April 4, 2002
Tomorrow is the first day of school. This summer passed by so quickly, I feel like I said goodbye to 10th grade just yesterday. Here starts my suffering again. Though this is a new year, I am never a popular kid. I can’t blame this on school any way; I am not one of those people who can cope greatly with society. I think this year is going to be even harder, the only friend I had passed away two weeks ago from a terrible accident. I don’t know what I’m going to do…hopefully not something stupid this year.
April 5, 2002
I knew I had my hopes up too much. This wasn’t a good day at all. I can’t complain about my classes, all of them are AP. But sometimes I wish they weren’t. I wish I wasn’t the smart kid; I want to be cute and popular like most of the girls at my school. I saw my best friend’s boyfriend there. He acted like he never knew her, or cared about her death, because he is one of the popular boys now. Of course, he ignored me completely too. But that’s not the worse part. During summer we had gotten this paper that we had to turn in on the first day of school. I finished it the day I got it, but somehow it was not in my folder. I was embarrassed in front of the class as my English teacher, Mr. Edgon, made me stand up and made me give a good explanation of why I was the only person to not bring the simple assignment. Later on at lunch time, I was forced to eat by myself like a lonely, nerdy, ugly girl. I wouldn’t even try talking to the upper class girls; I learned my lesson from last year. The worst part is, my ex friend Allie is now Dalia’s best friend. Dalia is the most popular and hot girl in school. Allie and I didn’t have a break up fight because it simply didn’t happen that way. She is popular because she slept with one of the football players, Mike. He was drunk and so was she, but I guess it counts. She slowly stopped talking to me, and now it’s like we never met. I just hope tomorrow is a better day.
April 6, 2002
I heard a group of boys talking about this massive party at Dalia’s house. They said it would take place two school weeks from now. I would be so happy if I was somehow invited to it. Who am I kidding, who would invite me? I guess it’s best if I just stick to my school work and try to get on Mr. Edgon’s good side. There is no place for me in the popular world; I will always be put aside.
April 8, 2002
Sorry I couldn’t write yesterday but we had our first project which counts for our first grade of the year. I was working on it the whole day long and managed to finish it before night. I turned it in today and got myself an A, but the teacher gave me this weird “you have no life” look when I gave him the paper. I would think teachers like a student who does work quickly… or maybe not. Anyhow, I saw this boy, but he didn’t see me. He had the most wonderful eyes I had ever seen, but those eyes didn’t even notice me. I couldn’t blame him; there are more than enough pretty girls to look at in my school, so why would he see me? His name is Dave, and yes he is a popular boy, a football player too. If I could just tell him that he is amazing without hesitating I would, but he would most probably laugh in my face. These are the moments when I wish my best friend was here, she would tell me what would be the right thing to do. But she is gone, I am on my own.
April 9, 2002
I saw a boy being beat today. Mike and a couple other “cool guys” had him on the ground. He had a little bible and they wrote “faggot” all over it. That boy is my neighbor and his parents and mine are friends. I heard his mom talking to my mom once, she said he was gay, but that both she and his dad accepted him the way he was. Since Allie and I were still friends, my mom and her mom got along, and my mom told her about Lucas being gay. And no, Allie didn’t say anything, even for a girl like here that would be cold. The thing is after Allie lost her virginity to Mike, they started dating. So Allie’s mom told Mike’s mom, then Mike found out. Pretty much after that the beans where spilled around the school.
April 10, 2002
I just wanted to let you know that I am not going to write for a couple of days. We have this partner project thing, and it’s going to take me more than a day to complete. But don’t worry, after the project I will write everything that I missed. Hope to finish soon.
April 18, 2002
I finally finished that project I talked about. It was so stressful. To top it off I got paired up with this girl that can barely spell her name. But her parents and the principal are related so she gets all the good stuff for free, including AP classes. But today I have some good news, remember about Dalia’s party? Well I got invited to it. You wouldn’t believe who invited me. Allie. She seemed a bit forced to ask throughout the situation, but an invite is an invite, right?
April 19, 2002
I can’t believe it. Mike was talking to me today. He said “Hey I heard you were invited to Dalia’s party tomorrow, are you going to come?” Of course I am but I told him I’d think about it. Plus, Dave was with him and the rest of the football team, so I didn’t want to seem desperate. For the first time, Dave actually noticed I existed, I feel so happy. I still ate lunch alone, but I felt so much better. I just wish that I could be popular; maybe this party is all that I need. I’m not going to write tomorrow because I have to party, sorry.
April 21, 2002
The party was amazing. I think it gave me a boost to society. People know my name now. People know who I am. I am going to tell you this only because you can’t judge me…I did drugs. I had to because I had to go with the flow. Besides, getting a little stoned is worth getting into the popular crowd. I know if you had a mind you would be telling me how wrong I am, but the truth is I don’t care. I am not happy with what I did but things just have to be done sometimes. Maybe I can start talking to real people instead of writing to myself.
April 22, 2002
So I went to school today and Allie sat with me half of the lunch time, the other half I was alone. But who cares? I am usually alone all the time. I am so happy that Allie actually devoted some of her cool life to me. I did some school work and got an assignment, but I’m not going to finish it today. That may be kind of weird to me but the thing is I’m going to Dalia’s house tonight. There is going to be a reunion with the popular kids and I was invited. My mom thinks I’m going to study with Lucas, I can’t tell her where I’m really going because she would never let me go. So let’s just hope that mom doesn’t find you, diary.
April 23, 2002
The reunion was awesome. I got a little drunk but it all pays off. The best part was when Dave came up to me. We talked a while and he said that he had seen me before. I was surprised and asked him when. He said every day. I couldn’t believe it, he was either lying or I had been blind all this time. We talked some more after that and came to a conclusion of being friends. I am so thankful to Allie for inviting me to that party. I knew deep down inside that she had still been my friend. I am just so happy that this happened to me, it is like a dream come true. Okay, I have to get to sleep now.
April 24, 2002
Oh my gosh, I couldn’t believe it. I forgot to do my assignment yesterday before I went to bed. I was just so tired after the reunion. But you know what; it was actually different this time. When I had to stand in class this time (for the second time in the year), my friends where actually laughing WITH me, not at me. It is so much better to feel like I actually fit in now. I think they gave me the strength I needed to feel beautiful, and by them I mean my new friends.
April 25, 2002
I’m going out this weekend with Mike, Dave, Dalia, and Allie. Richard is also coming along, he is Dalia’s boyfriend. We are going to eat dinner at some place and then we’re going into the woods or something. It is going to be the bomb. I don’t know what the point of going into the woods is, but they said in the dark it is fun. I don’t really mind it, as long as I can be their friend. Hopefully we don’t get possessed by a demon or something. I’m just kidding.
April 26, 2002
I’m starting to get on Mr. Edgon’s good side. I guess being known helps the teacher/student relationship. He let my F slide, the F I got for my forgotten assignment, ha-ha. Anyway, after tomorrow I’m finally getting to go on my forbidden adventure…with my buds. And yes, my mom thinks it is another practice partnership day with Lucas. He is nice and all, but he is anything but popular.
April 27, 2002
Today was a great school day. I had lunch with all the cool people. I think Dave was flirting with me. I must have blushed to a color redder than a cherry. Hopefully people didn’t notice how much I like him. Or is it love, can it be? Whatever, I’m going eat dinner with my friends now…wish me luck at the woods, diary.
April 28, 2002
After dinner yesterday my friends and I did go to the woods. It was so dark and creepy. To be honest I was scared since we got there. But the feeling of hanging out with the most known people in the school was greater than anything. There where tents set up already. There we’re older guys there, Ricky and Stephen. Ricky is Mike’s older brother, he is 24. Stephen is Ricky’s friend, but he is a college drop out. I didn’t know if we were going to stay the whole night, and I wasn’t sure if I could anyway. So I asked Dave. He said, “Why Hun, you want to?” I told him I was just asking, but he insisted in telling everyone of my super idea. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut because if it wasn’t for that all the weird stuff that happened, wouldn’t have happened. Of course everyone agreed to stay and I called my mom telling her I was staying at Allie’s house for the night. I always have to lie to her, but she loved the idea of me and Allie being friends again…so it’s a win/win I guess.
So we drank and ate some candy. The candies were good, but they had this odd after taste. Mike’s mom had made them, she isn’t a kitchen fanatic. Everyone went to a tent afterwards. Allie and Mike went to one. Richard and Dalia went to another. Ricky and Stephen went to the next. So, Dave and I had one last tent left to ourselves. This wasn’t good, at all. We went in and I tried to lie down quickly and quietly. He zipped the tent and sat at the entrance for a minute. I made believe I was falling asleep, but I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was looking at me and rubbing his chin, and then he smiled and looked down at his feet. I closed my eyes when he was walking towards me. He lied down, right next to me and said “You are a fast sleeper, are you really that tired?” I really wanted him to just sleep without talking, but I guess he just had to say something. I told him, “Yeah, kind of, not really.” I was so scared, I was sweating. He said “Hey can I ask you a question?” I answered yes because how was I going to say no? “Are you still a virgin, I mean have you ever done it with a guy?” I knew where this was going. I told him I was a virgin, and I didn’t know when I planned on losing my virginity.
That was a poor choice of words because it led him to the question of “How about now?” I didn’t know what to answer, I had never thought about the moment this would happen to me. I guess he took my silence as a yes and climbed on top of me. He was touching down my whole body and I was feeling very uncomfortable. I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t help it anymore when he was taking off my clothes and I told him to stop. Dave looked at me with confusion and slowly let my shirt go. “What?” He said. I told him I wasn’t ready at all, and I wanted to go home”. He was upset, he said “Okay, go ahead and leave me hanging like that.” I took a cab home. It is now Sunday but I just can’t wait to see if he is still mad at me tomorrow at school.
April 29, 2002
Just as I hoped Dave is still my friend. He talked to me today. He said, “Hey Hun, I’m sorry about last night, the group and I are going to this party at night today. It is at Stephen’s place, do you want to come?” I was so happy he wasn’t mad at me, and I automatically said “Of course, Dave.” He smiled and rubbed my hand then walked to his class because the bell rung. I’m going to go get ready now, for the party…it is tonight. No one is going to be home in two days, so I didn’t even have to lie for this one. My mom and dad took a vacation to Las Vegas. I really, really hope that mom never finds you precious diary.
April 30, 2002
I am writing today for the last time. What happen in that party, I would have never though could happen to me. I got to Stephen’s house and it seemed a bit lonely. It didn’t look like a party either. I walked until I saw the living room, and I found a note on the table that said, “Hey, the party is upstairs.” So I went upstairs and saw a room at the end of the hall, the only room with a dim light that was turned on. I heard some voices so I figured everyone was there, but when I walked in I only saw Dave, Stephen, and Richard sitting on some chairs. Dave said, “Oh hey Hun, you made it just in time”. He sounded very drunk and I was starting to get scared. None of the girls were around. I didn’t say anything. “What’s the matter, are we scaring you?” Richard asked with a weird evil look. They all started laughing with no control. I started to walk backwards carefully trying to make my way to the door, but then I felt someone push me from my back. I turned around, it was Mike. He asked, “Where you going princess?” as he locked the door and slid the key under the door. “What are you doing?” I yelled.
I tried to run towards the window, but Mike grabbed me. All of them got up from their chairs and they pushed me to the ground. I was so scared I started to feel tears running down my cheeks. I said, “Dave why, why are you doing this?” “Don’t you ask me why, Hun, you left me hanging last night.” I told him I thought he’d understand, but it was no use. They all started touching me at the same time. They took off my clothes. I was fighting as much as I could, but what could I do against four guys. Mike said, “What the hell is wrong with you princess, why’d you leave Dave last night.” “As a matter a fact, you should have just given your little treasure to him, now you have to give it to all of us.” They kept laughing and my head started spinning. I felt my innocence, my child hood, my strength, and everything ripped away all in one moment.
If I would have known that this was the cost of my popularity, I would have just stayed alone. I can’t believe I thought I was so unimportant that I never even wrote my name in all of this. If doing drugs and drinking wasn’t enough for me, this surely was. After they all had their turn with me they left me there. That wasn’t even Stephen’s house; I saw a sign that said “Foreclosure” thrown on the ground as I walked away. Now I am here, sitting alone in my room. My insides are hurting, my soul is hurting, and my body is bleeding. My mom isn’t here and I feel more alone than I ever did, even though I’m popular. I don’t think I deserve my old life back, that’s why I’m going to end it. I’m taking some pills because I don’t want to be in more pain…because I don’t want to be me. I won’t be able to explain to mommy why, so I hope that she finds you, dear dairy. Love you mom and thank you for everything.
Carmen L. Johnson
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