To Be Gone

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just a look into what it's like being gone.

Submitted: July 05, 2011

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Submitted: July 05, 2011



Have you ever had that feeling where you feel like you aren't inside of your body? As if you are acting on your own with inside of it? I've felt that since my first suicide attempt. That failed...Because I wouldn't let it happen. No one even knew I had tried. No one knows now. Even after six years it's still just my secret that no one will ever find out. Something I hide inside the blue eyes. Something that seems impossible with the platium blonde hair. Perfect as they say. But it's not.

Perfect? What is that? Everyone has their own version of it. So I may think you're Perfect. You may think you're anything but. I think that I'm far from Perfect. But you beg to differ. Is Perfect the one with the amazing body. The one that has ever guy wrapped around her finger? You may yes, but now I beg to differ. So as I stay here, sitting in front of you. I can't help but think about how Perfect you are. The abs, the dark brown hair, the muscular arms around my wasit.

I kiss you on the forehead and you stir. I smile lightly because I know you won't wake. You're too much of a heavy sleeper. You sleep, but I refuse. I move around this big house and fiddle with whatever I can find. The paints in our painting room. The cabinets in our useless kitchen. Sometimes I even leave our sanctuary and go visit my mother. Just for fun. But you don't mind, because you know I'm restless. You know that nothing can hold me in.

Not even a cage and three men. Not beatings. Nor rapings. Nothing could let me keep still. I had to be moving. Had to be awake. Alive. Things that cannot happen here. That's what they say. I know better than to trust though. You know I can barely trust you. You don't even know that I attempted suicide so many years before we had met. Two years before it happened.

"Babe? You awake still?"

I tilt my head to look at you, my blonde hair falling in front of my face, "Yeah. I'm awake."

"Why? You can sleep however long you want. We don't have to worry about what time it is. If it's light or dark. If we are going to miss a TV show. Hell, we don't have to worry about anything here."

I sighed. You just don't get it do you? I thought I was free. I thought this would help. Don't get me wrong. It did a little bit, but I feel more guilt here. Partly guilt. Partly not. I did feel happy here, but whenever you slept. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. Even if I had my mother to talk to. Or anyone I wanted. I could go and check in on my friends. Almost like a phone call that I knew they would never be able to answer, but yet I tried it anyways.

"Hello? You still with me?" You say, interrupting my thoughts.

"Just thinking," I respond, knowing not to let too much slip.

But you're smart. You know exactly what I'm trying to hide from you, "You need to stop worrying honey. It's going to be okay there."

I nod and begin to lie down, but you are stubborn. You must say what's on your mind.

"Not as if we could help it," You mutter.

I sit straight up again and turn to glare at you.

"I'm sorry babe, just go to sleep. You worry way too much to ever be relaxed. They don't need your help. They are strong. You know they are, you know they can handle themselves," He leans in towards my ear, "You taught them to be strong. To be confident. You don't need to worry about them because they know you love them They know you are happy... Well most of the time you are."

I stare at you for a minute, debating whether to tell you all I want to tell you, "Can we go for a walk?"

You nod and a smile crosses your face. You love walking. Running. I still remember we had spent what was two days to everyone else tangoing. You had taught me it. I had laughed and smile the whole way through. Then I had sung the song while we danced. A smile had been across your face the whole time. You love when I sing. You tell me I sound like an angel. And I tell you why I'm not an angel everytime while you just shrug, deflecting the comment as if it was nothing. When it's everything.

It's the reason we are both here. The reason why we met. The reason of why I'm here in just a tank top and shorts in front of you. It's the reason that I can trust you with many many other things. Yet I can't tell you about that first attempt.

"You are really thinkin' there Al," You whisper into my ear, your breath making me shiver.

"I do this every time you go to sleep."

"Why? You know you'd be a lot calmer if you didn't," You tell me as your arms wrap around my waist.

I can feel the warmth of it. I feel your muscles flexing and stretching around me. I love the feeling.

"I just can't right now. I don't know why. Just something's been holding me back," I whisper straight ahead, but you hear me. Like you always do.

"Allie. Don't worry. It's okay. How about we go for a nice walk and when we go back to the house, we'll try the sleeping thing again.Okay?"

I nod, but you don't buy it.

"Something else is bothering you."

I nod.

"Do you want to tell me?"

I nod.

"Do you not trust me?" There's no hurt in your voice. I'm thankful for that. You know that I have problems trusting. You know that you have to take your time with me. You know about how I was raped. You know how I was lied to all my life. You know everything, but that one attempt.

"I want to, but I-" I defend, but you cut me off.

"Don't you worry Allie. I'm not rushing you. Tell me when you want. When you it's right, not when I want to know."

I nod, but you know better than that.

"Believe me Allie. I love you. I'm not going to rush you. I'm not going to make you trust me."

Suddenly the tears flow and I turn towards you. You welcome me into a hug, my head level with your chest and my arms loosely around your waist. Your shirt is still not buttoned up, but it doesn't matter. I strain to hear a heartbeat. A thump, thump, thump that will make me want to run. Give me an excuse to leave your side and waste away into nothing. For me to fall into Hell like how Karen wanted it. But it doesn't come.

"You won't hear my heart. You should give up on it," You whisper into my hair.

I giggle softly, trying to lighten my mood, "Doesn't mean I won't give in."

You pull me closer to you, "Do you want to tell me?"

I nod.

"Whenever you're ready. I'm here," You reassure me.

"Always?" I ask.

You don't miss a beat, "Forever and always."

You move your hands up my body until you're holding my cheeks, then you tilt my head up to look at you. Your smile is genuine love. I can tell. The way you look at me is love. The way your hands are resting on my cheeks, not forcing me, but guiding me. Then you crash your lips into mine, but neither are caught off guard when we kiss. Time erases and I can feel the air around us changing. Taking us to wherever we deem romantic and beautiful. My hands move to your neck, playing with the little curls of hair that have grown too long and you move too, your hands sliding from my face down to my waist and then over my ass.

"Jump," You mumbled between a kiss and I do.

The kiss doesn't break as I wrap my legs around you, falling into your spell. Your beautiful spell. Suddenly we both pull away and take in the surroundings around us. I recognize the spot from all the pictures, Hawaii.

You chuckle, "I guess this is where we think is romantic."

That's what happens here. Whenever we get caught up in one emotion, we transfer to the place that we link with that emotion.

I smile up at you, "I'll tell you now."

"I hope that kiss didn't woo your votes," You tease.

I shake my head and you gently let me get down onto the ground again. I plop onto the sand like you do and stare into your amazing green eyes.

"I've attempted suicide before," I blurt before I chicken out.

You just nod, "Me too. I'm kind of glad it didn't work."

"Same," I whisper, still staring at your eyes.

"If I had succeeded I would never had met you."

Unintentionally I blush and a smile forms across my face, "If I had succeeded I would have never saved them. Never would have met you. Never found out who my father and mother really were."

You stare at me for one more second, then grab my wrists and pull me back into one of your spell bounding hugs.

"Now was that so hard," You whisper.

I choke out a laugh, "Yes."

"I know," Your voice taking on a calming tone, "but it feels better, doesn't it?

I nod, "Much better."

I can't see your face, but I know you're smiling. I know you too well to have you not smile when I agree with you.

"Let's go home Allie."

"Okay Travis."

We shut our eyes and picture our bed. The blue duvet cover and the white sheets. The fluffy pillows and soft mini blanket that I wrap around me. Suddenly the sand disappears from beneath us and is replaced with a softness that reminds me of a cloud. We open our eyes at the same time, to find us back in our bed. You shrug your shirt off your shoulders and throw it over into the chair across the room. We don't move from the bed as we strip back into what we were in originally.

"You promised you'd try to sleep," You whisper as you pull me down to lay next to you.

"I know."

You nod, then cuddle up next to me. I smile.



"I'm glad I committed suicide when i did."

"Me too."

I smile and lean into him. My eyes begin to droop for the first time in two years, I feel myself falling to sleep. Feel the lightness of a dream.

"I love you Allie May Laney," You whisper.

"I love you too Travis Lionel Everhart," I respond. I feel you jump and gently chuckle. You thought I would be asleep that fast? Silly you are Travis. Very silly.

The feeling I've had finally begins to wear away. Even as a ghost, a bodiless soul, I felt as if I was watching from the sidelines. Letting Perfect take me over, but I fought it. The simple thing of telling you about my suicide attempt has lifted the weight off my shoulders. Chased away the worry and stress that has prevented me from sleeping.I can't help but smile at that. Knowing that I have this amazing power to chase away a horrible feeling.

Your snoring interrupts my thoughts and reminds me of why I told you. I turn around to face you, then rest my head on your chest. I welcome the silence of no heartbeat. I have nothing to run from. I'm happy his dead heart can still love though. I'm happy that this heart can mend a dead and broken one so easily.

© Copyright 2019 Manda Pinto. All rights reserved.

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