im not all too sure what this is.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
this is written in the style of thoughts. its kind of long.

Submitted: May 05, 2010

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 05, 2010



How can someone I love so much hate me so much?
Ouch. I don’t even know
 Can I tell you something?
I see you I guess
I see you kind of walking around
Or getting out of a chair
Or smiling
In my head
And outside I think
I saw that you know not smiling like
That’s so funny or your entertaining me
I love you” that smile that’s
And I fucked up
And im pretty sure it was her like
Brown eyes to brown eyes
And then more brown eyes
But mostly yours
Your so happy
And im so
Not happy
But I get that this is life
And I get that
I am who I am
And I really get that
It wasn’t good enough
Or maybe I wasn’t
Maybe I was
But I love her too
But I thought you meant like me, like a sister but
She was in your dreams a lot you used to
Save her a lot from some kinds of alligators and shit
Or some monsters
But you were always in mine
Not lately though
Lately I kinda just
Its more like
I see you im watching you a little
And asking that question from the first line
And sitting very close, right? I think your knees were a little bit touching
Because im a little fat and take up more space
She fit between us
she can sit on your laps and shit
and you can pick her up and stuff like that
just nice things
shes so cute
and pretty
and if you really wanna get into it
shes sweet
and gorgeous
and everything you should probably have I mean
your this musician and this
this poet
not like my kind of dark poetry but
your just very one of a kind
and your very
I smile a little but theres not a better word I don’t think
Because life is meant to have just the right amount of shitty
And I guess I shouldntve perceived you as this amazing untouchable person
That in a way I was afraid of, afraid to disappoint and to lose
But I did and in the end I did
Both those things right? And you became
My worst nightmare
But I learned a little.
And now its like you hate me
Because I was so nice about it
And other people were so mean
But still im
The same
And im glad I used to think the way I did even though I forget a little
Just a little
So anyways im wicked wicked close
Like a foot away maybe
Maybe less
But ive been waaaay closer
But im pretty sure that will never happen again
Almost positive
Maybe completely positive
I just haven’t accepted my own acceptance yet.
Or maybe I have I cant tell
Its hard to explain all this shit going on right now
Like this revolution, im changing a lot to adapt to the large amount of shitty
That just appeared.
And im watching you and I feel like you notice
But you wont ever look at me
You avoid me
Because of what you did
I wonder if you’re a little guilty
I don’t think you are
You didn’t leave her house until 10:30
In any case
Im just watching and I feel like those shitty romance books when I wish that
you could stay a little longer even though
I hate that your holding her hand and taking pictures with her
That will be on facebook
Or some shit
And people will comment “awwww!” on them
But your so pretty
Ahhh haha your so pretty to me
I love you.
I think you call her that now
Do you call her sweetheart now?
I tried to look
I tried to see
But I don’t know if I wanted to at all
But im pretty sure you did
And im pretty sure im fucked
Not even about you anymore
But you just surprised me
An unpleasant surprise
That made me feel like-
Well lets not.
 I don’t particularly feel like it right now
Im not feelin anything lately
But I thought you were you
And you are
Aren’t you?
I don’t know
Maybe not for me anymore
But you just went away so quickly and now
We really are this
Aren’t we?
That’s disturbing
Oh well
And you know I don’t really mean that
But oh well
Look at her
I know you do
Me too
And shes so much better than me
For you
And just in general
And she did it
Your so happy
I couldn’t swing that shit
I blew it
I didn’t really laugh I just typed that
Im not hysterical
And im not a sobbing mess
Anymore, ill put to be fair.
I don’t know
I don’t know what to portray
Youd rather me leave you alone
So ok
I don’t want to
But I don’t want to be hated
I don’t want to be
And I got a little betrayed
A lot today
Fuck this whole friend scenario
Im so sick of being betrayed
And im so scared
But I know that its not your place to tell me its alright
And I know you wouldn’t anyway
Youd look into my eyes and then look away really awkwardly or something
And say something really hurtful but not in a hurtful way
Just dismissive I guess
I don’t know just
 Im just not into it
I want closure
Do i?
Lets say I do right now okay?
So closure
Whatever the hell that is
But I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable or overstep shit
Because all of a sudden, or
All the sudden
There are lots of rules that apply
That we used to defy a little, or I did
I defied them and trusted completely and was so
So so so
So relieved
For this
To have that
Maybe not even you
Well of course you
But that idea of
That being okay
That kind of thing
Ugh I dunno
Remember when? There are lots of ways to finish that with you
And with her there will be even more
And you have wonderful beautiful sex or something
You know I don’t mean that
Be happy
Are you?
Did I mean that??
I don’t know
How could you do this?
How could I do this?
Can I please forget this now?
I don’t really want to. I just want to be
Not that close
Well I do but as stated above
Never again.
And I fucked up
Today or yesterday
Im not sure
And I wanna hide forever until this blows over
But I cant
I never can
I love you
Sooo much
I promise
If it means anything at all
Which currently it probably doesn’t.
Does she tell you that?
Does she mean it?
I don’t know.
I think theres a good chance I mean I guess
It was always coming but
Just fuck it
Fuck this
I’m in love with you.

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