Diary of a Married Man

Reads: 101  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 1

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The following is the first of some short stories which describe the life of a middle aged husband trying to stay sane and get through the raising of my children and negotiate my way through life, marriage, and the pursuit of happiness. I hope that some of you can relate to what I am going through on a daily basis and that it helps some of you husbands out there with a little bit of laughter.

Submitted: February 28, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 28, 2011

A A A

A A A


My name is Clark I am a 41 year old man living in long Island New York. I have been married for 15 years and I have three kids, two boys and one girl. The boys are 10 and 7. My daughter is 4. The following is the first of some short stories which describe the life of a middle aged husband trying to stay sane and get through the raising of my children and negotiate my way through life, marriage, and the pursuit of happiness. I hope that some of you can relate to what I am going through on a daily basis and that it helps some of you husbands out there with a little bit of laughter. 

Dance Recital.
It’s Sunday June 16th 2010. As is sit here in the Local High School Auditorium waiting for my 4 year old daughter and my 7 year old sons dance recital to begin my mind wanders. I start doing the math in my head of how much this afternoons fiasco has cost me. Well let see:
1. 2 kids, 9 months of dance lessons by “Dance Experts” at $100.00 per month Plus registration fee for each child of $100.00 = $1000.00
2. Costumes $400.00
3. 12 tickets for the recital $240.00
4. Gifts for the two kids participating $100.00.

 I feel like a Master card commercial. I think to myself Jesus $1740.00 later. All the things I could have done with that money besides this. All the wonderful things I could have done. That’s two flat screen TV’s that’s tickets to 10 baseball games. That’s… oh well. That’s the way it goes.
Now let’s talk about the “Dance Experts” that are teaching my two wonderful children how to dance. These are people who instead of making it on Broadway, or dancing in theatre somewhere, anywhere,  they spend their time teaching girls and boys of age 3 to 18 how to “ Dance” in suburban long island New York. Keep in mind that there are 10 of these places in a 10 mile radius of where I live. I am sure they are all “Dance Experts” While many parts of this story are ridicules this is one of the most ridiculous points of them all. They are not experts at dance. They are experts a separating me from my hard earned income. That’s what they are experts at. No 4 year old gets taught to dance. All they do is get taught how to stand on stage in a really pretty expensive costume that cost me my left arm with 8000 people video tapping in the audience. Videos they will never watch. Of the little girls standing on stage half of them are scared to move, the other half are looking around as if to say what the hell am I doing out here. They are all waiving to their parents. Maybe one two of them are “Dancing” on the stage at all.
My son is in the all boys hip hop class. This is an absolute stroke of genius on their part. Figure out some way to separate the parents from even more money since they are all there for the little girls “Dance classes” anyways. The mothers and brothers are waiting why not make up a class for the boys and charge more money. I am surprised they don’t have all mothers hip hop class, or an all mothers pole dancing class. Now there are some lessons I would be happy to pay for. 

As I sit there waiting for my daughter and son to “perform” I am forced to sit through the other 47 performances by the other 200 kids in the school. Then I really start to do the math and I think to myself “hey maybe I’m a dance expert”. I could teach these kids how to do that. (On a side note, why do they insist on taking these overweight teenage girls, shove them into the skimpy costumes, and send them out on stage to jump around for 3 minutes at a pop. That always significantly increases the quality of my day.)I sit there waiting for my kids to “perform”, I watch performance after performance. As the afternoon moves on I start to think of creative ways to kill myself. Well I could blow my brains out that would be quick and easy, but oh so messy.I could hang myself from the rafter of this very concert hall.I could jump off the top of the school, no wait, then I would just be injured and still here that wouldn’t work. No, wait then I would get to go to the hospital, wow that’s it jump off the top of the school. Not dead, not here. Perfect!! I look around the auditorium at all the other fathers with a complete blank stare and then it hits me. They are all thinking the same thing. Maybe one of them has come up with the perfect way to kill themselves. Hmm I wonder if my wife would mind if I just start asking around. Which brings me to me key point of the whole story? Would there be any males in the audience at all if we thought our wives would still sleep with us if we just didn’t show up to the recital at all. You will see as you read my stories that many things as a married man come back to this exact point. What can I get away with and still have my wife sleep with me at the end of the day.
So we are moving along 4 and a half hours later after both of my beautiful children have finished their two brilliant performances and I have sat through the other 45 performances of the day by the elephants shove into cloths for a gerbil it is time to move on to the next outstanding activity. After the long afternoon of sitting my Ivy League educated wife decides it is a good idea to take the whole family out for dinner. So after our kids and I just sat through the whole day of being quite and are exhausted from “performing”. Out to dinner we go…


© Copyright 2017 Married Man. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Unknown

Booksie 2017-2018 Short Story Contest

Booksie Popular Content

Other Content by Married Man

Diary of a Married Man

Short Story / Humor

Popular Tags