this girl (teenage years) Chapter 1

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
this story is bout a teenager, former mean girl and how she really felt about herself and what she showed.

Submitted: February 16, 2015

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Submitted: February 16, 2015

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this story is about a girl who never found herself

“Party girls don't get hurt?

Can't feel anything,

When will I learn? I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"?

Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell?

I feel the love, feel the love- I hear Sia song and it feels too close to me.  All the hatred, in one song… I feel like dancing alone…dancing to the rhythm of life like tomorrow does not exists.

 And here comes the next song:

Give me a second I, ?I need to get my story straight?

My friends are in the bathroom

?Getting higher than the Empire State?

My lover he's waiting for me? Just across the bar?

My seat's been taken by some sunglasses?

Asking about a scar and...

I know I gave it to you months ago?

I know you're trying to forget?

But between the drinks and suddle things

?The holes in my apologies?

You know, I'm trying hard to take it back”

Party on my friends and let’s drawn the pain in vodka like we usually do.

Another night I stayed up. Another white night is passing as I think about what I have done. Moon is looking down on me and starts are judging me like 12 angry man. Have mercy on my soul… night, have mercy on my soul.

Time is passing and I don’t feel anything. When will I learn, when will I learn? Day after day emotions are getting more tangled. Heart gets tired from beating and maybe soon it will just stop, it will fail on me like my body did.  I am lying in the bath, in the water as hot as my boiling blood…when will it drain out?

Funny … its so funny how one little feeling with big expectations can mess a person up. Maybe it is not even what I think it is… maybe it just got me so lost than I am not even able to think straight.

As I am waiting for somebody to love me I started to hate myself.

I never found you.

I lost control.

I lost myself.

There is no time left.

From all the mistakes I did I finally learnt one thing, that people are always there to…there to judge you.

I am never alone. Alone is a state of being. Loneliness is an emotion, which is berried so down deep in chambers of my heart that nobody sees it and sometimes even I forget that it is there. Those are the times I feel completely empty.

People never notice, or maybe they do but I look too perfect for them to notice it. The more of them I meet, the more history I write, the more I want to avoid them.

There are few to love and fewer to be loved. There is me and there is crewed I am blending in.  I never even tried. Or maybe I did.  I want him. I got him. The more I try less it matters.

I fucked him. He fucked my friend. They will get married and this is how story ends.

I wish it was an end.

Everybody talks, everybody talks…

Shut up

Shut up

Shut up

Move on… move on to next chapter.

It hurts so much that I can’t feel anything. When will I learn? When will I learn?

I never cared. I don’t care. I will never care…. They will never care. 

-Hey, how are you? Looking good as usual

-Hey…

Well that’s an easy word to say and start a conversation and than mess up. It starts with hey, continues with flirting and ends up with disguse.

Yes I know, I know, now if I said those words out loud it would make no sense and people would think that I’m crazy. Well who cares what they think. I am not the outsider right? Shit… that’s a beautiful lie. All of them, all of this, does not really matter. Because.. this place of sadness I occupy with dignity…

Dignity is an adjective, which describes a great act in society.

 I am an artist and they live in my story of fakeness.

Hello..

Goodbye..

Love of mine

Never hide

Never thrived to servive.

I honestly do not care.

I honestly do not mind.

Another day is passing by…

Hello..

Goodbye..

 

Hey..

Bla blab la

Finally.. I don’t want to talk to you. You are just a loser trying to get to me.

Hey..

Bla blab la

Thanks god he stopped talking.  Day before yesterday you were telling me that you loved me and yesterday you swore how much you love my “ friend”. Jokes on you, bitches don’t give a fuck about “nice” guys.

Hello..

Even that pervert teacher wants to hit on me. Well I will have something to talk about with “crew.”

When will I find?

When will I learn?

 

Who am I? Who they think I am? Who they think they are?

Shut up!

The voice never stops…

“This story is about a girl who lost herself in crowed. She was pretty, tall, thin… you know how stereotypical school mean girl looks like.. well she was not blond or that superficial like you would think. She was much more than that. She was smart, well behaved…well… By well behaved I mean she always knew how to handle herself in the crowed. Even when she knew what they were calling her or talking behind her back… Even when she knew all of that was a lie… even when she knew all of that was a truth… she has never showed it. Until she needed to show it or until…”

there is nothing left to say.

I take a look in to the mirror one more time and see…What? What do I see? A girl with… A girl… A person.. I don’t know anymore. I have been told 1000 times how hot I am and well I… well I am. Why not? Thin, tall, beautiful hair and deep blue eyes. From outside everything looks perfect.

From outside everything looks good.

We can even wrape a bomb and put a red bow on it.

Everybody will think that it is gift. Nobody will think about color of a bow.

Until it starts ticking, until it starts blowing up and making the noise everyone will hear.

Everyone will see.

I see I’m pretty, smart, popular and hanging with the best crowed?

Just crowed…

Friends...

What friends? They change like the weather…

 

“She knew everybody. Everybody knew her.

She was welcomed by everybody.. She welcomed…”

Shut up!

How many times they have seen me smile? I think not that many. Than what gives them idea that I want them around?

I do .. I do.. but nobody sees through this body.. it’s not like I am model or I want to sound like I am the best looking but…

How can they not see how much I’m faking? Do they really think I enjoy talking to that many people and that many disgusting horny guys with one thing on their mind… when I know that all they want is to fuck me.

I enjoy attention, I do but…

“She never found right way to express herself. She never found right people to express herself.” And my mind continues narrating my life like in movies.

It is all just an act.

 

 “Wherever she went she was able to get the attention she wanted. Guys would try their best to get to her but she never lets it go too far. They would love to go far…Really far. Sometimes it worked but most of the time she acted dissent and turned them down… if necessary she was even able to shout at them on her friends’ birth days, to stop them from flirting …”

Well that was embaresing, but this guy was so rude. They never know when to fuck off.

I feel the hate. But their hate is not the one that destroys me. I hate myself. I hate myself more than you hate me, people!

“ -she thought as she continued walking in hallways. She walked around like a real lady with a great, strong posture.  Everybody liked her… Everybody wanted to throw dump at her for acting so perfect, for being so good.”

In middle school I was the head bitch but now I just gave up on it, I grew out of it and just became a slut. Yep, a slut. I would never think of myself that way, but I know what others are talking behind my back. I would say that they are just jelous but truth is I know I act like one. What am I saying? Really? I am not that superficial. I know I am not. I should not let them get to me or tonight I will start bleeding again. This scars never heal, the pain is too real, but it is all just an act… But I was just acting…

“Now everybody was talking about her. Everybody found out that she had sex with some random guy and lost her virginity in the bar. Now everyone called her slut behind her back but nobody dared to say it in her face. She looked too dissent anybody to say that to her face. Some took pity on her, but most of all they were happy… Since now they had reason to hate on her even though it was none of their business… But she kept walking hallways like a real lady.., she kept acting pretty…”

 

Nobody leaves high school without scares. There is always some small inch that needs scratching or little scratch that needs to be heeled, but in my case it seemed so big..  “it felt like she sliced up all her body and lost herself.  We could see scars from her heart on her hands.”

 

Hey.. look I’m still around.

 

“This girl had began dating from kindergarten. Did I mention how everybody loved her company? Till now every boyfriend she had was for a show. It was to pass the time. To pass through the loneliness.”

 But so far the worst thing I have done was sleeping with him…  as if cutting myself was not enough now I need to forget about this shit by drugs?!

One drug, one act of forgiveness and one old friend joins the play.

After all of this movie should have a happy ending. Where is mine?

Wait…

She was popular

Everybody wanted her.

 

Wait …

She was hated.

Everybody still wanted to know about her.

Wait…

 

“ and as she left for college and left behind the people and memories. The new book started.”

 

To be continued...


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