Nothing ever changes...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just letting off some steam. Bad mood...

Submitted: July 31, 2012

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Submitted: July 31, 2012

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For the past few weeks, I've been holding alot in. I've been staying with my (ex) girlfriend emily. Idk if she still considers me as hers or not, i'm not sure if she wants a relationship or anything like that. Since she's said before that she doesn't like the idea of "relationships" I know she hasn't changed at all... I know it. I KNOW she hasn't changed.She still has the same look in her eyes as when we were arguing with her closedmind,it doesn't feel rightbeing around her sometimes, she doesn't feel right beside me...

I was at her house. for a few weeks, since we hadn't seen eachother in quite sometime.It's summer break for her... I hate being there. No privacy, christian music all the time..people alwaysyelling, bitching, worrying...I get you want to be religious, Just don't preach to me while your house is a mess and you still go fucking crazy unless you have your placebo's. Emily's moms boyfriend drives me up the goddamn wall. I kind of liked him but i tell you, That changed this week. I can't listen to anything but christian music because "The inner messageputs people in a bad mood" Unlike whiny christian music. Makes perfect sense.

I woke up to thing's I hate, and went to sleep to things i hate. Simply because I wanted to see emily. I didn't lose my temper. Till emily's moms boyfriend decided to keep pushing his words on me. It's all he does, gets in everyones faces. He thinks he knows everything, and he acts like noone can do anything but him.

We were working on the house at around 5 am till later on in the day, He switched the radio to the christian station and blasted it after i said I found it to be irritating.. I kind of just passed it off, Went inside a little pissed off that he'd turn it up after i said that. I got a smoke and walked about a block, Till i couldnt hear the blasting music. Just sat on the grass with the smoke till a train came by, then walked back and sat on the grass across the street of where they were taking apart the boards.

I was just sitting thinking to myself, watching emily, her brother, and her moms boyfriend all just walk around the yard... I go to thinking you know... Emily isn't opposed to that music, most likely... She said she changed but I know she didn't. I know she still wants to listen to things about god and religion and whatever else... That always leads to her being so closed off to everything else, that she eventually always says she doesnt need me or anyone cause all she needs is religion.

I was getting down even more, cause it's just... frustrating... She gets along with her moms boyfriend when he says or does things that irritate me. Why? Maybe she's just really oblivious and doesn't know thing's bother me that much.

But at the same time, I think she might just be ignorant and selfish... She knows, she asks for what people think simply to be able to say she asked, she doesnt listen. Not when it comes to herself, or anything she thinks is right.

Anyways, I just wanted to leave... I want her to have what she wants. I want to let her have her reigious stuff if she really believes it'll help her, But I can't be a art of it, When we can't even talk to eachother properly because of it.

I got up to leave and her moms boyfriend was asking me if i wanted something? I just wanted to be comletely alone. I can't talk to people when i'm like that, because I don't want things to spill out to people who don't listen...

He screamed out, over the radioFINE, YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THAT PACK UP YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE

Precisely what i got up to do in the first place... I went inside and packed my stuff. Then he came in and sat beside me as i was finishing up, He started droning on about his music and why i don't like it. I just wanted to leave and i don't know... At the time I didn't really care if i went back or not, I'm still not sure i care if i go back there or not, even now that I'm home.

I got up while he was talking, (he usually doesn't stop talking till you say something he wants to hear) I walked past him, he was sitting in the door, and i accidentally brushed his arm with my leg His coffee spilt a little on the floor, he got up quickly, and ran to the door around the other side of the kitchen, and stood in front of me. He said "I don't get why you don't want to listen to me talk, i just want to explain everything to you cause I think you should learn a thing or two. But you don't have to listen to everything I'll just tell you a little while you clean up your mess" I whispered "It's just a bit of coffee.. I just want to go" He stood there and said "Listen kid. In my house, You clean up your mess" I thought to myself, It's not my fucking fault you were sitting on the floor in the middle of the doorframe. You don't need to be in my face to talk to me. You spilled your coffee, I just want to leave, It's all i wanted in the first place...

"Please just let me go." He replied "You're not fucking going anywhere, till you clean up what you did. You need to learn some fucking respect." I put my bag on the small table beside the door cause my back was sore as it was, He moved away from the door for a second so I went for the door handle and picked up my bag quickly, He shot back, Grabbed my hand, threw my bag on the floor and pushed me into the bikes leaned on the table by the door.

I got back up really quick cause the last time I fell like that with someone upset with me i got kicked in the head. When i got up I was pissed. What the fuck did i do to deserve that? You feel offended? Well, You're 41 fucking years old. You're a christian who constantly says how people should be nice, and patient. and fucking... happy to put up with shit even though it's dumb sometimes.

Well, I put up with being pushed around for those weeks, and when i had enough of that shit being pushed down my throat i was just going to turn away from the situation. And that's what happens? I don't have any respect for him anymore. It was little before, as i've seen how he pushes things on people, but before, I just seen it as him like, a stupid child trying to help.

When I got up off the floor, fuming, I got in his face and snarled "Just let me fucking leave" he got back in my face, as i was in his, and said "KID. YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE. YOU DON'T ACT LIKE THAT" it's not his house. It's emily's moms. Technically her dad's cause the deed is under his name, But he doesn't live in canada anymore.

I backed off, picked up my bag, then just stood there looking at the rug, I didn't want to look at his eyes cause It drives me crazy, the way people look... For some reason eyes resonate with me in a big way, I always remember the look in the eyes of someone...

I hate it, and i hate thinking about it. I don't want a picture to go with the thought of fighting with someone that I might have to be around for a long time...

After a short while of silence, him just staring at me, while I was staring at the ground. I looked up and reached for the door handle again hoping he would just leave it. He got really startled and reacted really unexepectedly, He grabbed my shirt and threw me into the wall! my bag fell off my one arm onto the floor.

His hand was on my head, my first reaction was to get his hand offmy face so i moved backwardsHe panicked and grabbed my throat, turned me around, and next thing I knew my feet were off the ground and i was holding my breathe with his hand on my throat, Pushing me into the wall. I nearly passed out, I reached up and grabbed something off the shelf nearby and threw it as i was choking out words "Fucking stop" I hit his head he let go and punched me in the head back, then continued to choke me I was just knocking things over Then emily yelled "JASON STOP"from the other room "JASON STOP" I couldn't tell where she was, I couldnt see since i couldnt move. She came around the corner and jason let go, he was still holding me though. Emily was crying and yelling for him to stop. Then her mom came in and he backed off, back to the door. And started ranting That i needed to "learn some respect" I was in a rush, My throat felt tight and the room was dizzy since i couldnt breathe.I don't remember what he was yelling, But i rememberbarking back at him "YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GET IN MY FUCKING FACE. YOU ALSO DIDN'T NEED TO FUCKING CHOKE ME OR HIT MY FUCKING HEAD AND ACT LIKE A DUMB SHIT I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE" he came back with trying to explain to them "I didn't choke her, Or hit her. My hand was out and she was just there. She spilt my coffee, All i wanted was for her to go clean her own mess." I snarled again "It's not my fault you fucking sat on the floor trying to block me from walking away. I just wanted to leave. But like the little dick you are you sat there. In front of me." He said once again "Kid. just leave. Fucking leave. You're not welcome back here either." He picked up my bag, and thrusted it into my chest. Pissed as i was I put it firmly back down on the table and said "You wanted to fucking talk, I'm not leaving. Fucking talk." He grabbed my bag and hurled it out the door, across the yard. And said Get out GET THE FUCK OUT And grabbed me opted to throw me out the door, Emilys mom said JASON. STOP. You can't just put your hands on her like that. You can't do that to people. He said "Well, she wouldn't talk to me before." She replied, "You can't make people do something they don't want to do, You can't change people. That's forcing your will on others." They started arguing, then He said, fine. It's her or me, if you wanna take her side then im gone. He stormed out the door, then emilys mom quickly got my stuff and brought it in, then locked the door and shut off the lights. Me and emily sat in the room, emily was crying and hugging me "I'm sorry that happened, I'm so sorry..." I could hear jason outside moving things around. A few minutes later he came inside and went in the other room arguing with emilys mom that he wanted to call the cops before I did, so they could take me away, and not him.

He called, I could hear him arguing over the phone "I did lay hands on her. But not the way that it sounds. My hand was out. and next thing i knew her neck was there. I didnt physically do anything, she just walked into me." The cops didn't come. They told him he should just go cool off.

He did aologize. sometime later. Still bothers me though, Not that it happened but because of how he denies how it happened.

I have a cut on my neck, not too bad. But i'm reminded that it's better being here... In this empty home. Than there, where there is no privacy or respect. It's hot, quiet. And there's usually nothing to eat.

Emily is here. And i'm happy she came... At the same time I'm wondering if it was a bad idea? I want more than anything to make her happy... But I can't help but wonder what she really wants... Just because I don't like the lack of privacy doesn't mean she doesn't. Maybe she's used to it. Maybe she likes being around people who act like that because it gives her some sense of comfort or... something... I don't know. Everyone's different. And i can honestly say, I don't feel like i know her too well anymore in terms of what she wants.

I don't know what she wants, because I knew what she wanted when she didn't ask for religion, and when she did...

I don't know if she still wants that stuff.. Because well, If she does... I know what follows with it and, It always ends bad. I feel like, people don't change... It's one of those times, I feel like I don't have hope for humanity. It's like.. everyone can go fuck themselves. I'm so tempted to just go pounce on her and snuggle up and just... I just wish someone would hug me till all the feelings and doubt in m head was gone but... That won't happen until i let something go... Either i let go of emily, and possibly end up hurting myself or, I let go of trying to understand her, trying to avoid things she dislikes and just move on believing in only myself And leaving the rest.. since when i dont try for her, The rest of the things around me cave in.

I gave everything up for her... I just wanted to care for her, because I seen how lonely she was.. I just wanted to give her a friend. We were so close, so close until I was taken away. When i came back nothing was the same. She slowly went further and further into religion then said she stopped wanting me all together. I cried and cried cause that was my best friend, perhaps my only friend. My girlfriend, my love. The one who made me bubbly and the person i cuddled up beside when things where cold and everything felt like it was dying. The person I held till she stopped crying, I wiped her tears when she found people lying... She held me when she was scared and felt like she should stop trying, all the while I stood tall because I knew I had someone who appreciated me trying, I didn't care that my family was gone, I didn't care that friends were dead and I didn't care about the rotten past. All i felt was that things were going to be alright because I could fall back into that gaze in her eyes, while she was smiling...

That's gone... I wish i could just go there and plead for her to be that way again, I wish i could just go over there and be the way we used to be. I don't things can be the same... I want more than anything just to be able to talk like we used to, for hours on end.. No arguing or hateful crying.. Just us talking. Sharing. Opening our hearts. Now she doesn't want to, because she just wants god... Or does she? She said she doesn't believe that anymore. But to me... I really think that people who go to religion are there because the thing they had failed them and they need more... And from there they can't change because thy have what they want, a place to confide... A place to be blind, a place to hide...

I don't think, i can ever be enough for her. Why would I when she believed in fairytales and books from men who died long ago... Script that changes when science does, It can never fail because it's whatever you want it to be... I can't match that, I would do anything to the extent I could if you asked, But I won't sell myself to a set of rules that say I'l be happy as long as i follow them to the T... When the books they're from are full of hypocrisy... If she wants to believe in that, I want her to if it makes her happy... I love her, And i've seen how it makes her crazy, she gets stuck in a loop repeating herself... She gets a cold look in her eye, and refuses to talk about anything other than god... Because "God, is everything."

I'm sorry but, I just want to hug you. Not because I feel sorry for you, or because of some stupid reason, It's because I love you, I've seen your heart, How sweet you can be... I know the things you've been through because i've been through the same. My dad left, My mom was gone all the time, drugs, alcohol... I know what it's like to be the odd one out, granted, I did it by choice... I still felt alone though. I COULD have gone to the people who rejected you, people who judge... I didn't like them. I don't see glamor in having many people pretend to like you, just for the sake of saying you have friends. I seen them as shallow. They all spoke behind eachothers backs. I seen that. I know you didn't like them either, though you were alone. And perhaps you wouldn't have befriended them either had you the choice. Just don't hold it against me, thinking I should stop saying how i wasn't alone like you, Just because i had the choice. I didn't get bullied, for my looks. I stood up for people who got bullied, because they were always alone like me. I didn't give half a shit that the supposed "cool" kids wanted me in their stupid little clique of idiots who went around alienating people.

All my life the good people were the people everyone else claimed to be bad. The foster homes beat me. While the burly bikers with shitty homes who sworeevery other sentencealways took me in. Always loved me and always gave people mutual respect.

I think I must be getting dumber. I can't even remember the names of anyone. I hardly remember the name of my dads old best friend, who always had me around... I remember his house. His dog. I remember the broken hippy beads on his door. And i remember the day he died. But I can't remember his name anymore. Memories used to be fresh, like they happened just yesterday, like a video that i could just turn on and off... I can't see them anymore. I don't even remember thing's from when i was younger... I uess it shouldn't matter. As everyone keeps telling me, That was the past.. Well.. To me, It mattered. Because those were the times i wasnt afraid to live. I wasn't afraid to come out and say what was on my mind.

Emily is sleeping on the couch. I'm on the laptop in the kitchen. The cat's on my lap. and the only thing i can hear is the sink dripping, and the fan spinning... I'm not sure what to do. I'm a bit calmer. But i keep going back to the same thoughts. Emily was on the laptop, She left her youtube account open I didn't realise it was still open and i clicked recommended videoes, it was a bunch of christian stuff.. She added music to her music playlist, I clicked it cause I wanted to know if she had anything to listen to, But all she added was christian stuff. Along with some youtube conspiracy theories abiuot aliens and demons and what not... That's a clear sign she's not off it right... Fuck.

There's a reason I don't want to be around her if she wants to have that stuff around her. She can have it I just don't want to be with her then, I can't stan how crazy it makes her act. Ho closed she is to the workd and just... She acts really ignorant when it comes to that stuff... We can't talk when she gets into it, or thinks about it. I somewhat knew all along she didn't change, even though she said she did...

It bothers the crap out of me. I don't even want to listen to music around her because it just seems like she'll think to herself how much she wants to listen to emotional christian boys singing about being saved from life. I get nervous letting her take my ipod while i'm with her because it seems like she'd just put it to the christian music channel and get in that mood where she just wants to go somewhere and pray and hope to be off this fucking planet

I... I don't know... Maybe I should tell her to go home... I kind of want to because it's just.. I don't want her to lie to me, If she wants that then she can have it, I know she wants me because I see it in her eyes still alot, But the religious loop is bound to come back sometime... If I just let her go, that wouldnt help either right? I would just be letting her down... She went into religion for a place to be safe, Abandoning her isn't going to make her stop. Pretending I don't kow she still likes it isn't going to help either... Is it? I've tried coming straight out and saying it, but that made her think about christianity and she went into the loop again.. It always does.. That or sh just gets really frustrated and says it doesn't matter what i think. Well, If it doesn't matter what i think then she shpuld just go with religion, because without communication there isn't much left we can do...

I don't know what to do... Right now.. I just... Fee like shit. I don't want to see her brwsing history so, I'm going to delete it... Then shower... Then maybe go for a walk I'm a bit scared to leave without her, I don't want her on the computer or listening to that stuff hile she's here, or talking to me... I love her so much just... I really want this week to work, at least just this week... All the arguements started are over god, since she thought/thinks god is everything, there's no.. otherside. theres no conversation, just a permanent "no. it's god. God did it, he does it, he prevents the devil from doing it, and he saves us. He's here every day. and everything's his." Thats it.

Everything? That's the answer to everything. When she gets in that mood...

I can't get it off my mind... Music used to help, I can't listen to music cause I don't want her to think about christian radio, Games also would help, But i have a ban for 5 days on xbox. I was swearing and a few guys reported me. They were being assholes! Guys are like that alot though on xbox, just because someone's a girl. They freak out on you and call you names and just.. ugh. I kicked their asses in game though. I didn't report them back because alot of people are like that on xbox, I don't see the point in me reporting every single person who acted like that towards me... It seems strange that I'd say games help, Even though i get picked on just for being a chick, But that's what a mute button's for. As well, I'm better than nearly everyone i meet on my game. So being ganged up on isn't a big problem...

I miss hanging out on xbox with the best guy ever, matt. He's so nice, and funny. A bit oblivious sometimes, But i think it's pretty fucking hilarious~ I don't mind failing with him, because it looks funny with his squirellyness... We still do kick a considerable amount of ass though.

I guess... Regardless of what emily decides... or what happens this week.. I'll still have my xbox family. I should... Mkae the best of this week, because If i keep my head up chances are it'll go better with emily, If she still doesn't turn around to me keeping my head up then maybe it's best she leave anyway! And at the end of it all at least I'll have had that experience. I have something to look forward to, Hanging out with my gaming community! Where failing isn't losing it's losing by killing yourself? I feel better. Because I just remembered I have the best friend ever. Matt.


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