The Best story Ever

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
It's not finished but i wanted to see what people thought. I took characters everyone is familial with and hide them throughout the story. The story gets better as you go along, so give it a chance. Thanks

Submitted: April 25, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 25, 2012




Down in Nevada, Reno’s police station held me in questioning. Still under the effects of Yesterdays shrooms, I had been very depressed about my recent termination from my acting role in the sit-com “two and a half women”. I had been devastated by the loss of my job, and couldn’t stand the idea that I would never work with my co-actresses  Alana Harper, and her daughter Jane. So in order to cope I had submerged myself into hardcore drugs.

Going back a week in time, I had planned to hike the appalican mountains, with the help of some shrooms  I had brought along. Hiking for about a mile, I noticed another hiker about 300 feet above me. Hoping it would be someone I could relate to I tried to pick up her pace, but soon gave in. After about an hour into it I noticed a yelp. The noise sounded as though it was coming from farther up the hill, but didn’t sound like anything I had ever heard before. As I progressed I began to hear a “hey you” coming from a direction unknown. “It’s me, you idiot” I heard. Looking around I spotted a small rock that appeared to be speaking to me. “Did you just say something?” I whispered in confusion. “Yes, that was me” said the rock. “ummm, ok?, was that you who screamed? I asked. “That jerk up ahead stepped on me” said the rock. Considering the possibility of a talking rock I picked up the rock and continued walking. “Put me down!” screamed the rock. “I don’t think so” I whispered . “A talking rock seems like it will make this trip a lot less painful”. “Fine. What’s your name anyway?” asked the rock in frustration. “The name’s Charline, Charline Scheen…”. Oh an actress, I use to be an actor you know, but I did think you looked familiar, didn’t you star in Two and a half men?”. “Two and a half women, you stupid rock”! I screamed; the other hiker up ahead looked back, which was embarrassing, but the shrooms seemed to help. “An actor? How was a rock an actor?”. “A rock? I’m not a rock, I’m The Rock, surprised you haven’t heard of me, and I have a name by the way. It’s Dwayne.”. “ Never heard of you” I said, although the name did seem a little familiar.

Dwayne and I conversed for some time, and I seemed to be gaining on the hiker up above, I had no idea the time that had passed but it seemed to be getting darker. I decided now would be a good stopping point and called for the hiker ahead to see if he wanted to join us.  “Hey you” I called. The hiker turned around in an impresibvely awkward manner. He stopped and called back “who goes there” which was very strange and I almost immediately regretted my social attempt. Meeting him ahead, he introduced himself. “I am in the volunteer police officer program, and I have pepper spray, along with the ability to call for almost every animal in the forest, so don’t try anything.” The strange man appeared to be so overly prepared that he could survive a P90X commercial, and still be on the same channel by the time it ended. “Oh ok.” I said politely not wanting to anger the strange man, “my name is Charline by the way”. “The name is Dwight” he said. We set up the tent and began to prepare to sleep.

Growl!!! “What was that” I cried. But Dwight didn’t respond, he reached in his bag, pulled out a mask that resembled a bear, and ran outside. Struck by confusion I waited in the tent, shooken by another growl that didn’t sound quite like the first one, and a cry that sounded nearby. I watched as what I hoped to be Dwight’s shadow walking towards the crying. About twenty minutes later Dwight returned along with three others. The others consisted of a tall man, breathing heavily, wearing a cape and what appeared to be some combination of a helmet mask, a short kid who looked about the age of 14, and a baby who face was covered in wrinkles. “Wha… What happened out there, what was the growl?” I asked in overwhelming confusion. Dwight was still wearing his bear mask, in which he continuously insisted was a black bear mask. “I scared the monster away, while this loser cried” Said Dwight. The 14 year old boy laughed at the man in the helmet mask, pointing. The heavy breathing, cape wearing, helmet mask man began to sob. Ignoring the crying, I nervously glanced over at the baby to make sure it didn’t resemble myself in anyway. Not that it could in any way in hell be mine, but I did have a baby around a year ago, that I misplaced. Surprisingly it was covered in wrinkles and gray hair. “This is my baby” yelled the boy. It obviously wasn’t, but I played along for the hell of it. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were a father, and what might your name be?” I asked. “My names be Justin Bieber” the boy said. I noticed he was wearing a dog tag that didn’t spell such a name. “Really” I said in playful astonishment. “Yeas”, he said, “And don’ts you be forgetin’ it nows!”. His terrible grammar matched his dog tag that read Tom Sawyer. Finally the heavy breathing, cape wearing, helmet mask man finally stopped crying, and informed us that he had some kind of Aluminum Falcon? He then began to speak. “If any of you think that you are going to ride on my Aluminum Falcon you must address me appropriately”. With all of us holding our laughter aside from Sawyer, we asked “And what might we call you sir”. “the name’s Chad, Chad Vader, and you shall call me only by sir-name”.

Filled with frusteration from being around these characters I decided to reach in my bag and pull out my remaining bag of pot. But before I was able to, I was assaulted with pepper spray. “NO DRUGS!!!!” Dwight screamed loud enough to make Chad cry again. My eyes watered profusely as I fell to the ground. “What the F-“ I tried to scream but before I could finish my favorite four letter word, I was sprayed again by Dwight. “No swearing either, this is the office, it’s not appropriate!”.  “What” everyone yelled except for Chad who was still crying. “The office?” asked Sawyer. “Sorry bad habit”, Dwight said, but before he finished, he yelped “Black bear is best” before apologizing again. Chad stormed off into the woods. But no one followed, and it wasn’t until morning that he returned. “I found it!” he yelled, waking everyone up. Chad had been convinced he had found his so called “Aluminum Falcon” and was eager for everyone to follow. “I use to have one of those to” said Sawyer, but everyone ignored his stupid comment. After hours of Chad’s winning, Dwight pulled out what appeared to be a peelet gun out of his bag and shot Chad in the arm. Predictably Chad began to cry, which was quite frankly getting very annoying.  

Something wasn’t right. I noticed someone was missing when it hit me. “Where’s the baby?” I asked Sawyer. “The baby?”, “Oh you mean Benjamin?”.  “I’m guessing he lost his button again, and went to find it”. “Shouldn’t we look for it? It is your baby isn’t it?” I asked. “My baby? Oh yes yes my baby. It is my baby. Yes we should look for it!”. I noticed Chad’s helmet mask made a smirk as if he wasn’t telling us something. “Chad! What do you know?” asked Sawyer. Sawyer had seemed to have made the same observation.  “Haha, I knew you freaks would never follow me to my Aluminum Falcon so I snuck back in, during the night and hid the baby by it”. “Damn it Chad” yelled Sawyer. “Hey it’s Vader” Dwight barked at Sawyer. “Yea!” Yelled Vadar. “Shut up Chad” yelled Dwight. Chad began to cry. “Ok Vader, take us to the baby” I said. “Follow me” said Vader.

We walked for hours until we came to a sudden stop. GROWL!!! We all froze, but the tension became laughter as Vader began to cry, again. The monster Approached until it was recognized by all. “It’s Bad Hello-Kitty!” cried Dwight, which really confused everyone around to a magnitude greater than their fear. As the monster took a step closer, a net enclosed around the noticeably out of shape bad hello-kitty, trapping it and dragging it into the tree. A geeky “yes!” scattered through the surrounding area. The voice seemed to have erupted from a tall yet seemingly skinny man, who had at the moment been smoking his pipe, in an almost arrogant fashion. “By god, it seems I have captured the finest specimen of the forest, fellows, you should all take note. Surprisingly Sawyer had not been to fascinated by Sherlock’s classy fashion, and had taken the moment of silence to punch Sherlock, sending him to the ground in shock, while at the same time spilling his pipe. Sherlock may have been angry about the pipe, but was not nearly as angry as we were surprised. It had become evident that throughout all of the movies and television shows Holmes had starred in, as Sawyer would say “He ain’t hav been smokin’ no Tobacco”.As you might have guessed this didn’t make Dwight too happy as well, which made us all a little less surprised when, he also decided to strike Holmes. It was at that moment that I realized three things. First, I had forgotten about Dwayne, the Rock, and had left him in my bag since the the day before yesterday. Secondly, Sherlock did not seem nearly as tough as he did in his latest movie, which really made me want to resort to doing more shrooms, but I felt there had been enough violence for the night. And Finally we still need to find Benjamin. Did I forget to mention that Vader is crying again?

once tensions calmed down, and Holmes awoke we began to follow Vader once again on his path to his “Aluminum Falcon”. It was about a half an hour, and four “yea, it’s right here” into it that we suspected Vader was lost. But nobody questioned him. We didn’t want to take the risk. It was then that Sawyer had found his way into the bottom of a swamp. Struggling to breathe, Sawyer’s mouth appeared and disappeared, as most of us watched. Holmes though had found it in himself to go through my bag, finding Dwayne in an attempt to through him at drowning Sawyer. But the fun does not end there. Before Sherlock Holmes could chuck the rock; Dwayne, who turned out to be a turtle, pooped in his hands, causing him slip, chucking Dwayne hard into the swamp, while simultaneously breaking into an unintentional barrel roll, knocking Dwight and himself into the swamp, while bad hello-kitty meowed, Vader cried. A quite humorous scene, if I would say so myself.

Soon after a body floated up from the swamp.  A squeal was heard, “oh my god you killed Kenny!” it screamed. It was a short blue hatted boy  who suddenly arose from the woods. “Who are you?” asked drowning Sawyer, which was completely irrelevant considering no one heard it. Drowning Sawyer accidently kicked an underwater rock-pineapple knocking it lose and afloat, as his lungs filled up with more swamp then there was to begin with.

“I’m Ready!” we heard repeatedly slowly getting louder as a yellow circle emerged from the bottom of the swamp. Suddenly a god appearing to be dressed up as a pirate, decent from theeeeee {emphasis typo}  sky. In attempt to be one of those broadway douchebags {No offense broadway fans…douchebags} .The god then began to sing “Who lives in a pinapple-rock, under dat swamp”.Suddenly my dropping the soap memory of prison was replayed as I heard a high ringing scream coming from no direction that appeared to be children yelling “spongeboob circleshirt”. A wonderful… I mean, I mean terrible memory, that I could never get out of my mind.

© Copyright 2019 Max Rothschild. All rights reserved.

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