Post-Gameplay Episode 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan returns to Vermont in anticipating of Jacob and Renee's new child. However, Renee is having problems giving birth.

Submitted: May 17, 2015

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Submitted: May 17, 2015




May 13, 2015


(We start with Ryan sitting on a plane, listening to music on his iPod. A stewardess walks over to him)


STEWARDESS: Can I get you something, hon?


(Ryan takes out his earphones)


RYAN: I’m fine, thanks.


STEWARDESS: You don’t need a drink or anything?


RYAN: I can’t get a- yes, I’ll have a drink.


STEWARDESS: Can I see your ID?


RYAN: Okay, then fuck it.


STEWARDESS: Have a nice flight, sir.


RYAN: Uh-huh.


(The Stewardess walks away. Cut to Ryan getting off the plane at Burlington International Airport. Kimberly, Luke and Madeline are standing there)


KIMBERLY: Hey, it’s Ryan!!


(Kimberly goes over to hug Ryan)


RYAN: Hi, mom.


KIMBERLY: I missed you so much! (Kimberly lets go) I just want to gobble you up like a steak dinner!


LUKE: There’s no meat on his bones, you’d be hungry in thirty minutes.


MADELINE: Not if you served him with a rice bowl and some nan.


RYAN: Can we stop talking about how to eat me?


(Ryan goes over to hug Madeline)


MADELINE: Nice to see you, kid.


(Ryan detaches from Madeline)


RYAN: How’s the publishing game going?


MADELINE: I’m still working on the book. It’s due in December 2015.


RYAN: Wow. How about that? Everyone’s dreams seem to be coming true. Madeline has a publishing deal. You and Luke are getting married. (Kimberly and Luke hold each other’s hands) You have a successful business. (Kimberly hands Luke a hundred dollars, and Luke waves it off) Jacob is having a baby at twenty years old.


MADELINE: Twenty-one years old. It’s his birthday, remember?


LUKE: Also, how was that his dream?


RYAN: I have a record label and a band.


MADELINE: Which you left.


RYAN: I get to smoke weed in Colorado, it’s as if the universe is aligning.


MADELINE: …How can the universe align- I mean, what the fuck is it aligning to?


KIMBERLY: Guys, we should get to the hospital. We don’t want to miss Renee’s crowning.


RYAN: I want to miss that. You don’t really expect us to watch Renee’s vagina, right?


KIMBERLY: No, but we should be there.


RYAN: Of course. Dibs on the morphine by the way! Renee probably won’t need it anyway, considering she’s all religious and shit.




(Cut to Ryan, Madeline, Luke and Kimberly in the hospital waiting room. Ryan is reading the May 11, 2015 edition of TIME Magazine, which depicts a black person running away from a horde of riot police in Baltimore, Maryland. The cover reads “America, 1968” but with the 1968 crossed out and replaced by “2015”)


RYAN: This Baltimore thing is not going away. (Ryan puts down the magazine) Still don’t think we need body cameras and better training?


KIMBERLY: Who are you asking?


RYAN: Oh. Sorry. I forgot dad wasn’t here.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, we don’t have that counter-point anymore. But I’m sure Luke could share his insights on the British Elections. Luke?


LUKE: David Cameron is a wanker.


MADELINE: I suppose there are a lot of wankers in England then.


LUKE: He certainly got the vote of men in Benny Hill sketches.


RYAN: What I loved about the British elections were the way they were covered by CNN. Richard Quest being driven around in a bus and screaming British things at the camera.


LUKE: He was politely screaming. It’s something only Britons have mastered.




MADELINE: Even British Meth heads are classy. Which is why they hired one.


(Jacob walks in)


JACOB: Hey, you guys!

(They all stand up and Jacob hugs Kimberly, shakes hands with Luke, hugs Madeline and fist bumps Ryan)


RYAN: It’s been too long.


JACOB: Well, it’s been a while. Too long? I don’t know.


RYAN: Thanks, Jacob.


JACOB: Do you guys want to see Renee?


(A nurse walks over)


NURSE: I’m gonna need you guys to scoot, okay?


KIMBERLY: Excuse me?


NURSE: Only the father is allowed to see Renee while she’s in labor.


KIMBERLY: I’m the mother of the father.


NURSE: So the Grandmother?


KIMBERLY: Don’t push it.


LUKE: Relax, Kim. We can wait out here. We’ll see Kyle when he’s born.


JACOB: About that. The Doctor told me it may be a day or two before we meet Kyle Donahue.


(The Doctor walks over while folding in a telescope)


DOCTOR: Yeah, that little fucker may be a while.


KIMBERLY: Could you not call my grandson a “little fucker”?


MADELINE: Did you use a telescope to look at him?


JACOB: Doctor Stivers has been very helpful.


DOCTOR STIVERS: He looks like a healthy baby boy. (Jacob takes out Nicorette gum and starts chewing it) And with the help of Jacob here, he should stay that way.


JACOB: I’m trying to quit smoking, for Kyle’s sake.


MADELINE: Well, that’s great.


JACOB: This gum tastes like shit though.


DOCTOR STIVERS: Really? Let me see it. (Jacob hands Doctor Stivers the Nicorette gum case. He opens it) Jesus, this is chewing tobacco!

JACOB: What?!


RYAN: Wow.




(Jacob takes a bucket and spits it in there and puts it down. The sick person who was using it stares at him)


KIMBERLY: Sorry about that, sir.


SICK PERSON: You spat in my vomit bucket.


DOCTOR STIVERS: Where did you get this gum?


JACOB: Some dude outside the hospital was selling it. I need real Nicorette gum!


RYAN: If you think about it, though, Jacob chewing tobacco would only negatively affect him, not his baby.


KIMBERLY: Wow, don’t put that idea in his head.


JACOB: I’ll go find some Nicorette.


(Jacob walks away)


DOCTOR STIVERS: It might be days before Mr. Donahue’s child is born. You folks are better off going on with your business until maybe Saturday.


RYAN: Cool, because I’d love to see my friends again.


MADELINE: Yeah, me too. Not Ryan’s friends, my friends.


RYAN: Actually. Maddie…you’ve never hung out with my friends, have you?


MADELINE: Not extensively.


RYAN: …How about we do that? I want them to get to know you. Like I know you.


MADELINE: …Sure, okay.


LUKE: Wait, guys. We’ve completely forgotten about Jacob’s birthday.


(Jacob walks in with a beer)



DOCTOR STIVERS: Did you get distracted on your quest to get Nicorette and instead cop a beer off a homeless man?


JACOB: No, I got it from a Doctor.


DOCTOR STIVERS: Could I have his name?


JACOB: I ain’t no snitch!


DOCTOR STIVERS: No, I want to see if he has any for me.


JACOB: Oh. Doctor Lyle Evans the third.




KIMBERLY: Don’t direct the Doctor who’s going to deliver your baby to get alcohol


JACOB: You’re right. Maybe after.




(Doctor Stivers smiles and walks away)


RYAN: I guess I’ll go tend to my frenemies. Save my seat, make sure no sick people take it up.


(Ryan walks away. Cut to Sarah, Michelle, Brennan, Michael and Eric in Sarah’s upstairs game room)


BRENNAN: This is so crazy, this is the first time we’ve all been together since Ryan left.


SARAH: He was the glue that forced us together.


MICHELLE: Held us together-


SARAH: Forced us.


MICHAEL: We were all busy with college. But now that’s over, we can enjoy a stress-free summer. As long as Ryan’s aunt lives through the entire summer.


ERIC: Isn’t that the truth.


(Irville and Sarah come in)


IRVILLE: Sarah, you have a visitor! One, (Irville takes out a piece of paper) “Ryan Donahue”.


SARAH: You know who that is, Irville. Where is he?


AMY: Poor thing almost got trapped in my cat trap outside.


BRENNAN: Your what?


AMY: My cat trap. It’s like a rat trap, but for cats. Put a little cat nip. And a trap.


IRVILLE: There are strays all over the neighborhood.


BRENNAN: A cat trap?! That’s so fucked up.


(Amy has a smile on her face)


AMY: You’re wrong! Thinkin’ of selling ‘em. Could be lucrative.


SARAH: Could you just get Ryan in here?


(Ryan walks in)


RYAN: Hey, sorry I had to induce vomiting to get all that cat nip out of my system.


AMY: You kids have fun!


(They leave)


RYAN: Hey you guys!

MICHELLE: Hey, Ryan, get the fuck over here.


(Ryan walks over and sits between Michelle and Sarah)


MICHAEL: How was Colorado?


RYAN: It was spectacular. My Aunt Barb is such a sweetheart. We did acid together.


BRENNAN: Really? How’d that go?


RYAN: It was insane- we had a mutual hallucination. We both imagined we were doing acid with the Beatles.


MICHELLE: Maybe that’s how MAD MEN will end.


RYAN: No, The Beatles were broken up by 1970. It’ll probably end with Don becoming Deep Throat. Or maybe they’ll reveal he was the Zodiac Killer.


SARAH: I bet he’ll just stare longingly into something. And it’ll cut to black. The whole episode may only be three minutes long.


MICHAEL: I don’t know this show, so I’m going to bring up a show that that I DO know.


RYAN: No thank you. So guys, now that this meme team is all back together, where should we go once Jason gets out of the bathroom?




RYAN: Yeah. Isn’t that where he is? Smoking a cig in the bathroom?


BRENNAN: Jason’s not here.


RYAN: What? Why not?


BRENNAN: He just isn’t, I don’t know.


RYAN: Did you tell him I was back?


BRENNAN: I may have mentioned it.


RYAN: Well, shit, man, let’s get him over here.


BRENNAN: We already have six people here, man, and Eric hasn’t even said anything yet!

ERIC: Oh, I was just thinking of tips Ryan can pass onto his father about how to live in Russia. Let me tell you, I lived there for nine months and I have some pro tips. For instance, never leave your drink alone in a Russian bar, or they’ll call you (Russian accent) “pussy” (American accent) and convict you for gay propaganda.


BRENNAN: Cool, man.


ERIC: Not really.


BRENNAN: Listen, Jason is busy getting studio time for us at Towncenter.


RYAN: Really?


BRENNAN: Really.


SARAH: Hey, maybe you should get DHF back together, Ryan.


RYAN: I’m still living in Colorado until Barb passes away, Sarah.


SARAH: Doesn’t mean you can’t jam out.


MICHELLE: I can do your cover art. You know I’m in graphic design, right? I wanted to do a tattoo for you.


RYAN: A tattoo of what?


MICHELLE: A sailor that has you strung up in a net full of cod. The sailor is wearing bright yellow and is smirking evilly while holding a lip ring in front of you.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: I like that.


(Michelle smiles)




ERIC: Oh, fuck. Not this again. The last thing we need is a return to normalcy-


(Amy comes in holding a kitten)


AMY: I got a live one!

MICHAEL: We’re not returning to shit.


(Cut to black)

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