Dating Horror!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
We have all been there, the dreaded first date!

Submitted: March 14, 2016

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Submitted: March 14, 2016



Dating……just the word alone is enough to instil fear amongst the most confident of folk. Be honest, dating has to be one of the most socially awkward minefields we could ever find ourselves in, and yet we do it, in the hope all the uncomfortable silences and misplaced handshakes will lead to ‘the one!

I have experienced some ok dates, but mainly absolutely disastrous ones. The kind of situations where one random night I will be lying in a bed and like a bolt out the blue the memory returns, the cringe worthy utterly soul destroying hide under your duvet forever kind of memory. Its as if my sub conscious has thought ah doesn’t she look peaceful there nodding off, let’s play a little game of remember that date!

There are various kinds of dates, each with their own set of unspoken rules that we all somehow are supposed to just know and adhere to.
  There is the blind date, which quite frankly I think is the single most stupid thing a person can agree too, say what you want but if you turn up to a date and in the first 3 seconds you greeted by Shrek’s older, hairier, less clean brother, your pretty much doomed.
 What on earth are you supposed to do? Go ahead with the date all the while frantically texting any friend to rescue you (and if your friends are anything like mine they find that kind of thing hilarious, you’re on your own), or make your excuse immediately and leave, potentially crushing the spirit of Shrek’s brother. It’s just so awkward.

Then, there is the first date with someone you already know. This can be a tricky one, you already have established your boundaries as friends or acquaintances, decided you like each other enough to go on a date, but how do you progress to that next step. You are fully aware if this doesn’t go well you have to see them again in your social circle and spend the entire night watering down your wine with ice so you don’t get ‘wine’ drunk and hoping to god you don’t fall over in the new shoes you bought especially.

Next is the dating website date (there goes my sub conscious, flooding me with those cringe worthy memories.)
 What can I say, I am sure for some certain individuals dating websites are a fantastic way to meet new people (in which I mean a great way for the people with no moral compass or self-respect to meet likeminded people for a ‘hook up’) I feel I am entitled to this opinion as I have experienced some of the most bizarre messages, and endured some of the worst dates from these websites.
Let’s face it, bar the few genuine people looking for love, those places are a breeding ground for the insane. I was lucky to find a guy that owned his own teeth never mind a house or a car or a steady job, and FYI to any men reading this that are thinking of joining such a site, No, women do not like to be woken up by a picture message of your nether regions…..I mean…really?!

If you do get to the point of meeting, you have usually exchanged messages beforehand and built up some sort of rapport, he seems charming and funny, and this could go well your thinking. And then, he turns up, hang on a minute, what happened to the guy I was messaging, where is he? Instead, you get nothing but grunts, awkward silences and the only time he speaks it’s about his ex, all you can think is get over it already I’m not surprised she left you if your this dull!


Then there is the taboo issue of payment, who pays on a date? Years ago the man would pay but now a lot women find that derogatory and patronising, we work hard we are equals, we can pay our half, in fact sod it, we are now such an independent confident species, we will even pay the whole bill and emasculate you in the process, because in 2016 and that’s just how we roll! Awkward right! And god forbid a man now pulls out a chair for you, cant he see those long things attached to your torso, that’s right Mr, we have arms and hands and everything!

I remember my grandparents telling me how they met at work, and my grandad pursued my grandma for months with notes on her desk, flowers, the lot until she agreed to a date, They began ‘courting’ and they would go dancing or to the movies,  or a picnic in the park. It sounded so simple, there was none of this he adds you on POF so you add him on Facebook so he can add you on Instagram and then you can tweet him your number so he can WhatsApp you and arrange a date. When did it become so god dam complicated?

And what happens if you meet, your date goes well and you like each other, then ensues this ridiculous game of who should message first. I hear the appropriate time to message after a date is 2 days, so 2 people, 2 grown consenting adults that feel they are mature enough to date, deliberately don’t contact the person they just spent an entire evening with for 48 hours, in case they know they like them. Please, someone explain this to me. How utterly ridiculous!
48 hours pass, and you get the anticipated message, ‘hey had a great time would love to do it again’. You’re made up, yes!! He likes you! So what do you do, you wait at least an hour to reply, he doesn’t need to know your that available does he! It is an absolute wonder to me that people ever get anywhere in relationships these days! I find it exhausting.

I currently am off the idea of dating, I gave it a bloody good go and got nothing but painful memories and a bruised ego, obviously I can only write from my experiences but I am sure there are plenty of men out there with horror stories of their own, women can be just as awful at dating!

So, if you are currently single and out there in the dating jungle, I wish you all the best, if you are in a couple contemplating re integrating into the dating jungle, well, do it with caution! Things are different these days, trust me!

For me. I am going to replace my date nights with a night in and a movie, a bottle of red that I don’t have to share, and slippers instead of those ridiculous shoes that make me walk like a new-born giraffe, and that is really really ok with me!

M x










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