What to do when you can't even trust yourself?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

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A short story showing the struggle with depression.

Cold breeze touched my face, making my tears hurt even more. I can feel shivers all through my body, and the only thing that comes to mind is I’m alone.
I’m alone in this big world. That’s okay. I never really tried to make someone love me.
Sitting on the edge makes me feel like I’m in control, for once. At least I can decide if I should keep my life, or give it back. Looking down at all the people walking around, talking to each other and holding hands. What is the point?
What is the point of your days spent smiling? What is the point of short term happiness? Is that really what life is all about? There has to be something more than simple seconds of smiling, or holding each others hands. There has to be something more than simple lives of people. So fragile, so short. Too short to make a real difference. To find the whole true meaning.

Sure, I can pretend I don’t care. I can pretend that this world makes me happy and that people aren’t just a bunch of hungry beasts running around, killing each other over things that never really mattered, things that make us stay the same.
We are like a perfect weapon created so we think we have got enough to be better than every other creature. They gave us just so much understanding so we could think, and then one day blow ourselves up, together with everything we touch. They never gave us any real answers. We are just a smaller part of the second in the whole damn clock that ticks away our time so fast, we’re not even able to open our eyes. We’re not important. There has to be something bigger.

“You’re so cute when you cry.”, I heard laughing behind me. There she was, standing in front of me again, looking down on me making me feel so small. Making me feel more useless than when I’m alone. But that’s right, I never really am alone. She’s always there.

“While you’re at it”, she continued, “might as well finish the job. I mean seriously, stop being so scared. This world is never going to change. No one is ever going to change. Everything will stay the same, and you are going to keep watching down on them and wish you could be one of them, but you never will be. You will never fit in. It’s like you’re not even there to them. They don’t care, you silly girl. How many times do I have to tell you?”

And in that moment I wished I could truly be alone. But I never am. She was always there, a perfect copy of me. Always waiting to beat me down, and she doesn’t really deal that well with losing.

“I saw what you were doing, no need to hide the razor. You know I don’t judge.”, she said and sat right next to me. Her body didn’t feel warm next to mine, it felt like she was stealing all the warmth I had left and destroying it.
She smiled. I hate her smile. I hate every part of her. Looking at her is the same as looking into a mirror, but with less scars.
“Come on. You can do it. Just like I showed you.”, she took the razor and ran it down my old scars. I liked the feeling. Pain would go away... Well at least the kind of pain I was very willing to trade for the pain I’d get from cuts. Sometimes I felt like a drug addict, cutting myself and making myself believe I can’t go on without it.

And then she dropped it.

I watched it fall down, slowly. From the top of the building until I couldn’t see it anymore. It got lost in the sea of happiness. Maybe...

“We deserve to be happy.”,  I said to myself and to other me.

“I knew you’d see it.”

Last moments? Moonlight on my pale skin. Warm blood leaving my body. Her cold hand holding mine.
 

And then we jumped. Together, she held my hand. And then she disappeared in the night.

We... no. I. I jumped. I jumped alone into the dark night. Into the only way I could have been happy. But, that’s not what happened. It wasn’t peaceful at all.

I didn’t want to scream, but I did. It was the last sound I made. I didn’t feel sad. I felt cheated, betrayed and alone. She wasn’t there. She got her victory, and she left me.

So... I walked alone into the darkness in front of me. Again.


Submitted: April 01, 2014

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