Dear _____

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
My ex fro a year ago, here is the letter I just wrote her three days ago. I miss her and she had an interesting way of tearing me apart inside, leaving me emotionally baren.

Submitted: April 29, 2011

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Submitted: April 29, 2011

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Dear _____,
No matter what I do I cannot seem to get you out of my mind, as I go through my days I see constant reminders. Life has been hard lately but what tares me apart more than anything is the constant thought of what we could have been. I know things didn't work out in between us, though I wish they would have. Even with a great girl by my side now, ready to go and do anything I could think of it's just not the same. I sometimes feel as if my chance was cut short, though after all I will never be the man that would make you happy. With constant reminders that surround me, whether it is music, friends, experiences, etc. There was a part of me that died when you walked out of my life and I don't think it will ever come back. I have been emotionally destroyed by you and though I don't think it was right I still understand. I miss you! I have been running through my days, weeks, and months with a constant hope that one day maybe I will get another chance. I have faced that it will never happen but a man can dream can't he? I guess this is why they say hope is the most dangerous of drugs, aside from pain. I want you back in my arms and your soft lips pressed against mine. Maybe I have been dwelling on this for too long but I can't help myself, it hurts and I feel slightly cheated out of a great thing. I wish I could find a way to let it all go, furthermore I probably should move on your with another man. I lay in bed with another woman and can't stop my brain from thinking about you and it's not fair to her. So what do I do, how do I get you out of my mind? I'm tired of carrying around this constant pain, I have cut you out of my life against my will in hopes that it would get easier if I didn't see you but well obviously it hasn't worked, after all here I am typing away. I am glad you are happy and I couldn't ask for anything more but god dammit I wish I was. You were one of the best and worst things to walk into my life and the sad part is you knew it and openly told me yet I still engaged. I guess you were right, you're like the forbidden fruit in a sense, on one side you offered happiness and the other side of that was unfathomable pain. To be honest it was worth it and even if I had the opportunity to relive even just a moment I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. I often think that maybe something's in life are too good to be true or maybe I was greedy, trying to obtain something that is out of my reach, maybe I have been stuck on you for too long. God I miss the smell of your hair, your soft caramel colored skin, your laugh, your constant drive for success, your hunger for a better life. What's sad is I have never been pushed so hard in my life to move forward and reach for more. You were my first true love of my life and I was willing to do anything to see you happy, maybe that's why I let you go. Jessica you were my the center of my world, and god I miss you a lot but I don't hold it against you for what you did, though I don't necessarily understand it. I feel bad for any and all of the girls that will come after you because I am no longer capable of loving another woman like I loved you and well these women have quite a high par to meet with now. I am not sure as to why you were so special to me but I want you to know you were. I see myself mimicking exactly what you did to me on Emily; I have tried pushing her away so she won't get hurt but much like me she is persisting regardless. Question for you, why did you do it, what changed your mind about us? I am hoping maybe your answer could help me explain to Emily what is going happen to her a little better. I don't want you to think I am crazy, I just feel I should say one more thing to you about the situation. I need closure or I will never be able to move on. Sorry I am wasting your time here with bringing back up the past but I feel it is the first step of healing and understanding for me. Think what you want to think and feel free to never talk to me again after this, just curious to hear your side of the story and I will stop bothering you. You were right about a lot of things including that I would find a good girl for me, unfortunately I can't seem to let her get close to me, I am what you used to call damaged goods and I have told her that you don't want this there are better guys out there. I do understand I could of summed this all up in a much shorter letter but I was in the moment just letting my heart spill out a bit. I have been dead inside since that day you ended everything, funny thing is it is exactly like that song. That pretty little missile shot me out the sky. Lol. Part of me thinks I shouldn't have said any of this or even sent this to you but I know if I don't I will be in the same boat a year from now. There was an emotional side of me but it is long gone now and I am pretty sure I won't be seeing that ever again. I guess over all life isn't fair and something's that you want just weren't meant to be had.
I am glad to hear that you are doing so well and I wish you the best of luck, glad you and Kerry are happy together and I hope that happiness lasts a long time. You two are very good together; mesh real well, jealous I guess. I wish the best for you two and your happiness is very important to me. Sorry to bring up old news but like I said I kind of just felt the need to and I have been feeling vulnerable lately so I figured now was the best time. I will stop beating the subject to death. O and by the way good luck with your bridal shop, I know you will be successful in that, you're very good at what you do and way smart. Take care, Jessica miss seeing ya, maybe once I finally get over myself and stop being a child we can hang out again, bull shit like we used to. I have been trying to figure out how to fix things in between Kerry and I but I am just not sure how yet, any suggestions? O and if I don't see you before, happy bday!!!!
 
Sincerely,
- Matt -
 
I retract my previous statement, don't respond to this, merely some food for thought for ya, over all I just wanted to say hi and this was just what was on my mind this evening. I miss hanging with you and Kerry, maybe one day. Take care and good luck with everything, always thinking about you two.: )
-


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