The Students From The Upper East Side

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
An annoying funny day spent in a spiritually inspired class with a major lesson to be learned. Told in the most sarcastic way possible.

Submitted: September 16, 2012

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Submitted: September 16, 2012



The teacher was like a clown collecting payments before class. Waiting for the last person to arrive an hour late for his own selfish reasons...trying to fool the pedestrian students into thinking he was god-like by being, his greedy ass just wanted the money. You could have gone to any internet thesaurus, typed "spirituality" in the search engine to get the gist of what this dude was saying. It was remedial to say the very least. And his fake British accent was unbearable. His presentation was flaccid and sleep provoking. I got nothing out of the experience but ill tempered. Being that I took 4 trains to get here, and the subway ride in the morning is horrible...that didn't help with the annoying feelings I succumb to. You gotta make a living somehow but at a certain point, what is the right way? What value can you place on someone's shitty spiritual can't really pay someone for just have it or you don't. I could've taught that class for free a million times better and in a closer location than the Upper East Side.

Clearly we did not need to be there for 9 hrs... and what was with the 5 minute breaks every hour. I came there to learn, master, develop technique, shine. I got shadowed with arbitrary commentary, rhetorical questions and filler. Actually, it seemed like it was all filler in between the 5 minute breaks. We did one breathing exercise that was repetitive, redundant and useless. I'm getting more out of the last 30 minutes in my bathroom than I got out of the relentlessly boring hours this morning. What a puny, misled powerless man. I feel sorry for him and I feel sorry for the people who sat through it. His calling is not teaching. Perhaps his wife is more skilled.

Every time he came near me during that bothersome prayer/meditation time where we had to be fixed with our hands in uncomfortable prayer position for 45 minutes, I felt hatred coming from him. I felt him adjusting and realigning his chakra in order to work with me. I felt him being hasty and uncomfortable. But I couldn't say that in class when we took 5 minutes each out to share everyones stupid fucking personal experience. Instead, I told him I found his sandalwood patuli perfume to be distracting. Whats with prayer hands? It's so uncomfortable. How can you get any good insight..all your thinking about is how damn soar your arms and hands are for keeping in that position. I made up my mind. I was leaving. I couldn't suffer an longer. I can take the pain all by myself in more stimulating ways. The topper was getting slapped in the face with the cold weather when I got outside...then having to walk 6 blocks back to the subway.

However, what I did get, was from the other people. The woman who cried when introducing herself. I was in awe of her ability to just flat out cry in front of a room of strangers...I cant even do it alone. I was in mental hysteria about the one woman who hallucinated a Christmas tree crawling toward her....granted it wasn't until I was gone that it struck me really funny... and it's comedy had to do with the fact that we all somberly listened to her recount her hallucination with such cult like pretense. Why didn't I crack up then? It was so absurd. Lastly I enjoyed the Ethiopian/German girl I chose to sit next to after I'd had it with the older Spanish man who wouldn't stop slowly, painstakingly clearing his phlegm coated throat whom I was originally sitting next to. Yea, that girl got me. Totally got my style. Laughed at my side jokes and appreciated me. She made me feel at home.

Lunch time came late. Most everyone had their kale and vegan whatever the fuck...while I ushered across the street to the hot dog vendor, whom by the way had to be freezing out there! When I went back upstairs 5 minutes early it was time, I collected my belongings and pondered whether or not I was going announce my departure or keep it to myself. Still not exactly confident I was making an exit for good...and then it happened...the blessing came! There was a Puerto Rican woman who I judged so harshly in the beginning during our personal introductions.. she boldly stated in her intro that she came all the way from Staton Island and was here because she was a house wife and stay at home mom all her adult life, her kids grew up and now she's learning to have a fun life. Something about the simplicity of that statement was so baffling to me and offensive. This woman, who came to mind during my meditation, because of the harshness of my judgment, she was my focus....I started understanding that I thought I should judge people less. I think I have an attitude problem. Then I thought I should judge myself less...well, then I thought artists and pedestrians don't belong on the same planet. Then I thought...we're not really even on the same planet. But somehow we're in this room thought process came to completion when she had her moment of recognition with me... "Oh MY GOD are you that guy on that reality show?" Uh Yes. I am. "MY GOD! My Kids are gonna flip when I tell them you were here!" Right then I knew for whatever reason, my purpose for being at that Reiki course was being revealed to me....I paid $350 to take a picture with this stranger.

But it's more than that. I was pleased that we were together. That means my life is not full of shit. And I'm reaching, subconsciously, people who seek a higher spiritual understanding and learning. I was pleased that the woman I judged the most was my fan. It was like a metaphor for how I judge my own self. It was completion. That was my lesson. Then she whispered softly to me... “can you believe how bad the damn instructor is?” There are two versions to the story...we know both.

© Copyright 2018 Mark Anthony Parker Adkins. All rights reserved.

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