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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: April 02, 2018

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Submitted: April 02, 2018



“I am embarrassed to be seen with you.” That sentence plays over and over in my mind every day. What could I have done wrong to make someone embarrassed to be seen with me? How could my best friend be embarrassed of me? Sooner or later I would find out, but for then I had to deal with it.

`There is this guy. We do not have to name him but know that he is a guy or a little boy, whichever you prefer after reading this paper. 

He and I met in the spring of 2017. We had a few classes together, but did not really communicate. He joined the sports team which my brother had been on so we knew of each other. Towards the end of the semester we began to talk a lot more and I did not think anything would come of it or to the point where we are right now. At first, he was talking to my friend from back home and after only seeing her from one facetime call. They talked throughout the summer for the first month then stopped, but he and I would talk constantly. By the end of the summer, he was my absolute best friend. I had never cared for someone so much before. Within that summer he showed me that he could care about me and that I could trust him, but once we got back to school everything seemed to stop.

He made my life an adventure in the beginning months of our friendship. He treated me how everyone would want to be treated. One time I was going through one of my moments, and he knew something was up so he called me every day to make sure I was okay. At the time I knew he would never leave my side. He cared for me, trusted me, and loved me. That is all I can ask from someone. With those three traits you are my friend automatically, and I would do the same back. “Meredith, I would die for you if you were ever in danger.” This was said during one of our many emotional talks. Our other talks usually consist of, “You’re such an asshole to me,” and “Why are you such a bitch?” That is just the way the cookie crumbled in our messed up friendship. During these fights we would have we would not talk for maybe a week, sometimes less. It was such an enduring friendship because we would nearly fight every other week it seemed. The weeks we were not fighting were the best, no anxiety attacks, no nothing, just me and him being the normal crazy people we are in the crazy beautiful friendship we have. 

This friendship is like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. In November of 2017, the bomb was counting down. When he said he was embarrassed of me, was when the countdown frantically began. All I did was burp and said “excuse me” and his reaction was to become furious with me. One little burp set him off, what else could have? This is when the fights were becoming more constant. 

There was a time when he wanted nothing to do with me. We were both at a party, and he had been drinking a lot. I had my bottle of wine sitting in his fridge waiting to be opened. I sat in the room across from his and he comes in with my wine. 

“Who’s wine is this?” he asked, “Mine,” I replied. Before I knew it he ran off into the middle of the party with my wine.

For me, wine is a big deal. My sweet tasting Barefoot Moscato that I get every once in a while. I was pissed over a little bottle of wine. I think it was just the fact that we were already in a rough place that set me off. He came back a little hallway where I was standing and I asked where the bottle was. “I drank it,” he said drunkenly. Fury filled my eyes as fear filled his. “Wanna know something? You ruin my life. The thing is, I think you enjoy doing that,” I screamed. He did not respond but he felt that emotion, because he usually has a smartass comment back, but not this time.

 I headed home around 3 a.m. I am sitting in my bed feeling so alone. I feel a tear fall down my face followed by a huge sob. Anxiety attack, I knew what was happening. Screaming into my pillow, crying so hard I could barely breathe. All I wanted was him. I pick up my phone shaking trying to text him and sent a message. Ten minutes go by and no response. One hour goes by still nothing. He was on his phone the read receipts were on, but he did not want to deal with me and my emotions. I should not have said that he ruined my life. The only person I wanted there, could not be because of my doing. I felt so alone.

It is these fights that made me realize why he was more embarrassed of me. First, he made a new group of friends which would keep him out late and make him do things that he should not have been doing. Second, he would drink regularly which did not help either of our cases. Third and probably the most important factor, I was starting to see he did not care about me anymore. I felt like a diamond in the rough in his life and I did not feel he was worthy enough to be my friend, because I demonstrated the act of caring for another person from the very start of the friendship and he slowly declined once he found “newer” friends.

My problem is that I forgive him too easily. I forgive him because I love him. Not in love but you know that love that you get when you cannot stay mad at someone forever. This needed to stop. I knew it and everyone else knew it too. This friendship is toxic, that word is the only way I could possibly explain it. So toxic that even when we are doing well for a little, the goal is to make the other person mad. The spite in getting each other mad is almost addicting. 

It is kind of messed up. “Meredith, how can you be with someone so cruel to you,” this is essentially what everyone is saying to me. I usually say, “I mean it this time guys, I won’t be his friend again. I am done with being treated like this.” I knew this was not true, and so did everyone else that heard it. I cannot go through school without him everyone knows that. He even knows that because he needs me too. 

Surprisingly, we have had a real conversation, no mean words or glances, a rollercoaster ride of a talk. He said he needed me and he only hurts me because he cares about me so much and cannot express it in any other way. In what world would that make sense, but it does in mine and his. I have seen firsthand the way he treats his family, he is rude, but they all still care about him so much. He is almost incapable of trusting someone when they say that they care about him. That is very hard to know because I am trying to help him build that trust in his life. However, I am getting a harsh backlash. I wish it was easy but it is not. I am still trying to find out why he acts the way he does. It could be a number of things. Maybe none of his friends have showed this type of commitment before to him, because he said to me one time that girls in high school tried to help him, but they could not handle it anymore. They left him. I cannot leave him, he needs me, I know he does.

He trusts me completely. I know this because he trusted me with the most important thing in his life and that is the necklace his grandfather had given him before he died. As he put the necklace in my hand and walked out the door I noticed that the clasp on the necklace was broken.

 He left for the weekend and everyone told me “he would love you if you got the necklace fixed for him.” I did not want too. He was rude to me he does not deserve this I thought to myself.The more I thought about it, I knew how much this necklace meant to him. I took it to a jeweler and she fixed the clasp. When I gave it back to him, the expression on his face was shocked. He did not think I knew that it was broken. “Really?” he said to me with a choked up voice trying to hold back the emotion he never shows anyone. “Really.” I responded with a soft smile. That moment was when he knew I would always care about him no matter the situation we were in.

He is not just a guy or a little boy to me, he is something more. I do not know how to explain what it is. We both can see the tie we have to each other. There is a reason why the both of us are drawn to each other. As much as we want to get rid of each other it always comes back to one question. Where would we be without each other? I think about getting away from this friendship, but then I hear the “Time Passing,” ringtone on my phone at 4:30 a.m. with his name on the screen, and I pick it up. 

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