Prone to Retrograde

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
a skewed love story

Submitted: December 21, 2014

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Submitted: December 21, 2014




I love being loved. 


Not that love that is carelessly thrown around when talking about movies or cupcakes. “I absolutely love Jennifer Lawrence” I hear people say. “You have no idea what love is,” I think while trying my best to conceal my eye roll. I’m talking about that truly, madly, deeply love. That unconditional, obsessive, infatuating kind of love. The kind of love that sets itself on fire. 


I want everyone to love me. But I will settle for Anastasia. 


Anastasia loves me. For real loves me. Unconditional and everything and I eat that shit up. I guess I love her too, but I would never say that. I’m coy as hell. I play it hot and cold. Thats how I keep her around. I’m not fucking stupid, the second you admit fully that you love someone, it totally back fires. I’m not about to give her that satisfaction. I mean don’t get me wrong — I used to be totally into her. I still am, you know. But once I realized that she was into me too, damn it felt so good, but it was like dropping one burden and picking up another. It was a relief. I had been keeping my feelings for her a secret for so long. Hearing her reciprocate lifted me. But I know I can never truly reveal my true feelings, my inner self. I spent so much time trying to be appealing to her — showing her what I want her to see — I cant drop the act now. I’m not risking that shit so she can decide she doesn’t really love me. There is no fucking way I am going to be that vulnerable. She can’t have that power over me. 


She loves me. I have the power. And I’m not trying to let go of that. 

© Copyright 2019 Marge Rauner. All rights reserved.

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