Depressive Dreams

I need these words to connect on this paper,

Before I go batshit insane.

I want you to sit back and listen to me,

As I talk about these Depressive Dreams.

I got a lot of problems,

And a bullet might be able to solve them.

Some nights I can’t do anything but cry,

Lie to me please, one more time.

Tell me you love me when we both know I suck,

Luck has never been on my side,

I’d sooner die than tell you how I feel.

Watch my life playback on a film reel,

Steal my heart just to break it again.

You’re not even sad about what you do,

So I’ll drift off into a depressive daydream once again.

I seen that shadowy dude about a thousand times,

A pitch black humanoid demon, whose only job is to kill me.

I saw that thing crawl out of a shadow in the wall,

And shoot me dead in the middle of math class,

Alas it was just a dream, wasn’t rooted in reality.

I’ve been shot a thousand times in my head,

And I’ve seen people lay me to rest,

Arrest me and lock me in the psych ward,

That’s where I belong so I don’t hurt nobody.

Sometimes I wanna die in a car crash,

Just bust 100 miles and hit a lightpole.

Or crash right through the walls of a store,

And hope to die a relatively painless death.

Do I think about collateral? Yes and No.

I don’t wanna take anyone else out with me,

But sometimes suicidal rage gives me tendences,

To go and hurt someone else to alleviate my pain,

Drained of all morality all I wanna do is hurt something.

The other day I smashed up an old binder in blind rage,

Caged up inside are eighteen years worth of pain,

And when I finally let it loose God knows what form it takes.

I feel like I’m being driven insane,

My head is cloudy and foggy like someone hotboxed it.

My friends help me a lot, they really do,

And this is by no means a diss to you.

I love all of y’all with all my heart, I do,

But shit when I’m speaking here I’m just being real.

This isn’t meant to scare you or hurt you,

I just have a hard time expressing my feelings.

I’ve been wanting to cut so badly,

Feeling like I’m stuck in a rut.

I’m supposed to go see you in a few days,

But my family might just drive me insane.

Half the time I feel like I’m only a second away,

From a complete nervous breakdown,

Shakedowns gonna occur if I ever get pulled over,

I’ll felt up just cause of my skin color.

I’m not black, but I’m also not white.

My own family members think I’m a thug,

Just cause I listen to rap music,

And my pants don’t fit right,

What’s gives you the right to call me a thug?

If you want me to act like a thug, I can do.

Cuss your bitch ass out and fucking knock it out too.

I’m always oreny so don’t step to me,

Motherfucker I’ve nearly beat my own friends up.

I’m angry but sad at the same time,

Rhymes are flowing just as the tears are,

Running like waterfalls down my face,

I hope you read this and are able to relate.

This writing shit is all that I have left,

My blood, sweat and tears are all on this shit.

I’ve been stripped of my voice for so long,

Last year I said enough was enough,

And any motherfucker who pissed me off,

Is gonna hear me scream like a banshee.

Cause fuck being silent, like I’m gonna take shit,

Lying down face first and being fucked in the asshole.

I especially had enough with a racist fuck.

Matter of fact, let’s talk about that.

To the racist fucker who gave me trouble,

Even a year of not speaking doesn’t make me like you.

I hate you with every pore in my body,

I want you to die so badly, it hurts me.

You told me you treated me like shit cause I’m black?

Maybe I should’ve applied pressure to your neck,

Until your heart stopped.

And I know the type of things you say under your breath,

You walked by a table of black people,

And muttered “FUCKING NIGGERS.”

And to the friends of mine that talk to him still,

You just love to piss me off, don’t you?

I don’t believe racists can change their ways,

I’ll see that fucker at the reunion in klan robes,

We live in the United States of AmeriKKKa,

I know that and you all fucking know that.

I got off track here, but the point is this,

I was driven so mad I dreamt about killing you and then myself.

Cause even when I’m fucking enraged and getting violent,

Half of that violence is directed at myself,

Cause I’m always dreaming these depressive dreams.

I’m always sad much like the wonder years,

Ears are wide open to their newest album.

That shit resonates with me so deeply,

I have it on constant repeat so I don’t cry,

Lie to me again and tell me I’m worth something,

It helps ease the pain even though the truth is know.

My blood spills all over these pages,

I put so much work into this I just want people to like me.

I feel as though I am unloved and unwanted,

And maybe that explains these depressive dreams.

Job market is as dry as the west coast,

Most people that I know have some work.

I’ve spent a long time trying to find one,

But it’s as elusive as Waldo and Carmen Sandiego combined.

Half the time this is shit that bothers me most,

I even have a cut from when a ginger fuck said some shit to me at the wrong time,

So if you ever wonder about the scar on my right arm,

That fucker is the one who pushed me over the edge.

I don’t speak to him no more and I like it,

I knew him for thirteen years but he wrecked our friendship.

After high school I cut other the cancer in my life,

And he was like a tumor in my FUCKING HEART.

Art is my escape but I wish I got paid for it,

I still want a normal part time job though.

I’ve only got about sixteen to my name,

And I always said some days if I can’t find work,

I’d just take a knife and have a field day on my throat.

Cause that’s the shit that’s always going through my mind,

As I keep dreaming, my depressive dreams.

I don’t want your sympathy, that’s not what I want,

You can be sorry for me if you want,

But I don’t need it.

I just want you to know who I really am,

Behind the screen name,

Renamed myself Melancholic Wisdom online,

But offline my name is Nik,

And I’m fucked up in mind, body and soul.

I want you to see what’s going on with me,

And know the person behind the screen name.

You heard me speak on the Ballad,

And now I’m back again.

Just like herpes you cannot get rid of me.

I’m always there in the background,

I might not say much but when I say a little I say a lot.

So if you do not like me, FUCK you.

I don’t give a shit if you hate,

Rate me on a scale of one out of ten,

I don’t care cause you’re just a DISEASE that needs to be TERMINATED.

We’ve reached the end of this now,

Cause I’ve told all I want to tell,

But if you wanna consider this a sequel to the Ballad,

It’s whatever cause I kinda do too.

This is another installment in the ongoing struggle that is my life,

Last time you got your intimate look into my world,

And this time I’ve introduced you,

To the Depressive Dreams of Melancholic Wisdom.