that at some point, something went completely wrong. When your dreams become destroyed by the pain of people suffering you know there’s someone out there to get you. I tried to smile, but the happiness I felt didn’t last for long. The minute I felt happiness I enjoyed it. I let it win the war, and get placed as my mood. Inside there was mixed emotions. More like emotions I didn’t show. Those people who are in pain for real thinks it’s too much of a risk for anyone to know. Those emo and goth kids you see on the street is mostly not prisoners of the hidden pain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ We all suffer, so humanity actually has something in common. The people who looked the most simple could have the craziest fights inside of them. You might know some of those people who seem to be constantly smiling and in overdosed with joy. Often they got their reasons, and in a lot of cases the reason is how badly they want to forget and let go of the pain. At times we hide them for no one to see. We can also develop the habit to not feel. This can not only hurt yourself but others around you. We need to remember that not everyone are like us, and someone actually still have their feelings kept close to their heart. When we become incapable of feeling and start to feel again we can manage to feel like we have missed out on a lifetime. The fake love officially still sucks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At times we are out of thoughts. Like when someone asks you of whatever it might be, you can appear like a blank piece of paper. Like your mind has vanished and left its home. Those thoughts are being replaced with emptiness. We might think we’re not good enough. In fact, we are all human. So why would anyone be more worth than others? Why are there some people we feel the need of being better to deserve certain others. A life changing decision can be made in less than a second. A spontaneous choice of want, need or despite might rule your way of living for the next couple of years. Love you thought was real can be broken in without a second, when someone else shows up. We are like branches, someone grows their own paths, and some get twisted into each other, and grow like a pair. When something happens to one of the branches, and it turns into a different way. That factor ruining or making life better. The other branch will have problems keep growing on the same path without its friend, and what happens is, that branch changes its way as well. This makes their past unclear and hard to remember. Hard to appreciate what happened after they both went their ways. A relation to someone can be like a piece of ice. The ice stays. One day rain comes, and slowly the strong relation gets smaller. Even though it used to be so much more, that ice starts to melt. Because something made it melt. Without any contact from the outside they would have been fine, but with this rain constantly coming over the ice cube, we all know it’s going to melt and turn into something new, something unrecognizable and changed. Something that will keep people forget about the ice that once used to be so strong.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I didn’t go out of bed. I just lied there. I closed my eyes, hoping for my thoughts to change, hoping for a better future for my town. I had a headache, caused by my mind. Slowly I moved my feet closer to the end of my bed. I sat up and put my two feet down on the old cold wooden floor. The coldness from the basement even affected my floor. I could actually feel some kind of cold wind blowing from that room, in between the planks. I took my left hand on my forehead and closed my eyes and bent my neck back in pain, while I lent my body on my other hand. I needed therapy. Slowly, unsure if I could make it, I once again rose. Sometimes all we needed was love, and for someone to care.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How did life turn out this complicated? I pushed out the endless lines of useless thoughts. I was going to track down the soulkeeper and find my people. I walked fast over the floor, and quickly, I put my gray jacket and shoes on. I took my black scarf as well. No matter what happened, I had to make sure I survived. You know all those times you doubt what you want in life; this was not one of those days. This was from now on, my mission in life. I stepped over the threshold, and locked my door. The stairs were icy and the weather cold and gray.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Happiness. That was what I felt right now. I had let my mind go off those horrible things. I had let myself go out there, fearless. With no other thought than for my own happiness, I lived my life. I was free from commitment and sorrow. My time of depression was over, and I was ready for my new life. I no longer only wanted to stay alive; I also wanted to feel alive. In less than a second. I was outside. I could feel the wind blow my hair, into my face. The cold rush of wind going down the back of my neck. The people coming back to life. The smell of fresh air and sun. I was actually able to see and feel the sun.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My intentions were no longer the same. I wanted joy and happiness back in my life, What was wrong with me? My entire way of thinking had changed. My mind no longer controlled me, I did. The grayscale was no longer around, and happiness was found. I smiled. All by myself I sat there on the middle of a huge field. I felt like I had lost some of myself, because I had. Obviously, things can change, just like when the blue sky rises above us, and let light into our grayscale. Psychological people are hard to notice, their sufferment and their pain can be hidden for years. Now I know, there’s more to life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sometimes we realize, we can’t always get what we want. And at times, what we get is better.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Some Walls doesn’t have to be. In this case the wall is not there for protection, but for avoiding happiness. Let us bring this wall DOWN!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -some things end before we even notice


© Copyright 2020 Malene. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments