The Inner Working of a Twisted Mind

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
A diverse collection of poems and random ramblings from the wastelands of a lost soul. Twisted, filled with dark humour, this book takes you through the trials of a fucked up life. Yet beauty is still to be found in these pages, and as we all must do in order to move on in life, we must take the good with the bad alike. And together these experiences shape us. The emotions in this book are what created me.

Submitted: September 05, 2012

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Submitted: September 05, 2012

A A A

A A A


 

.2

Too bad it's too late,

to say goodbye.

Too bad I can't stand,

to watch our love die.

It's a little too late,

too late to save us now.

I need to find something,

to save me somehow.

So if this is it,

what I'm destined to be.

I will always wonder,

what is wrong with me.

Too discouraged to try,

to talk to you again.

And I haven't been happy

Since God knows when.

Too desperate for words,

to help me explain.

Too pride filled,

To admit I'm going insane.

 

Rain

Have you ever just listened to the rain

Heard each drop as it fell to the ground

Have you ever listened to the symphony

Stop to hear each individual sound

Just watch as the world transforms

Gray clouds take over the blue sky

They save us from the blistering heat

As they bless us with the tears they cry

Have you ever just watched

As the sky came crashing to the ground

Cleansing our dirty souls

Within the rain is so much peace to be found

Have you ever tasted the rain on your lips

Felt it kiss your skin

Closed your eyes and just feel

As it washes away all sin

Addiction

Chemicals in my brain

Playing with my head

I can live without this drug

But I'd rather be dead

I can taste it in my sweetest dreams

I need it in my worst nightmare

And I have a lifetime of stories

Told by the scars that I bear

It calls to me

In the middle of the night

It whispers beautiful things in my ear

It promises that everything will be alright

A toxin so deadly

Yet as sweet as they come

I swear it's taking control of me

As I'm coming undone

It feels like I'm drowning

Inside of my head

It feels like I'm dying

But really enough said

Because it knows my name now

So there is no running away

My baby is here forever

My baby is here to stay

Chemicals in my brain

Fucking with my head

I can't live without this high

I'd rather be dead.

A Little Insight

It has finally come

The time to say goodbye

Let remorse taint the tears

That fall as I cry

Leaving certain failure

In favour of what can only be dreams

Because my entire life

Is based on pain it seems

Walking away from easy pleasure

The only happiness my heart knows

But my intent is rooted evil

As far as evil goes

So brave the new waters

Cold and shallow as my soul

I will break this curse

Even if my addictions swallow me whole

A Poison So Sweet

The venom seeps in my blood

A poison so sweet

My breathing gets faster

My heart starts to beat

A feeling so beautiful

Pulsating in my head

I never want to lose this high

The idea fills me with dread

My body tingles

My head spins

Drugs in my body

My addiction begins

My drug of choice

My beloved E

A poison so sweet

Is taking over me

I love this drug

I need it to survive

I take another hit

Just to stay alive

Anti-Christ

Temptation is my biggest enemy

It's doesn't let go once it takes hold

Can your soul be bought back

Once it is sold?

God is all forgiving

Or so I've been told

But how can I respect a God

If I am made in his mold?

Because I am a monster

My heart is so cold

Tell me where to search for beauty

I long for it everyday

Tell me what is the meaning of my life

If not one person will stay?

It's a series of disappointments

Like heart ache on display

Dead emotions on trial

What once was turned to decay

I just stand here waiting

To be taken away

Who needs to believe in heaven

When humanity is living breathing hell

Sexuality is the best currency

And whores always kiss and tell

So tell me where is God

When all I see is pain

And where is the light

When I feel insane

Maybe one day I'll believe

When it's in front of my eyes

God isn't fucking real,

There, try that on for size.

Bi Polar

I feel too deeply or not enough

There is no in between

I am the same, yet so different

Another bipolar teen

Because I don't know If I hate you

More than I care

I don't know if I love you

My heart is so unaware

You run through my mind

A million and one times a day

I love you, I hate you

I just wish one feeling would stay 

Changing of the Seasons

The last of the green leaves

Will tumble and fall away

Browning with the change of the seasons

It get colder everyday

The months pass

Altar, disintegrate into me

Like memories come to fade

Like regrets come to be

You blow away with the wind

Vanish into the night

Transparent as glass

Yet you still eclipse the sunlight

You are my summer

You are my fall

You are my winter

You are the beauty of it all

Watching time slip away

I wonder if this was a mistake

Loneliness creeping into my bones

Its almost too much to take

Like a meadow frosting in the cold

The flowers have wilted away

Leaving no traces of beauty

On this forsaken day

I relive the past

Every time I'm alone in my head

Why must everything change?

A love so alive now remains dead

You were my summer

You were my fall

You were my winter

But now, I don't recognize you at all

Chemical Wasteland

My mind is breaking

It's a psychological warfare

My sanity is fragile

So handle with care

My hands are shaking

As panic crawls under my skin

What is right and what is wrong?

What is truth and what is sin?

Chemical wasteland

My decisions got me here

I was so reckless

Addictions over powering my fear

My logic is disintegrating

My will is dying

I have mourned the loss of my innocence

I stayed up all night crying

On the brink of losing my mind

The end is so near

So close to the edge

I shed a silent tear

Desperation dominates

Fills every inch of my soul

And I am forever broken

Something that is shattered can never be whole

Chew Me Up

Smile that smile

Your so fake

And to be clear

This was never your decision to take

So never mind the fairy tales

Fuck the happy end

Don't ever mistake this

Your not what I call a friend

Chew me up

Spit me out

But don't ever pretend

To know what I am about

Can you feel the venom

As I spit these words of hate

Smiling through clenched teeth

My life was never yours to dictate

Circles

Walking on broken glass

Cutting deep into my skin

It feels good to feel something

There is no end once you begin

I have longed for depth

In these useless years

I have searched for meaning

Behind your crimson tears

Do we become who we are

Or are we who we become?

Can these undying scars

Truly be undone?

No means of escape

I'm a prisoner inside my own head

My thoughts dance in circles

As I lie awake in bed

How did I get here?

This insomnia is eating me inside out

What's the point of this madness?

Would someone please tell me what life is truly about?

They say it's about interpretation

They say it's about love

They say that it's beautiful

And praise the lord above

But still tears are brought to my eyes

I don't have the will to believe

Still I am brought to my knees

I just can't seem to breathe

Sin

I have forfeited caring,

Abandoned trust,

Forsaken love,

And embraced lust.

I have given up hope,

Let go of dreams,

Close my mouth,

So no one hears the screams.

I have chosen chaos,

Inclined to hate,

I am not a monster,

Yet beastly is my fate.

I have broken down,

Admitted I can't win,

Turned my back on life,

Indulged in sin.

Closure

I just wanted to say thank you

For making it that much easier to forget

It's crazy how you infuriate me

How I wish we never met

So thank you for the closure

Now I know your not the one

Thanks for wasting my time

Because baby I'm done

I thought I needed your love

But I never needed the pain

I dare you to go ahead and leave

Play your little game

But don't turn back around

If you expect to see me cry

Just keep on walking

Because this is goodbye

You play with my emotions

Well guess what, you will never win

Because a broken heart is a tragedy

And a lie is a sin

 

Dead Silence

Mile upon mile

Of chaos in my head

A thousand words are left in ruins

So many things I never said

I find myself down this road

One that bears no return

Eternal shadows blocking the sun

As all my dreams they burn

Fire streaks across the sky

The night haunted by blood red

Because my beliefs lay dying

How I screamed as they bled

Turn myself into nothing

Because I cant harvest the disaster

It started slowly at first

Each lie making it faster

I need to clear my conscience

But to who could I possibly confess

That I am fading

That I am a mess

I try to scream through my writing

But no one ever hears

And I've got no patience

For dead silent tears

 

 

Reality

You make the loveliest memory

Like art on a shelf

The key of your beauty

Is locked inside myself

Because everyone can look at you

But no one see's you as I

You are the icon of salvation

You are my happiness run dry

My heart is forever faithful to you

Whether I wish it or not

My love and my adoration

Is all that I've got

You make the most disappointing memory

The ache is still so real

There is no mistaking

The pain that I feel

I would take you back

In less than a blink

My love for you runs deep

So much deeper than you think

 

 

 

 

Make Believe

Take me to the atmosphere,

Into never ending space,

Lets make believe,

Lets leave this saddened place.

Come with me to forever,

Into forsaken land,

Because in a life of misery,

Morals never stand.

Leave fears behind,

Baby swallow your pride,

Because my heart beats for you,

My feelings never have lied.

Restless night spent spinning circles,

Circles inside my head,

And I don't want to have expectations,

Because chivalry is dead.

Something about the way you smile,

Emotions don't deceive

So come with me into eternity

Lets just make believe

5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Waiting

What are you waiting for

Take my life away

Why am I still fighting

If nothing can change yesterday

I can't hide the anger anymore

It's all that I feel

Anger towards myself

Towards emotional scars that will never heal

I hide inside myself

So no one will ever see

That behind these green eyes

There is a demon within me

How can anyone understand

When I'm too terrified to explain

That I think I'm going crazy

I think I'm already insane

If I let you know me

You would just walk away

Because I don't know the words

To get you to stay

And how can I pretend any longer

How can I hide in my head

You don't know how it kills me

To remember the things that you said

Fuck you, your haunting

Your memory won't leave me alone

For one moment of peace

I would give up everything I own

Because I long for something

That I know isn't real

But no matter how many times I try

I can't stop how I feel

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contradictory

Why does it always seem

I only feel good when I feel bad

I'm only happy in despair

I'm only focused when I'm mad

I feel like I'm insane

A couple lose screws in my head

I fight so hard to stay alive

But I dream of being dead

Normal will always be boring to me

I strive on the pain

I would rather be different

Then exactly the same

I think it's the best way

To always expect the worst

So when devastation strikes

You were expecting it first

No hope is better than the false kind

Because hope is just another lie

I am not here to conform

I live to defy

So call me a freak

It suits me just fine

But don't you dare pity me

Because these tragedy's are all mine

I must admit that I'm tired of bleeding

I'm losing all my fight

But I won't admit to being wrong

When I know that I'm right

I'm right to be angry

I'm right to feel betrayed

You promised to never leave

But your honesty never stayed

I don't consider lying to be a value

Yet that never stopped you

So where do the lies begin

How much of what you said was true

Why am I the only one fighting

Waging a war against myself

I'm sorry I have to give you up

But this addiction really isn't good for my health

 

 

 

 

 

6

Darkness

Eyes that mirror my own

Hold me in thy seductive gaze

For I am forever infatuated

By the intrigue of sinful ways

The sun in all it's divinity

It too shall fall from the skies

May you chose to capture the still of darkness

In the twinkle of thy eyes

Similar yet to radiant beauty

Such as the calm of night

Your dark temptation lures me

Like a moth to the light

Thus insanity must be pursued

For even angels hold no doubt

Peace eternally shall depend on chaos

When hate is what life is about

Guide me to thy darkest embrace

Such lips I have never before tasted

Suspense becomes intolerable

For fear of your beauty being wasted

Thy eye's pierce my soul

For I see the black behind the subtle green

A lust favourable to my own

I have never before seen

 

Stranger To Love

Your not real

It's all make believe

Your not real

I shall not grieve

Assumptions lead to disappointment

Your like a voice in my head

You are make believe

What you stand for to me is dead

Stop fucking with me

I know your not real

Stop messing with me

Stop making me feel

Like it's the end of the world

Every time someone walks away

You are make believe

Truth is, people leave everyday

So just fucking go

Look around, look above

I was so much better off

When I was a stranger to love

 

Who I am

The sun sets

As this day draws to an end

The darkness falls

And who am I to pretend

This is who I am

Your tears fall around me

But I simply can't change

Tell me who do you want me to be?

I'm sorry I disappoint

I'm sorry I'm a shame

I'm sorry I cant seem to clean up

I'm sorry I disgraced our name

I know that you tried so hard

To raise me up right

I'm sorry that my hands are around your neck

Gripping so tight

I wish I could stop

But I only know how to go

I'm sorry I'm a druggy

I'm sorry I'm a hoe

This will be the end of me

I simply cant heal

So tell me that if I die

Its no big deal

Tell me that its too late

Give me my final reason to die

I'm tired of this fucking shame

I'm tired of the tears you cry

 

Last Testament

In today's misery you want to scream

In yesterday's embrace you lose yourself

Hang up your disappointments by the door

As you stack your grudges on the shelf

There is so much undirected hatred

Spewing from the words you say

Your anger becomes the one thing

The only thing in your way

I must apologize if it seems I'm unaffected

By words meant to cut like a knife

But I wont let indecencies become me

I won't let hurtful things become my life

I know that you want me to suffer

The thought alone is enough to make it so

My intentions never included this

I just needed you to know

 

7

Don't You Dare Forgive Me

 

Inside of me I see a darkness

That lies so profoundly

There is no place in my mind

Where my sanity rests safe and soundly

Blacker than the night sky

Without all the stars

More painful than being cut

And as ever lasting as the scars

My world comes crashing down

Just a little bit at a time

For I am forever incriminated

Given the nature of my crime

Your blood is on my hands

A crimson red stain

Why does everything change

If all I ever wanted was for it to stay the same

I won't lie and say I don't hate myself

I have learned that honesty is key

But if I cannot forgive myself

How could you ever forgive me

Those who I have burdened

Placed a weight on your heart

I wish I knew how to keep it together

But instead I just fell apart

I am not deserving of your kindness

When all I've ever caused is pain

I don't understand your attraction

Because my love is for the insane

I'm sorry for the past weeks

I'm sorry if you felt like I didn't care

This time will be different

This time I'll change I swear

How can you understand me

When it's all so confusing

This is a fight between heart and mind

My mind is losing

Don't you dare forgive me

For hurting you this way

Don't ever forget my sins

But I'm begging you to stay

I'm terrified of myself

Of the horrible things that I've done

Save me from this darkness

Because you are the only one

 

 

 

Family is Forever

Show me who you are

Let me into your head

There is reason behind it all

Why I held on to every word you said

In desperation im begging you

Show me your heart

All too quickly

Our world falls apart

I have disappointed you so many times before

I have disgraced our name

Do you forgive me

For this uneasy shame

Tell me about your life

About why you live the way you do

Tell me about your regrets, your mistakes

Tell me about what made you

I would kill for your attention

Die for your words

I know you have a story

Tell me why it remains unheard

I want to run to you


© Copyright 2017 MeaghanGarner. All rights reserved.

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