This is not how I wanted my story to end, but there is no other way to make myself stop feeling this way. I didn’t used to be sad. I have been trying for what seems like the longest time to get things back to the way they were, but I know if that will never happen. I can’t change the past and I can’t change anyone’s mind. Sometimes things happen for no reason, which I guess I kind of accept now, but I have never understood. And I never will. I’ve had some issues with myself, and I thought they were getting better. But sometimes I just feel so alone even though I’m not. I could be with a group of people and still feel like no one was there. Everyone always says that they’re there for you when you need someone to talk to, and sometimes they are, just never when you actually need them. People have their own problems and I don’t ever want to burden them with the dark things that they would otherwise never even dream of feeling. I could never face someone after confiding in them. I felt like they were going to treat me differently or tell someone.
There has only ever been one person that I’ve told everything to. No one else knows me like he does. But when he finally gave up on me, my life became one big “I don’t know.” I didn’t have anyone to make me feel better anymore. I lost my reason to care about myself. He left me completely alone. I started taking everything out on myself again. And I don’t think he knows, or will ever know, that he was the only thing keeping me here. On the rare occasions where I do get to see him, I put on my smile and push back the tears and hope that no one can see the pain behind my dead eyes. I wish I could share or be apart of the happiness that he now has, but I ruined that chance. Sometimes I wonder if I was too crazy for him? Because I still cannot seem to grasp the concept that I was bad for him. I never will be able to open up to anyone again because he took everything I had to tell. I wait for the day that I hear from him, but at the same time I dread it because I know it will be the day where I will not be able to bare this hollowed out world anymore.
When I say no one else knows the pain I feel, it is not an exaggeration. He doesn’t even know the extent that it has reached. I’ve tried to tell two others and they made a joke of it and shook it off. No one else understands and I don’t think I’ll ever find someone else who does. I’m not proud of where I’m going right now. I can see my life spiraling out of control and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t think it can stop. My life has become so empty, yet so full. Full of pressure and loneliness and sadness. An unbearable sadness that never goes away, though sometimes it subsides, its always there lingering in the back of my mind, reminding me that things aren’t getting better. The worst part of it all is that I know that it’s not getting better. I can feel it getting worse. Everyday I wake up and am disappointed in myself and everything around me.
I just think things would be so much better if I weren’t so alone.
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