There's This Boy...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
An idea I came to form about a guy, not too exciting, just a contemplation on how i see the situation between us.

Submitted: January 09, 2015

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Submitted: January 09, 2015

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He is tall. His eyes aren’t brown, and they aren't green. They're a hazel-y mix and they shine when he smiles. They’re friendly too, they have warm kind feeling to them that just makes me happy. His smile is perfect too. It’s a big happy smile that makes the corner of his eyes crinkle a little. His body isn’t one you would find in a magazine, its a more realistic kind of attractive. He doesn't have a six back but he’s fit and strong and you can see his muscles. He wrestles and fences and he’s committed to it. He can carry me too.

His laugh is whole-hearted and when he is laughing, I at least have to smile. He always listens when you’re talking too. He can make you laugh, make you feel happy. AND he does a killer Joker impression. He’s a good friend and doesn’t mind being slightly in their shadows even though he is a good leader too. He has a quieter, reflective side, and just a playfully adorable side. His singing voice is amazing, i could listen to him forever. He doesn’t think he’s a good singer but he is. His voice is deep and calming. My favorite is when he sings Misty Mountains or songs from Les Mis, but really, he could sing anything. All I want is to know him better, to hug him, to ask him to sing for me, to be able to care about him the way i already do, to cuddle, to be privileged to be cared about by someone as amazing as him. They say he likes me too, but that makes me kind of sad. As much as i want this perfect, perfect boy to be mine, for as much as i admire him and yearn for him, as much as i spend my time thinking about how it could be, I know better.

He doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve the broken mess, the shadow of a girl, the chalk outline of human that I am. He deserves so much better. I am nothing, I am no one. My life is in pieces, scattered across the floor of harsh reality. My brain is a dangerous place. It is dark and empty and its easy to get trapped. I would know, i get trapped in it all the time. I’m destructive, self destructive too. He doesn’t deserve to care about someone who hates herself, he doesn’t deserve that kind of Hell. He doesn’t know either, about how much of a struggle living is for me. We aren’t close like that and i don’t know how he would react if he were to find out how screwed up my head is.

I want him to forget about me. I want him to forget about my existence and find another girl, a better girl, a girl who knows how to live, someone normal. It would hurt me to see that happen but it would be better that way, better for him, and best for ‘her’. He needs a girl who can sing like he can, someone who is as pretty as he is handsome, someone sophisticated who knows what they want and knows how to get it, someone who is smart, someone who is going places just like him, someone who wouldn’t always be relying on him or weighing him down. He deserves someone better.

 


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