DEEP BEHIND MY EYES

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Its about myself fighting with low self esteem and how I empowered myself to overcome it.Its a story many people can relate to.

Submitted: May 26, 2008

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Submitted: May 26, 2008

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DEEP BEHIND MY EYES

 

I took photos of myself on my camera and later had a closer look at them. For the first time I noticed how sad my eyes looked. No wonder people stared at me curiously at me whenever I passed by, they may have noticed the kind of eyes I have which seems to hide something behind them. Yes, something deeper, maybe a mystery.

For the first time in years took to reflect on my past, exactly what I have always dreaded to do for the past twenty two years of my life. My life according to me is not worthy to be reflected on. At my age I’m sure I’ve lived and lived through more than what even grown ups twice my age have.

 

I traced the beginning of my problems to the time I was born. Yes, trouble for me started when I was born. I was born to a single mother since my parents had already divorced. Although many people could dismiss being born to a single mother as a common occurrence, to me it was a very start of life. Yes, it was very sad at least for me. If it was up to me to make the decision, I would have chosen what I have dreamt of; having both my parents to welcome me to the world. I would have my dad in the delivery room besides my mother, wrestling with the nurses to be the one to welcome me to the world. He would also be shouting telling everyone how beautiful the baby girl, me, is.

 

But that is only a dream, yes, a dream which will never come true. They say you must accept your fate but it is difficult to accept mine. Why my dad wasn’t a part of my life growing up I will never understand. And will I ever understand why my mother hid it from me that my dad died when I was only six years old? She had the nerves to break the news of my dad’s death thirteen years later and it was only after I pressured her to do so. She broke the news to me without any emotions at all. She even confessed turning down my dad’s last will to even see me, his little girl, for one last time when he was passing on.

 

I would have loved to live my life imagining what a great man my dad was but my mother made sure that she destroyed it all. She made sure I heard from her what a jerk my dad was even having the dignity to compare me with him, a father I never knew, telling me I was good for nothing just like him. I wish he were still alive, maybe he would have protected me from her, maybe he would have made me feel good about myself, feel that I am beautiful, feel that I am worthy living, feel that…………

 

I always regret not having a fatherly figure in my life. That’s what made me at least that’s what they say. People say that I have low esteem, perhaps they have observed how self conscious I am and how negatively I take comments and compliments. Yes, I admit it, I have a low esteem. It can clearly be traced back to the upbringing I got. Growing up without a dad to tell you how beautiful you are, it becomes difficult for you to believe it from anyone else. It becomes even more difficult especially if the woman, who gave birth to you and brought you up keeps on telling you something different, you are ugly, yes the woman whom you call your mother.

 

Mother, yes my mother. My mother has always hated me; yes my birth mother has always hated me. She wishes me ill and sometimes tells me to my face that she would be better off if I am dead and buried. I have always suffered while sharing the same roof with her, no wonder I left her house when I was only nineteen. Yes, I couldn’t wait to leave that torture house. The house which made me suffer all my life.

I am going to start a campaign against emotional abuse towards children sometimes in the future. Everyone seems to be concentrating with caring about the physical side and leaving the emotional and maybe spiritual side. Someone has to concentrate on those areas which have been forgotten, emotional and physical, and that someone is probably me who has been a victim. Most people don’t know how it is to walk down the street feeling like an empty shell and sometimes not feeling worthy living.

 

Yes, I will campaign against emotional abuse towards children. I would never want my children or any other child to experience what I experienced. It was an ugly childhood to live through. I would not like to reflect on it ever again.

 

A smile come to my face, I am reflecting on something pleasant this time, something worth living for, it’s my future. I envision me running after a beautiful little girl. She is about six years old, the age I was when my dad died. I catch up with her and tries to lift her up, but she frees from herself and runs towards a handsome man who has just arrived and is now getting out of his car. I take a closer look, it’s her father, my husband, and she is my daughter, our daughter, we are raising her together, I have a great family. Finally I have what my heart has always yearned for in my twenty two year old mind, a great man to love me the way I have always wanted to be loved by a man who never did, my father, a daughter to give all the love that was denied to me when I was growing up and above all a real family. Yes, that’s what I envision of my future, a life which I can hardly wait to have.

 

I again looked at the photos, this is the last time am going to have a sparkle in those eyes for the first time ever. For the first time, I am going to smile, yes; I am going to see my very own real smile in twenty two years. That’s the only therapy I needed to move on with my life, reflecting on my past and focusing on my future.

 

My future, I smiled as I thought, then without thinking I clicked on my camera, I had taken a photo of me. I took some more photos and stood staring back at them. Yes it was me, it was all me. The only reason why it can’t be me is that my eyes are sparkling. Yes, for the first time in years am seeing my first ever real smile. I will never be sad again, I promise myself as I open the bible which I have placed just next to me. My past has  I always brought me closer to the bible for consolation and so is my future now because the bible will bring me hopes and dreams. For the first time in years I am at peace now.

 

I smile, something has brought me that beautiful smile and especially that sparkle in my eyes, the most special gifts from God which I will have always with me till my last day on earth. I can feel what has brought me that peace and smile that I have been yearning for years, Its something very special, something which has enabled me to move on for years, a commitment that I made not so long ago, yes, its my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I am happy that I’ve made it across that dark past and am sure others can too. Following Jesus Christ is a decision. Yes, it’s up to everyone to decide, but it’s the path I choose to follow. Its my decision to follow the teachings of the bible which gave me the courage to take and view my photos something which I’ve always dreaded doing having been repeatedly warned by my own mother that an ugly. The bible, it is said I am wonderfully and fearfully made; other people said I am beautiful too. I believe it now, for the first time I see the girl in the photo, that’s me, being very beautiful. No matter what anyone tells me I know I am beautiful, nothing and no one will ever look down on me again, I will never let them to, I have my self esteem back. Yes, my self esteem, what they took away from me years ago and took the advantage of torturing me emotionally over the years. I am so happy I made it through the hell of a life which I was living, and I am also so happy that I made it to have a real smile, I can’t wait to face the future with that real beautiful smile. Yes, the smile is genuine you could tell it even if you could be able to see from deep behind my eyes.


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