Love is Hard

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

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You start to think back, back before you met, how strong and independent you where, how you didnt depend on anyone but yourself. but now when you look in the mirror you see nothing, you're broken, you don't even recongise yourself, no one can fix you but yourself but you're not strong enough so you let yourself crumble and fall. You watch your dreams and world pass you by, always knowing you are not good enough, always feeling inadequate, always knowing that everyone is going to leave and everyone is going to hurt you, you're in this world alone, alone and scared.

I want to tell you about myself, most of all i want to tell you how i feel. I need to tell someone but i dont know who to tell so am telling you. Dont judge these words i write down, these words are not for you but for me. Well, like I said this is me.

I listen to pianists, its my favourite type of music. I think it's because I grew up with a very superb pianist, he taught me how to play 'dont cry for me argentinia' when I was about six but that was a very long time ago, I guess I forgot shortly after his death. I am known to spend most of my time alone, I know I care to much about the little things in life and not the big things so much. I believe in the lord. I think to have faith and love for God is one of the greatest qualities about a person. Am insecure, I have no confidence, I dread walking into a room full of people and am so scared of people judging me that I get really nervous at parties or anything that involves a lot of people really. I hate the way I look but more so I hate my personality. I always change my mind. i dont like to think of it as giving up, just changing. I adore to horse ride, I enjoy nothing more than getting up at 6am just to go and work with horses, i dont care if its raining or muddy its what I love to do.

I always said I would do all these adventures. I would change my life, I would be truly happy, I would follow my dreams, save the world but I never did, and dont think I ever will. I am truly petrified, I'm petrified of the future, I'm petrifed of the past and I'm unsure of the prestent. I always wanted to move away! Get out of this small town in the city and be free. Live in a little village in the countryside where everyone knows my name and everyone appriciates the finer things in life. Where I can be happy and not have to think, I'm not dressed the best, I'm not pretty, I'm not skinny enough I just want some place where I can be myself and not be bothered by the outside world.

I guess now you know me, well what I want you to know about me, I want to tell you how I ended up in this mess of a life. Well what I think is a mess, maybe you don't.

It all started to go down hill in july, I had just left college with top grades in horse management and I was to go and work full time with horses. the yard I was going to had a bad reputation, the staff there were not the friendliest in the world but I thought if I kept my head down and worked then I would be fine, a month into the job the staff got worse, they made me feel so isolated and threatened. They intimidated me day to day making me feel worthless and making my confidence slip. You see although I have no confidence in the real world I always had confidence in the horse world, my world and they destroyed it. It got so bad that I became scared of doing anything infront of them, once they left me alone I was fine but with there eagle eyes watching me I just wanted to run away. I soon left that evil place not only did it make me unhappy whilst being there but it made me unhappy at home, so I got up and left. I still havent decided if that was a good choice or not. I guess I felt like I had given up on a dream, I think I still do. From then on my confidence got worse. My boyfriend at the time didnt understand why I had no confidence, I couldnt even walk into a room on my own, thats when he started pushing away from me, I guess he felt the confidence problem was to do with him.

A month later my first love left me. He said he was confused, well lets just say that sent me down a twirling trap to death. I couldnt understand and still don't know why he did it, but he did. Maybe to you this doesn't seem that bad, you know life goes on etc, well to me it didn't, everything stopped for me.

Two months ago my life, to me was perfect, it was filled with happiness and beauty. I had all that I wanted, I had everything, but now, now my life is a black hole swirling around in confusion and heart break. Each day, each hour, each goddamn minute I feel like I have to hold my heart in place because am so scared it will explode out of my chest, come crashing down into a million pieces and am not strong enough to put the pieces back together.

My life is truly a mess and you're probably wondering how the hell I let everything get to me and why I never excepted reality and moved on, I let myself give up on my dream job because I cared to much and I let silly things get to me and I refuse to accept that he can just walk away from me, I will not surrender and give up on someone I love. I am not the type of person to forget and let go of my emotions, goddamn my emotions rule my life! Every descion I make is due to them.

The stuff I keep doing as well is so stupid, and I know it is but I can't stop. You're wondering what this stuff is now arent you? Well I guess ill tell you.

Since that earth shattering day, I havent slept properly, I can't stop crying, I keep pushing everyone away knowing I need them the most, I can't eat mostly because I feel the need to go sick and because I dont want to but ill tell you why in a moment. I alway take about a lot of tablets a day just to make my feelings go away, dont worry they are only calmer pills am not trying to overdose, not yet anyway.

The truth is, I actually don't know why am doing this to myself apart of me wants to let go but a major big part of me keeps saying just hold on, you're not ready to let go just yet. I don't know why am so scared to sleep, I don't know why my dreams are haunted, I don't get why I can't talk to someone for longer than a few minutes without trying to hold back the tears, I dont understand why am pushing the people I love away from me when I need them so much. but I do understand why I am not eating and taking all these calmer pills. For you this may seem stupid and silly but to me at the time it made so much sense. It's because when I dont eat I get really bad hunger pains, go really weak and feel like am about to vomit, it makes me forget about the real pain, the hurt inside my chest that wont go away. Similar to the pills I guess, the pills make the feelings go away, they calm me down, stop me from thinking, they make me sleep and not dream and they make me a little content for a while.

I know you probably dont understand, and know you never will, in your eyes I'm just a stupid teenager but havent you ever lost anyone worth holding on to?

If you havent then I really wish you never have to feel what I feel, I wish you never have to have this gaping back hole where your heart should be and you stay happy for a very long time. But if you do I wish you have enough strength to pull through as I don't.

Maybe this will help you understand more.

Have you ever looked at someone that held so much beauty, so much love, your love, they can do no wrong in your eyes. That everytime you look at them a glow of warmth and happiness over takes you. Beautiflys attack your stomach when youre around them, you are truly crazy about each other, you spend everyday together and would do anything to please them. not one moment spent together was took for granted have you ever felt like that?

Then one day they wake up and tell you they dont feel the same anymore. In the split of a second your whole life shatters, your breathing gets heavy and your chest gets tight. A thousand arrows spear through your chest breaking the skin within seconds, tearing through the muscle and shattering your heart. You fall so you hit the ground gripping your chest so tight you hold it together knowing that if you let go the pieces will be lost forever

You beg, you pled with every inch of your body but there is nothing you can do as you watch the one person you held so very close walk away from you with no explanation.

You start to think back, back before you met, how strong and independent you where, how you didnt depend on anyone but yourself. but now when you look in the mirror you see nothing, you're broken, you don't even recongise yourself, no one can fix you but yourself but you're not strong enough so you let yourself crumble and fall. You watch your dreams and world pass you by, always knowing you are not good enough, always feeling inadequate, always knowing that everyone is going to leave and everyone is going to hurt you, you're in this world alone, alone and scared.

One thing i hope you realise is that, this love thing well it kicks so hard that it breaks all your bones, cuts so deep and scars your skin, that it hits your soul like a thousand needles, it makes your blood flow and never stop, its better to know right? Love is apart of life that we can not escape, it gives people the power to hurt you again and again.

I am not ready to walk away, I don't want to give up. Am prepared to be hurt again and again, am going to stay even though I know he doesnt want to love me. But if I am honest I dont care about me, I care about him and his happiness, am still crazy about him. I know its not always easy but am here forever.


Submitted: March 13, 2011

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