When Will I Wake?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is an essay I wrote for my English Comp class. It is a creative non fiction essay about my life.

Submitted: December 03, 2008

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Submitted: December 03, 2008

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When Will I Wake?

 

Until recently, the last two and half years of my life have been like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from.  It all began on September 14, 2006.  I was on a seven day cruise in the Caribbean and we were docked at St. Thomas for the day.  It was a beautiful day and the island was amazing.  I toured the island with my family and my boyfriend and then we went to the beach.  As I am about to go swimming Josh calls me over and gets down on one knee and proposes.  Of course I said yes, every girl’s fantasy to be purposed to on the beach with a gorgeous ring, right?  Well what should have been a dream come true turned out to be a huge nightmare.

The vacation was over and we returned home.  Reality started to set in and it seemed that one little ring changed everything.  I started to see who I was going to be with for the rest of my life.  And keep in mind as you read this, every girl thinks they can change a man if they see a problem or they have at least tried.  It seemed like we fought a lot more, and with every fight my ring would get taken off my finger.  It was like that that ring was being used for leverage.  And now looking back I wish I could have walked away the first or even the second time my ring got taken off, but I didn’t.

My fiancé had a kid from a different relationship.  His daughter was three when I met him.  From the day his ex heard we were engaged, she did nothing but cause my life hell.  This of course did not make my relationship with Josh any better.  I started to notice that he had a drinking problem.  Being a girl, I thought I could change this!  Our relationship was like a rollercoaster, so many ups and downs.  Meanwhile I hid it well and continued to plan my wedding and my parents kept pouring their money into it.

I remember it was a Saturday in March and I had plans for a friend’s birthday.  I tried to get him to come with me but he wanted to go to a party in the town he was from.  I knew this meant nothing but trouble.  We fought the whole day and he left mad.  I met my friends at the bar and continued to have a good time.  I decided to call him to see if he had cooled down but I got no answer.  I had a gut feeling something was not right.  I didn’t hear a word from him until around noon the next day and it was only by text messages that he was talking to me, which I thought was odd.  He finally came to my house and got in the shower.  Having the gut feeling I decided I was going to check his phone (I know I was wrong for doing it.)  I looked through the text messages and I was shocked by what I found!  It was a message from his ex at two in the morning asking him to meet at the gas station to go to his friend’s house with him.  I was furious!  When I asked Josh about this message he just acted like she was crazy and just trying to start stuff because she seen him at the bar that night without me.  Well he swore nothing happened but I wasn’t quite buying.  It was eating at me the next day so I decided to just ask his ex.  I texted a message and she replied back that nothing happened so I dropped it.  By this point my patents have probably spent a good ten grand on my wedding so I kind of felt stuck.

It’s about four months before the wedding now and we decided to get a house together.  Two weeks after we moved in I had to leave for a bachlorette party in Chicago, which I wasn’t alright with leaving for the weekend since all we had done since we moved in together is fight.  The whole time I was in Chicago I couldn’t get a hold of Josh because he picked a huge fight with me the first night I was gone.  It want till Sunday that he decided he wanted to talk to me and it was only to see when I was going to be home, then I got that gut feeling again.  I finally got home and we continued to fight.  I felt more stuck then ever in this relationship with now having a house and the wedding being three and a half months away.  I knew something just wasn’t right but I didn’t know how to walk away. 

It was now about a month and a half later and we were throwing Josh’s daughter a birthday party.  That morning he asked me to go pick up his daughter from his ex and gave me his phone.  So I went and picked her up and not even a minute later his phone got a text message from her.  I read it and it says something about how she doesn’t want me picking up her daughter by myself and next time I did she was going to have words with me.  Well since I had his phone and she didn’t know it, I thought I would write something ignorant back to her.  We texted back and forth for a while and the whole time she thought it was Josh.  And then she sent a text message that says, “Are you forgetting I have phone records from March and Chicago weekend matching the ones Rachel found and by the way I like the way Kate’s room is decorated.”  Suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore and my heart kind of dropped.  Was she in my house?  Well I showed Josh and he tried to play it off as she was crazy again.  That didn’t settle well with me at all but for that day I had to drop it for his daughter’s party.  The next couple of days were rocky between us and we were constantly fighting about it.  And when he finally had me convinced to believe him, my worst nightmare had come true.

I was at work on a Wednesday afternoon when I received a text message from his ex.  Before even reading it my stomach was in knots.  The message read, “If you want to know what went on between me and Josh meet me when you get off work and I will show you everything.”  I had so many emotions going on at this time.  I felt like I had a ton of bricks on my chest, I was angry and sad but most of all I was hurt.  The timing couldn’t have been worse.  It was the week of my bridal shower and the week my wedding invitations were going out.  I thought there is no way this is actually happing to me.  I knew there was no way I could wait till after work to find out so I called her and she told me everything.  I was devastated. I held it together and went to my boss’s office and told her I needed to go home, when she asked why, that’s when I lost it.  She told me there was no way she could let me drive that upset and asked if she could call my mom.  I told her my mom is the last person I wanted to call, she spent so much money on a wedding, and how could I possibly tell her I am not getting married?  I finally convinced my boss I was fine to leave.  When I got to my car I called Josh and told him what happened and what his ex told me and he confirmed it was all true.  On my way home to move out I decided to call my mom.  This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  She was shocked and couldn’t believe it and said she would meet me at the house to move my stuff out.  While I was driving on a back road to my house, I don’t think anything else in my day could go wrong when I look in my rear view mirror and see the flashing lights of a cop.  He walked up to my car and of course I am still crying my eyes out from what happened and he asks, “Ma’am is everything ok?”  I told him no and what happened.  And he kind of stuttered and replied,” I don’t mean to pry but how do you know?”  I told him and I could tell he wasn’t expecting this kind of situation.  Needless to say he let me go with a warning.  I get to the house and a few minutes later my parents show up and my sister to help get my stuff out.  As I sit there and watch them carry my stuff out, I watch my life crumble right before my eyes.  I am just waiting to wake up from this nightmare, but I never do. The next days were even tougher, that year and a half of planning a wedding and now I have to cancel everything.  I was really in no shape to call those places so my mom did it for me.  I could tell how hard it was for her, she was almost in tears with every phone call.  There was a lot of hurt and a lot of money lost.

I wish I could say that was the end but the promises and apologies poured in from Josh and the rollercoaster ride began again.  There was a lot more drama between me and his ex, but let’s just say recently paybacks were given and she is no longer smiling at what she did.  The drama between us did end in one crazy night at the bar with a fight.  I have finally woke up from this nightmare and realized I can just walk away.

 


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