Not As Much As Yesterday

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a story everyone can relate to.

Submitted: March 11, 2008

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Submitted: March 11, 2008

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Not As Much As Yesterday

You hit rock bottom. It happens in a split second. You weren't expecting this. This feeling. This horrible fucking feeling that drags you down and deep. You can't breathe. Nothing feels right. Everything is wrong. Everything is upside down and twisted around. Everything is different, and you hate it. You hate it so fucking much, and no matter what you do or how hard you try it never goes away. The sun has set and you aren't free. Yourre a prisoner, drowning in your misery. You're broken. You're not prepared for this shock. Its like having ice-cold water thrown on you while you're sleeping; only now you really feel it. Its the feeling thats killing you. It sits in the pit of your stomach. It hurts to breathe, think, and move. It's an incurable feeling.

I pull up to your driveway. I don't want to get out of the car; you're drawing me into a trap. It's a departure, and I haven't got my seat belt on. Why must you kill me twice? Why have you brought me here? You've already broken me, what more do you want? I park the car. You usually come outside to meet me, but not this time. I've lost my title, and my benefits. I'm not worth as much as yesterday. It' hard to adapt, because I was too comfortable with what with who I was. It's like ripping off my covers on a cold winter's night. Why must you always deprive me from sleeping and dreaming? My legs shake. I don't want to get out of the car, but I do. I do it because I have to. It's starting to rain. The weather reflects my mood. The clouds are grey, the wind's speed has picked up enough to lift my heavy blonde waves of hair, and I can feel the drizzle of rain on the end of my nose. It's going home from the pool early because a storm is coming. The feeling of leaving something that was fun and good and something that you loved because something bad was coming your way. The raindrops fall heavier. I walk up to the little yellow house, which I've always loved. It stares me down. I'm intimidated and I don't belong here anymore. I pass by the tire swing you used to push me on. Yeah, you like pushing me away. It dangles in the wind and two leaves fall from the tree. Summer is ending, and so are we. The smaller leaf hits the ground first. Like the leaf, I'm falling down to a cold, dark, uncomfortable place. A place without you. I'm caught off guard and I see your face. I smile, and I hate that. I don't want to smile at you. I hate you, I really do. You're acting like nothing is different on the outside; I'm screaming I hate you on the inside. I can't be here, but I walk with you anyways. Your house is as it always is. It doesn't notice the change between us. Everything feels different. I'm trying to be strong, but when I look at your eyes, mine are wet. I don't want yours to see how much I hurt. It hurts. I can't say a word. I haven't got anything. Nothing. I'm holding everything in. I'm one step down from yesterday, and I really wish I'd run away. But my like my heart, my limbs are numb. They can't carry my dead weight. It feels like a thousand pounds and sorrow and hate. Knowing this kills me; I'll never mean as much as yesterday. This is how you break me. This is how you kill me. Why are you making smoothies? I don't want a fucking smoothie. I can't stomach this. I can't even breathe. The only thing I feel is the mess you've made in my stomach. I'm lacking oxygen. I'm lacking a heartbeat. I'm lacking all body sensations. I am numb. I drink the strawberry banana smoothie anyways. My stomach welcomes the cold drink and the numbing increases. The sorrow and hate increase too. You're talking and I'm not listening. I'm only thinking how stupid I am for showing up, but at the same time I cannot not be here. You cannot rip yourself away from me so fast. I know I should let go, but he's giving me signs that he doesn't want me to. How can we be friends after this? We sit on your balcony. Everything is so cute here. Except us, we're dead. We're rotting and smelling, nothing like we used to be. You're still talking. It doesn't matter what you say, I don't mean as much as yesterday. Is this our closure? Do you need this? Do I need this? Is he right? Who's right and who's wrong; all these questions, they don't belong. I'm keeping everything inside hidden away from you. I trap them all in my stomach, I'm about to explode, snap and burst into a thousand pieces. You're taking me to your bedroom. It is my favorite place. I hate your stupid garden snake, and the Pistons posters on your walls. To the left is a picture. It's you and me at Prom. I can't believe you're wearing lavender. See how pretty we were? We were. We're a past tense now. Now is never. Never is no more. I'm trying to get rid of you, and you haven't got a fucking clue. You didn't want this. You didn't want me to disappear. Well, dear, this is what you've done in here and I don't want you fucking near. Am I making myself clear? I kiss you and I don't know why. I'm programmed to do so when I see you staring up at me with that dark devil eye. You've got me under a spell, and it's impossible to hate you. Hating you is hell. I would love to hit you upside the head in hopes of bringing you back to reality. I keep kissing you. It's comfortable and it's familiar. The frozen rock in my stomach begins to warm. I can feel my limbs again. It feels good, but I know it's the last time I'll feel this. I just need one more kiss. So I keep kissing him. I'm scared of what happens when I stop. I can't ever stop. But I do. He looks at me, and for once I can feel everything he does. I feel sorrow. I feel pity. I feel regret. Regret for ever coming here. The kissing has stopped, and the cold feeling is back. It's only because I know that kiss doesn't mean as much as yesterday. It's our last kiss, and it means nothing. I stand up and walk away. Keep walking. As I get further and further away the coldness grows and grows. I've got to get used to it, because I'm going to stay far far far away from him. He calls my name. Megan. It's the last time I hear it. It sounds so far away and I'm glad. It doesn't sound familiar, like he's speaking an unknown language and I'm glad. He doesn't come after me and I'm glad. He knows he's no different. He knows I'm disappearing because it's the only thing I know how to do. He knows that he can't have what he wants, because I can't have what I want. He knows I'm leaving and never coming back. He knows I need the satisfaction of walking away and not looking back. He knows I want to forget everything we had. He knows he means everything and I'm throwing it all away. Yesterday is gone, and so are we.

______,

This is where I left off. I’m back to square one. And it’s so disappointing because I’ve made it so far. I paved a path that was thick of weeds, and I must admit, I’m a little scared of doing it again. Just promise me that you won’t stop. Just promise me that I’ll always mean more than yesterday. That everyday it will just keep getting better and better. I can’t believe I’m actually waiting for you, let alone thinking of you. But you’re comfortable and you put me in a warm place. It’s awkward, and lonely right now because you’re so far far far away. It’s not fair because I didn’t want you to be there. I want you here, not so far far far away….


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