A Slightly Random Story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Action and Adventure  |  House: Booksie Classic
A slightly random story with an eye for adventure. Or is it candy? Either way, this was fun to write, and I hope you enjoy it!

Submitted: April 28, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 28, 2015



A Slightly Random Story


Chapter 1: The Start


Have you ever wondered what the wind felt like, rasping through your bones like a ragged soul on the precipice of darkness? There is no need to know. I will tell you, it feels like sand paper, slowly scraping over the forehead in a breezy embrace. It is a joyous feeling, an inspiring feeling. Nobody can tell you exactly how it feels because everyone feels it differently. The leaves of time will ever extend further into the grasp of a tentacle monster, brooding in the depths of queasiness. Also in those depths are a great number of beastly morphing humans, which had not been protected from radioactivity. There were porpoises too, and they had a great time partying. Eight hundred days later their corpses still remain in the sewers. They stink extremely much, but not enough to last. The rats clambered over each other in a crushing fate not without reason, because there was a giant lawn mower plowing them down and spewing guts out the other side. They could not escape in time. But it was okay, they were evil rats. The one piloting the lawn mower was a hero, James Dean, and he was heroic. This was an alternate universe of course, because he was 43, and the year was 1920. Nobody cared though, because they did not know James Dean was a hero. He was in disguise, and in real life he wasn’t anyone in particular. He was actually a vacuum cleaner cleaner at a local vacuum cleaning store… This meant that he cleaned vacuums for a living. It also meant he ate mac and cheese every night for the rest of his derpy life. Nobody knew it was a derpy life because no one really knew him. Not even his family. He was a secretive one, sometimes going by the name Charlie Chaplin. A villain he had recently needed to kill was the inexorable Angus 3 pounder man, who had the ability to turn into one hundred cats. James Dean did not know why he was or how, but he knew he had to kill him someday. But Angus 3 pounder man was also secretive, and James did not know where he was. It was plausible that Angus was somewhere in the universe, but that was fairly general. General Alcazar 5 be exact. Alcazar was interesting. He was a football player, but he was also a cyborg mole. Alcazar was good friends with alien cyborg dragon princess, whom nobody knew her real name. It would be good to get in touch with Alcazar, because he could ask the princess and maybe get some subtle hints about where to trot to next. The problem was that the apocalypse had already begun and that made it harder to do things. It was a zombie alien meteor shower flood type of apocalypse. Earth was a little crusty too, like a crusty thing. Also, all road signs had come to life, and they would kill people by whacking them in half, then watch their guts spill out dreamily. It was a childlike wonder they had, so it was worth it. Everyone knew the signs would eventually come back to life anyway, it was just a matter of time. Time and patience. If time was a golden key in the half scheme of things, then it was greasy with melted cheese and surrounded by a cloud of fog. The fog remains stoic and vast and remembers nothing but the corpses of mutated humans in sewers… lol.


Chapter 2: A New Beginning


There was a stick man. He was a drawing of a stick man. But he was also a tessellation of a stick man, repeated over nine hundred times. Such was the life of garbage truck drivers. Spider man and specks of dust. It’s the stuff that dreams are made out of. By that, I mean clouds could drink whiskey all day and never be drunk. They are a source of happiness for many a human, including the evil ones. Everyone delights in them. James Dean was the creator of the stick man. It had come upon him one day in a ramming realization of powerful awesomeness, excluding anything visual. Stick man would forever be his little secret, and stick man’s secret would be James Dean. Stick man knew James Dean like the back of his hand times 2. Stick man did not have any hands. He had hypothetical hands though, and that was good enough. It was good enough for both of them. They cried together and laughed together, and their lives were complete with each other. Because they cried and laughed at the same time, nobody knew of stick man. He was hidden within the pockets of James Dean. It was just as well, because the pockets were rather large and welcoming. It would have been a slight disaster if they had not been. It was a brown coat, of varying lengths. It also had tails, like a conductor. And a skull on the back. But the skull was invisible, so as not to attract attention. Attention is an odd thing. When you want it, you don’t get it. But when you don’t want it, you get it. After getting it, you realize you actually did want it in the end, and you were wrong all along. This creates some sort of paradox, but we won’t get into that. It would be meddlesome. Crab pies were what stick man ate. He was a vegetarian, but not by these standards. He was from another dimension, so that explained everything. Noticing not what hath not been discovered, for resemblance is a foul beast in so many dark and knowing ways. It eats couscous and forgets. Then it put the lotion in the bucket, or something. Becoming what not forsook thy savage regard, there is no happiness in wrenching your arm out of the crack in a door to find it bitten off. We all sing together. At the campfire of course. And an ad for a DJ with a didgeridoo appeared on Craigslist on April 5th, 1994. It was a time of chaos then, and it is a time of chaos now.


Chapter 3: Chocolate Cheese


A tribute to the worst song ever invented. That is what the carriage of misguidance was. It did not have a time or place where it did not fit in well. This was because everyone loved the carriage. Well, everyone except the bad guys. But the bad guys don’t like that many things anyway. So it kinda fits in still. If you know what I mean. The Nargles came a wobbling forth in a panicked embrace of time and space, realizing that they were the only ones that had read an inter-dimensional fan-fiction that had never existed. This was because the author had been killed before he was born, via time travel. The Nargles happened to have a copy of the book in their time machine, so it was effectively lost in time but still existing. It was a wobbly existence, but they protected it well, keeping it from harm. In fact, the person who killed the author was no other than Angus 3 Pounder man. He had stolen a time machine. That was the third most evil thing Angus had ever done at that point. But we don’t judge. Nobody is disagreeing. Angus became a bad guy when he went to a hike store to buy a hike, but found they were all too expensive for him, even though they all came with a free Houdini inside. This made him angry, so he turned evil. Previously, on Lost, he had been in the DHARMA initiative. He had been a good guy then. One of the good guys that lived. But he turned evil with the twist of a hike store. The universe does cruel things to future cruel people. In this way, the ends bring about the means. Its also a means to a beginning. The beginning of an adventure of some sort. It was not Angus’s adventure though, because he was already evil. Evil can be like a parasite sometimes. Except that it can infect and spread throughout the body like buttered toast on a tree. I used to get sweaty hands when I was nervous, but that’s a different story entirely. Some houses are big and glorious and full of party space, but ours was not. We were not exactly the party type either, so I guess it worked out well anyway? The world may never know. I cannot exactly scream at the owls, but whisper to them peacefully in an exotic way. They want it that a way. Their brains are tiny and full of cream cheese. James Dean’s favorite animal is a cougar, and Troy was a fictional character in a story Angus wrote. Angus’s favorite animal was the color sea blue. In his time sea blue was considered an animal. He still considers it one. It’s a bit like Pluto. What if Pluto was a potato? Would it be a robotic potato, like GLaDOS? It is unsure. It seems like it would be lumpy, with lots of eyes. It would have a bunch of sock monsters as pets. And pests. It would be for the win though. More to the point, why can’t anyone carry a can opener on them? It has an itch, a craving scratch, a disastrous cameo we all know about. Why not help him out? It might be its last day alive, and it would be sad to go out without a can opener. Please with an avocado on top. And still James plays his harp gently onward. Like a trombone, but better. He was a great harp player, but he could only play it well when he knew nobody would hear him. So the harp was only ever heard by him and stick man. They were truly true in the simplest of ways. An X-Acto knife was all James had in his toolbox anyway. But then again, he was not a handy man. So it really did not matter. No really, it did not matter. Be halved, then quartered, but it will always equal the same. It does not work like normal math. It takes universal physics and turns them on their side. Its like looking out an apartment window, and seeing a recent dream floating up, like an elevator propelled by the thoughts of nearly extinct elephants and dolphins. Global warming in a nutshell. A peanut shell to be exact, because those are pretty fragile. This can be considered a speech, to talk about all the worlds problems in a very slight hinting way. If you know what I mean. Not just the world’s problems. The universe. Actually, to be grander, lets just say the multiverse as well as every dimension, throughout all of time. That should cover most stuff. Good enough, am I right? Jack Black and bits of fluff. Kate Walker and specks of dust. We can all feel the tremors going through our bones as the robot digs on below our feet. It will be down there a long time, and we will never forget what it did. There were negatives and positives, but ultimately we will always remember that it made us see. It made us really see, as though we had never seen before. It was glorious, and filled with affection.


Chapter 4: The Crumbs of Paradise Lost


Paradise is a place that exists. It is right outside Vermont in fact. Well, technically it’s a portal that takes you to Paradise. In reality, Paradise is in another universe. So it kinda does not exist. There are Reese’s Pieces there. Also palm trees. There was a sharp shrieking sound, and James Dean woke up rather warily. He got out of his bed made of cardboard and cucumber slices. Then he got ready for his day. This includes turning on his retro-ondo-rondascope and humming to himself enthusiastically. This machine was an invention of his. It takes the hums out of everyday life, and turns them into really cool flies. That way, James had lots of flies hanging around his head lazily. Today would be an interesting day. Or at least, a very lousy one. This was because James got a promotion the day before. Previously, he had been working at the vacuum cleaner cleaners for $0.05 per hour. Now he earns $0.06 per hour. That’s like one cent more! He decided to celebrate by buying a donut and a cupcake. But he encountered disappointment, because the donut was poisoned and the cupcake had a bomb in it. But the clouds were moving quickly across the sky, and it was nice out. So James shoved the badness out of his head and began his day. It was his day off, so he was going to search for Angus again. Meanwhile the apocalypse slowly rages on toward a downfall of humanity. Stick man was fine with this because he was not really human. But he should probably try to find a way to change James into something else. To escape downfall of quartz. Raisin Bran is not good cereal, while grape nuts are. Alcazar could not be found. He had an eye patch over his forehead to hide his third eye. Not a mental one, Alcazar actually had three eyes. At one point he had only one eye, because he was a cyclops. But a tornado of triumph came tumbling through his collapsible home, and Alcazar gained two eyes. That’s why you should know your vegetables, kids. Have you seen a man in a white coat?


Chapter 5: It’s Like a Dollar an Hour!


Just west of the square root of a hospital is a little place called Home. Nobody lives there, its just been called home for five hundred years. This is why you should never marry a billionaire. They do stupid things like that. Angus as it happened was not a billionaire, nor would he ever be. But he did not care for money, he just wanted to watch the world burn. That was his favorite thing. More than pumpernickel bread. Which by the way, he grew on a tree in his backyard. Money does not grow on trees, but love does. Love+ also does. It was in this way that Alcazar found himself riding a tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park in the year 1906. He also happened to be in San-Francisco, which meant he was in the middle of an earthquake. Alcazar did not mind though, he was used to this sort of thing. Normal.


Chapter 6: The Dead are Restless


This one time, Rachel Stirling was playing a video game. But the thing is, it was someone else incognito as Rachel Stirling. And technically it was not a video game, because there was no video. But I digress. Rachel Stirling was playing a video game inside a tornado of time while sharks fluttered around her sleepily. Also, red sauce dropped into cucumber salad quite quickly. Pretty Jabberwocky doodle? You may ask. And you would be correct. Inside a cave, lost in time. At around 8:30, except when we missed the exit and had to drive all the way up the mountain. Oddly enough, we were not the latest to class that day. Remember, Alpha never sleeps. Tornadoes of time are hard to get out of, and they slowly shrink those inside. By the time Rachel made it out of the tornado, she was one inch tall. You get out by beating the video game. The rule: to kill them all is to win. Grouchy Grouchmeister the 3rd senior junior is a pro at the game, and can beat it in under three and a half years. You see, tornadoes of time travel through time as they simultaneously make people inside age in reverse. So it can be hard to race, as well as time it. But it is a sport in the Olympics, Along with dancing, screaming, tic tac toe, and speed raisin eating. What can I say? Times change. Plus, it’s the apocalypse. People cant put that much effort into the Olympics anymore. That’s why dynamic water creation as a sport was taken out of the Olympics. It’s a lot like the super bowl in that way. Not much point if the commercials aren’t good. End of subject. Or is it?




Chapter 6: Weird Gigantic robot


Twisting through the air like a bat out of hell, a weird gigantic robot decided to fall apart. It broke into 10 equal pieces, which each turned into a miniature sun that cascaded through time. Each sun descended into darkness, and became an anti sun. That is, a sun that takes the light out of things. Then, they achieved sentience and recited the Kings speech 1000 times over. They never got bored. Expecting an experience, a goofy snail accidentally collided with each anti sun as they spun through time, and ultimately created a rather large explosion. This was, in fact, the big bang. From there, the universe was filled with sand. Then the sand spilled over into other universes, and there was more space in this one. That was enough space to mean the creation of Istanbul. We all know how that went: disaster. But they tried again, and soon there were cacti. Tons of cacti. Every planet ever had cacti on it. And from there, every other form of life came into existence. Except humans, walruses, and crayon animals. Those came way later. Each animal got assigned to its own special planet, and was color coded. Of course, everyone broke the rules. They trampled them in their sleep, and when they woke up the color codes were so dirty no one could tell what the colors were. So they guessed. But if they guessed wrong, they became muddled, disfigured, mutated things. If they guessed right, they became enlightened. But it was all a matter of chance. Chance and butterscotch, of course. Red rice vinegar and apple cider vinegar came later, in the golden age of electronics. And that is the basic history of the universe.


Chapter 7: The Odd One Out


They wanted to be the very best, like no one ever was. They would travel across the galaxy, squashing all the bugs in their path. Their path was a destructive one, but a victory path. It shined brightly, and people called it the shining. Many famous faces had walked along the path previously. The doom sent forth his wrath upon the path at one point, but it was unbreakable. The only way to destroy a path of such awesomeness was if two universes collided in just the right way. It would then create a crack in time, and erase the path from existence. The thing is, if it never existed, it would never have been destroyed. A little confusing, but not too much. Isaac Newton could not have said it better. For it was a time of triumph, and a time of pain. All the chocolate unicorns came hurtling out of the ice like an army of tetrahedrons pretending to be errors. A Dodecahexahedragon is a tetrahedron with 100 sides, where every second the length of each side is dynamically growing and shrinking. It is quite a wonderful sight to behold. But it is also hard to create. I figure the easiest way would be to write a code to simulate it on a computer. That said, my watch is a GPS and thermometer. You should parry the attack and hit the knee. Break a leg!

Chapter 8: of Robots and Unicorns


James Dean was playing his harp in his bathroom when suddenly a winged Flareon flew through the window shrieking like an old hag. James wheezed hazardously and grabbed a cracker that was taped to the wall. He ate it quickly then ran out of the bathroom. He must have been sleepwalking. This was rather unusual. James only sleep walked once every decade. The time must have come up again. Much like a boiling pot of frogs. How did they get in there so easily? So much for a lazy morning he thought. Though it was raining out, James was ready. He was going to really start searching for Angus. He walked outside, and his clothes quickly turned purple in the light of the dying sun. Celebrity party? Yes. But that was not for this moment. He had not even been invited, which was worth realizing. He pulled out his ear buds and put the blue ear bud in his mouth, biting it thoughtfully. He started walking perpetually forward, counting his steps as he went. Every time he counted up to 100 steps, he would level up, and reset the counter. It was tricky because James had trouble keeping track of the numbers. So he leveled up more slowly than usual. This was okay though. He went to the library, and walked past a group of monks who watched him as he passed. They stared intently. Their eyes were crisp and full, like they had enough sleep and they were excited for the day ahead of them. James was excited for the day as well. He just did not show it. He would have shown it had someone been talking to him. He walked past a stack of books, and went to a dark far wall of the library. There was a hole in the floor, and he climbed down it. There were dandelions growing all over in the hole and it smelled like childish perfume. At the bottom James put on his handy dandy mustache and ate a burger. He was chilled to the bone. The ground gave way below him, and he quietly fell down, into the depths below. He had his tears to shoot in case anyone tried to attack him. But no one was there. It was an expertly secret spot. Not even the actors who played in the original Indiana Jones knew about this place. That was good. There were a lot of Jenga blocks stacked up all around him, so he had to step carefully or create a loud sound. He preferred no loud sounds. There was a clockwork orange, and he realized he had made it through. There was a large mahogany door, and it was shifting back and forth slowly, as if caught in an imaginary breeze of endless souls. James found it boring. He pulled out a wocket like from Dr. Seuss, and threw it at the door. The door shuddered horribly and shrank, pulling in on itself in an endless scream of self-annoyance. Jame's ears popped, and he pulled out a pickle and ate it. That was his whole breakfast. He stepped on a patio that was lit by lots of little jack O lanterns, and waved his arms in a spiral pattern, starting at cosign = 0 and ending at the square root of love divided by hate. This, as you know, equals balance. The code clicked into place with a screech, and crows with screws for eyes flew up all around James. He was now in his secret hideout, which was just a fancy name for a pile of garbage. It was literally trash. But James collected it. That, and cheese. There was also barley groaning in the corner, under a blooming jelly flower. James stepped inside a greasy smog-like teleporter and shot away, across the universe. He sang, because his body was electric and it was a toast to his own reunion. He was millions of tiny bits of data, streaming across the galaxies like an ant in a hot dog. It was just as well, because the hot dog was a Spam hot dog and it was being eaten by a vampire. Vampires, as they say, have wings. They can fly! And run like the wind. I wonder how many vampires it would take to counterfeit a quarter? It could be an easy test to make: start with one, then add in another if the first cannot solve it. Just keep adding in more until they actually counterfeit a quarter. It sounds easy, but what if they lie? I have heard vampires are really good liars, and what would be in it for them? Spam hot dogs? Yeah right. Give me a break. Its half past nine and you are already talking crazy to me. This should ink it out for you: no. Eventually a perfect rendition of a magical castle will be more than a mere fantasy, as you too can be seen at Hogwarts School of cream soda and ringworms. The hobo in the park told me so. And you should always believe what you see on TV. But not what you hear. That gives a very different meaning. One that might not be what you hoped for. It could mean missing class and expecting a ragged doll in your yard. If you catch my drift. I mean, Chicago, am I right or am I right?


Chapter 9: Bedtime


I attack you with my Death Star 2. It has slime bees and rain time as a special. I tap to add three blue mana to my pool, and disintegrate. Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around. This is good, because there are enough rocks in the world. Rachel Stirling listened closely, and heard the item get sound from Legend of Zelda. She was standing in a field of wild jaguars, and could smell Fresh salt on the air. Good source of sodium. There was no need to complain, because the jaguars were actually xenomorphs like in the Alien movies. Rachel did not know this, but she guessed they were some form of Koopa. This was fair, because they were all wearing bowler hats. They also had on fake mustaches. One of them sneezed out a brand new light bulb and Rachel grabbed it. She balanced it on her head, then floated away. There was a rustling of leaves, like the long forgotten integer that was supposed to be converted to a Boolean. Something was not quite right. She had eaten celery earlier, and grown to about a foot tall, give or take twenty fans. Rachel could not tell if they were fans that blow or fans that like things. Or both. But it did not matter. Either way. Cigars started raining from the sky, and a giant green hippocampus gave Rachel a secret. It said, “We are all but merchandise. And she’s building the stairway to heaven.” Knowing this, Rachel gave a small hoot and fluttered into another university. The university happened to be right outside New York City. Fanfare for the Common Man played off in the distance, and Rachel found her way to James Dean’s ugly abode. He was not there of course, because he had recently teleported. Rachel gave a dignified glare to a strange elf standing in a doorway, then coughed up a storm. It was a storm in a teacup.


Chapter 10: A Tiny Brick


Olives are gross. Angus 3 Pounder man grabbed a weasel and threw it out a window. It landed directly into a garbage can that happened to be zipping by at that moment. The weasel was unharmed. It had all been chance though. Angus zipped up his wooden coat, and walked outside. He was standing in a garden filled with ancient gray demons. They looked rad and beastly. Beastly was just another word for rad, so they were really rad rad. This was a little too much for Angus to handle, so he pulled out a sonic screwdriver and declared himself king of the cheerios. This was immediately a bad idea. All the demons started charging him at once, and in a simple twist of fate, walls of cushions came into existence around Angus, effectively keeping him apart from the demons. It was a room of cushions. But the ground was still garden. Meaning, half a row of roses was in there with him. They were bleeding red, and Angus realized they were the roses from Alice in Wonderland. That made sense. A tearing sound was heard in front of Angus, and he noticed something was coming into existence in front of him. He squinted, and out popped James Dean! What a surprise! This was going to be a battle! Angus was wondering when James would show up. It was definitely more than a mere relaxed time. How long had it been? Seven miles? That was way too long. The Matrix wasn’t even that long. Well, better late than always, as Angus never says. And never will again, apparently.


Chapter 11: The battle


James Dean lunged at Angus like a party zombie with whipped cream on top. Angus dodged it easily and threw a stick of truth for +1 to defense. James pulled out a die and rolled a six, moving all his risk pieces onto Siberia. Angus coughed wisely then snapped his sardine like fingers in a fate more gripping than beauty. James was shocked. Literally. Angus screamed a song of six pence and a pocket full of rye, then turned into 100 hundred cats. James started stamping them dead, thereby voiding the possibility of Angus turning back. He stamped out 10 before they realized what was going on. The 90 cats left proceeded to roll into a giant mound of brown fur, and attack James for ten damage. Then they formed their own space ship and spiraled into another galaxy. Angus was not dead yet.


Chapter 12: Revenge of the Booleans


Angus was not in a good mood. Not only had he been defeated, he was also unable to turn back to his normal form. He unravelled back to 90 cats and started plotting a plot. He needed to get back at James. Revenge was as necessary as a slimy goldfish wriggling in the branches of a magic tree. First off, Angus needed a change of clothes. Second, he needed a way to be less beings for now. Less is more. Its also fair. Four is a good number. He would form team Angus out of 90 cats, and get James in the weirdest way possible. The cats lined up, in rows of three and columns of four. They started launching themselves into vats of bubbling green and blue, and Erasers started frolicking on the wind. All the cats went into vats except a half cat. It was the front half. When the cats were done drowning, they stepped out happily and proceeded to combine into other things. Team Angus became the group containing half cat, garbage pile man, ravioli cigar, and HG Wells minus the arms. Half cat was half a cat, garbage pile man was literally a pile of garbage with eyes, ravioli cigar was a mix between ravioli and cigar, and HG Wells was himself, but evil. Together they were team Angus. Now to get back at James Dean!


Chapter 13: Actual Perceptual Disadvantages When Communicated


Alcazar was a strong man. He could carry at lest a dozen boxes of grape nuts. His face was basically a mass of muscles. He had real live eating breathing squirrels for shoes. He wore a ferret as a hat. If Daniel Boone had been reborn in the 26th century, he would have looked like Alcazar. He is so cool that on June 67th, he froze. That was his way of traveling through time at a different rate. It was a bit like Captain America, Except Captain America is not cool. Whispers of depressing darkness once attacked Alcazar’s wormhole-like home, and he got them to leave just by lighting a candle! Alcazar was an interesting one. His middle name is beef cakes, and bundles of joy are forever cursed to roll away from him. That could be considered a positive effect, like a warped little mermaid mixed with a gameboy lite. Whittling down the wooden doom blade, you will find a satanic version of Asia shrunk down to the size of a flea and taped to the back of a yellow screwdriver. There is a note that says “found in stolen vehicle” beside it, like a lime-green scroll of the dead sea. This is not a metaphor, it is just a futuristic cubist painting. In fact, it’s a stop motion animation made out of hundreds of cubist paintings. It took a long time to make, so I hope you appreciate it.


Chapter 14: 101 Dalmatians Traveling Through Time


Ravioli Cigar flickered through time, and struck James Dean right on the forehead. The resulting collision created an explosion of exasperation which quickly started spreading into the land before time. It dissolved trees and barley. James, shouting out in agony, began to melt. He quickly took a hatchet out of his pocket and chopped off his left arm. He pulled out an eye with a pop and embedded it in the veins of his arm. Then he grabbed stick man and placed him on his chopped off arm, and sent the arm to mars. Sadly, the rest of James melted away, much like the witch in the wizard of Oz. At least ravioli cigar was destroyed in the process. Stick man was there to pilot James Dean through space at exceedingly speedy rates not without police after him for going so fast. They eventually pulled him over, But stick man had no mouth so he could not talk. Arm of James Dean could not talk either, but it is useful to note he had an extra brain hidden inside. So he could still think, if that is what you are wondering. Since they could give no reasoning, stick man and James Dean’s arm went to jail. They went to a Los Angeles jail, but at least they shared the same cell. Same column and row. It was just like an excel spreadsheet! It was also Easter and somebody had hidden Easter eggs all over the jail. Everyone was looking, but there were no eggs in their cell. A cheese hail storm started outside.


Chapter 15: On Croissant


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But the beholder is wrong. Also, beauty is just another name for Walt Disney. So the subject creates the preamble, and the crumbling city will descend into the valley of darkness once again. This is not bad, it is just what is meant to be. To be or not to be, that is not the question. The giving tree gave but never received, except for walnuts and apricots. I consider this unfair, the tree should have got to play cave story. There is a free download for it. Wicked is good, or so I’m told. This kind of deception does not equal a good response, but it is a working one nonetheless. Crazy as that sounds.


Chapter 16: ERROR?


We all talk like robotic children when we are tired. It’s not bad, far from it. Peter Rabbit told me so. They say a blind man never hears things, and I would assume that means he is deaf as well. Worrying is not a concern for Rachel Stirling, She just keeps working toward victory. Victory for her right now means finding Alcazar. She was looking for James Dean, in order to find Alcazar. Too bad James Dean was also looking for Alcazar. At least they could look together? In any case, Rachel had no idea where James was anyway. Even though she was at his house. She knew it was his ramshackle place, because it said in bright yellow paint on the porch ‘peanut butter’. It was kind of a feeling, but more of a queasiness that had settled in Rachel’s left knee cap. Something was wrong. James Dean was less than he had been before. She knew this because she had a slight telepathic connection to James. It was not enough to communicate, but still. It was something, and something is better than nothing. Or is it the other way around? Well, whatever. Either way, Rachel got the point. James was no use to her anymore. Time to really start galloping around meadows, drinking whiskey.


Chapter 17: You must be a gentleman!


Whispers of broken teeth come whistling through the cracks in an old maple door, cackling wildly as they chatter on. Nobody knows their origin, or their objective, but they must follow any orders, however foolish they may be. This is because they can show power in the form of wasting wax hamburgers and making marks in wet sand. It has to be wet because dry sand squeaks when you shuffle your feet along the top. Dry sand also does not hold its shape well. Speaking of which, what is your favorite type of bread? Charcoal flavor does not count. Walmart does not officially sell it, so that is too crazy a flavor. Blood flavor works though. That is considered a classic flavor, if you know what I mean. When you drive through deception pass, turn of your cellular phone and walkie talkies. Otherwise you will be tricked, and might not even make it through. I am pretty sure it’s a rule that you cannot paint and drive anyway. Please keep these things in mind as you pursue the greater good of all mankind. Build the future small child star! And remember, every good boy does fine. Never eat soggy waffles or shredded wheat. Goodnight, and good day! Every day in new and exciting ways.


Chapter 18: Withering Skulls of Costco


There were a total of eight withering skulls of Costco. Each one was special in its own way. They were basically triachnids, but nobody called them out. It wasn’t like they were in a beauty contest anyway. Most of the time, they had to fend for their lives. Which was awkward, because they belonged to team Angus. But Angus had forgotten about them. So they grew old and dusty. The dust poured off them in more than slightly gratifying ways. This was a tremendous example of brownies. They were forgotten in the lower oven, because the upper oven was more often used. It was at least a month until they were found. Funny thing, they tasted better afterward. The skulls were the same way: they became prismatic, ever changing rainbow skulls. They looked a bit like my idea of a metaphor. This was a new concept to them, so they broke free of the bonds team Angus had placed over them. They ran away, and became their own unique nation. This was later known as Russia in an alternate universe. It was so meta.


Chapter 19: A Loose Cannon


Warbling through the water as it screamed, a silly wizard transformed into the Eiffel tower. This was an incredible feat. Or, it would have been, if the wizard had the ability to turn back. Most of the children in the park would have said it was normal. But don’t ask them, that would be like carving out a nickel with the first toothbrush ever. The first toothbrush was made out of bone, which is funny because that’s like fighting fire with fire. We are basically killing ourselves when we brush our teeth. That’s probably why most kids do not like their teeth brushed. As you get older, you get used to this simple fact. Its like a game of chess: sooner or later the bishops will all grow wings and try to fly away. Quite the chip off the old block, I might well say. One time, Alcazar started bellowing loudly in a most interesting way. It unfortunately attracted the attention of a blank demon that had been searching for Alcazar. The demon swept in while Alcazar was unaware, and laid a curse of blank on him. From that night onward Alcazar became known as Blank. His face lost all features and his skin turned chalk white. Or was it paint white? His clothes became one giant onion, and he was no longer a general. He also lost all of his secrecy, thereby making him more easily found. What do you expect? That’s what you get for bellowing. As the reader, you should note that Blank can still see and hear, etc, he just does not have facial features anymore. I think it makes readers feel better knowing this. Now that you mention it, who are you? Please write down your name, address, blood type, if you like hats or not, and favorite fable at the end of this chapter. Don’t worry, I’ll remember to leave space. You do not need to remind me. Also, could you please buy taco shells at the nearest shoe store? I feel like eating a taco today. But enough of that nonsense. On beyond eagle! We will celebrate by playing Fanfare for the Common man, by Aaron Copland. And eat cookies. There will be tons of cookies, and we will pretend to eat egg salad sandwiches. Then pop all the balloons, okay?








Chapter 20: Void the Imaginary Seal of Approval


So you think 21 is going to be a good year? Well, onwards and upwards, Toby. We will continue. HG Wells grabbed a cannon made of knives in his mouth, and threw it into space. It broke through Pluto and completely destroyed it. The cannon then crashed down on the jail cell James Dean’s arm and stick man were in. Stick man jumped out of the way like snake with silver eyes, but James Dean’s arm was not as fortunate. It was squashed, and ash blew outward in several random directions, to signify death. Stick man, in a fit of rage, unsheathed Excaliber and threw it at HG Wells. The sword cut HG Wells down the middle the long way, and bananas burst out of his feet. He died of course. Stick man found himself unraveling out of existence, and this made sense. James Dean had created stick man in this universe, and now that James Dean was dead stick man had to stop existing. But not to worry, stick man is a multidimensional being, so he was only not existing in this one anymore. He unravelled into a small pile of scrap paper, then blew away like a clamshell on a summer breeze. Now team Angus consisted of half cat and garbage pile man. In case you, the arguably brilliant reader, have forgotten the characters, there is still Rachel Stirling and Blank as well. But be quick! You know there is lipstick, hidden somewhere in this room. Just be aware: some things are far more than they appear.


Chapter 21: Attraction: The game


Rachel Stirling grabbed a rain coat and shook it quickly. The rain coat transformed into a giant leaf, which pulled Rachel to Jupiter. This was, of course, Rachel’s intention. She walked into the eye of Jupiter, and found Blank tied to a plastic folding chair. He was tied there by flower shaped twist ties. This wasn’t really Alcazar, but Alcazar was gone. So this was as good as it gets. Rachel Stirling had a message she had to deliver to Alcazar. The message itself was from Napoleon. But Rachel did not know if it was Napoleon Dynamite, or Napoleon Bonaparte. Maybe it was both? Gosh. Rachel Stirling shouted out the message, recalling it from her weird and frabjous memory. This is what she said: “Tree time is coming. Humanity on Earth will end soon. Grab a log and flee for your life.” Blank showed no response, because he was blank. Rachel had never been particularly shocked by this message. It did not affect her, after all. She was not human. Since she had finally delivered the message, she could reveal to the universe her true identity. She pulled off her rubber mask, and Blank saw that she was Fiona, from the movie Shrek. But it was an alternate Fiona, so she was not human but a robot instead. Robot Fiona. Blank should have known. It all made sense now. Fiona whistled the Jurassic Park theme song, and bit into a large piece of apple pie. Twisting maddeningly, Blank broke free of his bonds and cracked an old chestnut on his forehead. It seemed time to kill team Angus. But where to find him? Fiona pointed a sly finger to Magrathea, and tweeted a picture of a Manzanita tree to Robert Downey Jr. Blank got the hint: cheese.


Chapter 22: The Device


Ravens flew through the bitter coffee air like dirty wilted raisin bran cereal clasping onto the clothes of barely audible mice. Caltrops made from the broken souls of warthogs lie scattered uselessly on the ground. The bench pointed north, which meant the sun would set in the land of forgotten toys tomorrow. Disaster it was and forever will be. But I don’t regret it, far from it. I believe I learned from the experience. Even the regrets are worth the time and energy, because knowledge is power. Half cat heard a song from School House Rock play in the foreground. It was quite a splash of distilled water, at least from half cat’s point of view. Half cat started singing about Nowhere Pie, and how it did not listen. It was kinda a voyage, because my friend Jack eats sugar lumps. Sweet teeth and sounds in motion is what its all about. In this way Mr. K will join the band. The band of unnecessary cloud-like figures, of course. Don’t get on your high horse right now, and I mean it. Half cat scrabbled across a long Ouija board, and ate the declaration of independence. This caused a ruckus, which decapitated Blank. But Blank did not die. He simply tucked his head under his arm and charged across an airplane toward half cat. Half cat threw a large nail at Blank, but it simply made Blank grow wings. Blank threw his head at half cat as only someone throwing their own head could do. It bopped half cat on the head, and was not very effective. Blank snapped his right arm off with a crack, and realistically removed half cat from existence. Then Blank shriveled up into a tiny lima bean and died, because he could not live without his head.


Chapter 23: The Mighty cloud


Through a thick outcropping of understanding rested a mighty cloud. It was massive and amazing. Its home consisted of a bog filled with wild cranberries. No human had stepped inside the home of the cloud, because there was a curse along the perimeter. The curse would make any human change into half a left glove, then sink into the ground. It was quite a beautiful picture, really. Of course, most people never get the chance to see it. It’s a bit like dry ramen noodles in that way. Speaking of that, why do the living socks presume their existence is natural? I mean, anyone could offer a logical explanation, but I am looking for an illogical one. One that would scramble just right between a frog and National Geographic magazine. This would create a perfect bridge to Terabithia. It would also solve the troublesome reality of six fingered men. Think about it: what if there actually was a directors cut version of The Princess Bride? If there is, I would like to watch it. Maybe prove a forgotten point, more or less. As everyone knows, it is fairly stubborn, but I don’t always think about it, just now and then. Its worlds apart. Everyone expects things that fit with their reality. Even if the expectation is subconscious, they get let down easily once they know the true story. I should know, its happened to me. Im not always sure, but I feel like I sense it with people around me as well. It always gives off this sinking feeling. But, Wavelength is a good movie. And only about 40 minutes long too. Its calming, like realizing the cats out of the bag of black eyed peas, and has decided to play a rousing game of Mountain. Cheap! You could at least try it. I mean, it wouldn’t kill you. Or would it? Are you allergic to mountains, virtual or otherwise? Are you allergic to fun? Otters would probably enjoy it. One time when we (we as in my family plus others) went to an aquarium, and a sandwich was stolen by a bird. Slight side note: eventually I will read a good biography of George Washington. Whittling a stick down to a smooth grooved sword, Fiona wedged it between the place of no return and the second dimension. This was no easy feat, it actually took Fiona a little over eight seconds to master. You know how it is with time travel and all. She used the stick sword to propel her into the imagination of a purple ninja that happened to be a descendent of President Math. Using a New York Times best selling author, Fiona then swept her way into the secret lair of Garbage Pile man. Fiona crawled through the air whispering words of wisdom and built a staircase to heaven. Oh, how it had all come back around! Fiona was back inside a cave, like silly times. It was time for Garbage Pile man’s end.


Chapter 24: The Last Chapter


Fiona tossed a crystal beetle on the ground, and it crawled inside Garbage Pile man for 1 bleed damage. Garbage Pile man thought about Calcifer from Howl’s moving castle, and transformed into a ten foot tall green bean. Fiona was not impressed. She drew a picture of a wasp on the wall of the cave, and chanted about old gravy. Garbage Pile man, now a giant green bean, fell on Fiona and completely crushed her lower half. Fiona popped off her body at the waist, and discarded 3 cards to draw Needle, a sword from Game of Thrones. She stabbed it into the green bean, and sliced downward from 5:00 p.m. The green bean exploded into a fiery rocket launcher, which bubbled into green acid. Caught on guard right in the middle of the acid, Fiona began to fizzle away. She flung off her head, which flew out of the cave at 42 miles per hour. All of Angus was finally gone. Fiona’s head shattered against a glass wall and broke into a billion pieces. Fortunately, Fiona had a fail safe plan integrated in one of the pieces. A single shard of Fiona grew and changed into a weird gigantic robot. And you know what happened to that. Breaking the eggs and calling it braille! It is surprising, but yes. Maybe you will remember the scary times we had? Right a fanfiction about it or draw a picture. I sure would like to see it!


Chapter 25: The True Last Chapter: Epilogue


The apocalypse ended quietly in 2025. The downfall of humans did not happen, but it was inevitable through these most extreme conditions. Knowing there would be at least three more apocalypses later, most humans tried to prepare better. Some of them even had the bright idea to carry a log with them wherever they went, in case of Tree Time. Kirby ate a lollipop and sang about European trains. Will Smith grew a beard. All the Nargles were finally free to stop guarding the book that was lost in time. Every single whack a mole game became sentient and traveled to the 1920’s and eventually invented color. Another bad Transformers movie came out on blu-ray and VHS. The readers became strictly visual beings of light, and chattered amongst themselves for a game of Monopoly. The celebrity party came to a grinding halt when everyone realized they were just there because they were procrastinating. James Dean’s harp was sold to a genie who fell in love with a story about geese. The hall of mirrors fell apart and the map was redrawn. All the ends were stitched closed and it was so tight that no excuses escaped. Varying degrees of mutant tiger became the usual form of currency. Remember to have fun! Fake it till you make it, as I never say. Don’t worry, Be happy. You silly slug.



The End.

© Copyright 2020 merrydukes. All rights reserved.

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