Sitting in my studio apartment, I laid on my bed, pondering on whether or not I should go to a strip club on a Tuesday morning, but then all of that changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the world’s greatest superhero ever that goes by the name… wait… he doesn’t have a name, but when the world needed him most, he died. A hundred days has past and the world is still in need of a superhero. My city, Citysville, is plagued with murder and rape. My name is Yugi Moto. And here is my story.
From the Intel I have gathered, the lead gang, Gangers, all hang out at the one bar and grill called Moe’s. I stood atop the building adjacent to it and leaped across the desolated street and crashed landed inside the bar. The dust filled the air and I could hear them coughing and gagging. I was sick, so I couldn’t really smell anything. The dust was still lingering, annoying the mess out of me, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner that sucked up all the dust. When the dust was gone, all of the members of the Gangers were staring awkwardly at me. Some had a disgusted looks on their face, some had amazed looks on their face. And I saw why. I was completely naked. I had no clothes and I was darker than a shadow. I was so dark, they had a nickname for me because of how dark I was. They called me…
“It’s DARKIE!” One of the punks yelled as he rushed at me with his head down. He grabbed my wait, but my male extension, The Organism Formerly Known as Penis as I like to call it, rested on top of his head as he tried to pick me up. His other friends look at him.
“Dude, he’s naked!” They all simultaneously yelled as it looked like he had a thick tootsie roll growing out of the back of his head. He stopped lifting me and he let me go, The Organism Formerly Known as Penis sliding roughly off of his coarse hair. He screamed like a howler monkey and melted because whenever the Gangers touch another man’s organism, they melt down like the Wicked Witch of the West. “He obviously didn’t think that through.” Another guy said as he stood up and tried to fight me. I stood there with my arms folded. “I’m gonna beat you off.”
“Um, I’m pretty sure you mean ‘down’. If not, then get to beating.” I know that I’m going to lose fans for this, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them until they learn about it and then it’ll probably hurt them. Not physically because words never hurt anyone. Unless you were on Sesame Street and you called a word a bad word. Literally. You call a word a bad word and they will beat the letters out of your name and rearrange them into “bitch” because that’s what you are now. A bitch. To make it worse, you’re their bitch. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. He pulled a chair that was bolted to the ground out of the ground and he threw it at me. I just stood there like people would normally stand if they were naked: confidently. I kicked the chair into pieces and I charged at him, but I forgot that it was dark and I forgot that I didn’t really kick the chair, but I imagined that I kicked the chair because the chair actually hit me into a delusional coma. And then I woke up tied to a chair. It was another dark room and this dark room had a familiar face, well, a familiar chin. He punched me really hard in the face, causing me to spit out blood. A lot of it.
With a very gruff, as if he smoked a lot since his parents died, yelled, “WHERE ARE THE DRUGS?!?!”
I spat out blood one last time. “The last time I had drugs, you wanted none of them. Now you want some? Make up your mind.” He punched me again, this time I shed a tear because that one really hurt.
“WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?!?!”
“Are we still talking about drugs or people?” He punches me one last time, knocking me on the floor, still tied to the chair.
He kneels down to me and pulls himself to my ear for a gentle whisper, “WHERE ARE THE DRUGS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”
“To your parents… oh wait.” Batman stands up and stomps me in my face and I awake in another dream. This time, I wasn’t naked and it was full of snow and there was a sign that said, “Narnia.” I smiled. I have always wanted to go to Narnia. I wonder what journey awaits me here. Only one way to find out.
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