An Evil Soliloquy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
An evil mastermind makes his victim understand his reasoning behind his murder.

Submitted: August 31, 2013

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Submitted: August 31, 2013

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There’s something I need you to understand before I kill you.

I’m not doing this for the money. In fact, I’m not doing this for any good reason at all. I just feel like it. Oh, don’t look at me like that. Please, it’s disgusting.

Now then, you will need to listen very carefully to my words. I am sending you on a mission to the bottom of the sea...to die. I feel that this is the best method because it doesn’t involve blood or guts, or me firing a gun or stabbing you and spraining my wrist. I have arthritis, you see. Yes, by dropping you to the bottom of the sea from my yacht in the middle of the ocean with weights tied to your ankles, not only will I be rid of you, but I can also work on my tan. It is also beneficial for the little fishes so that they may feast on your flesh.

On the other hand, which also has arthritis, by the way, there is the matter of your siblings. Should they join you on your journey, perhaps? No? Then what, oh, what shall we do, hmm?

Oh! I will simply send them to my auction. Yes, my auction...I’m sure they will fetch quite a price. But don’t worry, the money I receive will go to a good cause. After all, I have been planning to renovate, and my hairline has been receding recently.

Well, shall we go now? My lovely yacht is waiting for us. Oh, you won’t cooperate? It seems we will just have to carry you, then. Chop, chop, my servants. The night won’t cloak us forever. Wake me when we reach the middle of the ocean.

Oh, we’re here, we’re here! Welcome to the middle of the sea. Servant, sunscreen! Sunscreen, I’m burning! Yes, slather it on, slather it! Okay, that’s enough, go away now. Where were we? Ah, yes, welcome to the middle of the ocean. Are you ready for your mission?

Still not cooperating, eh? Then I suppose we’ll just have to throw you overboard, hmm? Servants, tie the weights around his ankles, so that he may reach the bottom of the ocean. There, nice and tight, yes? We can’t have you slipping out, can we? Take a deep breath...Yes, that’s it. Off you go.

My, that was a loud splash. He won’t be bothering us anymore...All that’s left is to sell all of his siblings. Yes. Servant, more sunscreen! I’m burning! Yes, that’s it, slather it, slather it. Okay, that’s enough. Let us return home now.

Goodbye, you annoying, yapping, tail-wagging little puppy. Enjoy your time sinking to the bottom of the ocean.


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