Locked Wooden Box
Short Story by: mhamzasiddiqui
Reads: 8703 | Likes: 12 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 34
Write a story in which a locked wooden box plays an important part. (Word limit: 350-500)
Life seemed perfect to Majid when he took his new bride, Laiba to the lovely two-storey cottage he had built for his deceased first wife. He gave her that seductive
and voluptuous wooden box on the first day of their marriage and told her to keep it with her every time. That is when the problems began.
Things were very happy for about a year, and Majid was ecstatic when he learned Laiba was expecting twins. The house was rather small for a double addition to the family, so they decided to put the
cottage up for sale and started searching for a bigger house.
Suddenly, the house would be filled with the distinctive smell of perfume. When Majid smelled it for the first time, he turned pale and told Laiba that it was the scent his dead wife had favoured.
Then furniture that Laiba had rearranged moved back to its original position. The books in Majid’s study were taken out of their categories and were arranged in alphabetical order. The way his dead
wife had kept them. The ghost of Majid’s first wife had returned to the little cottage. But why now, after a complete year he had remarried?
One afternoon, Laiba was busy in the basement doing laundry, while Majid was gone to the office. As she finished emptying the washing machine, Laiba went upstairs where she saw a young women
flooting a foot above the staircase, holding that locked wooden box in her hands.
“This is my box!” Her pretty face transformed with rage. She shook her fist at Laiba. Laiba screamed, dropped the basket of wet laundry and ran towards the basement.
Slamming the basement door behind her, she tried to grasp for breath. Suddenly, the basement door started shaking violently.
“This is my box! If you will not give me my box, something terrible will happen to you and your family!” The roar of car’s engine pierced the ghost’s words.
When Laiba described the ghost to Majid, he identified her as his first wife. Until then, he had forgotten that it was the box which he had given to his dead wife on their honeymoon. The locked box
contained some unknown belongings of his first wife which Laiba did not know.
The couple tried to appease the ghost by bringing in a priest to pray over the cottage. But the house continued to be filled with the choking smell of perfume. Laiba was worried about her unborn
babies, living in such a haunted atmosphere. Finally, the couple decided to defy the phantom and sell the house and the box. Majid swept all the memories of his dead wife away.
On the night following the couple’s move, Laiba was struck with a terrible pain in her abdomen. Majid rushed her to the hospital where she gave birth to the twins, who were stillborn. On his way
home, Majid’s car was strucked by a truck and he was killed instantly. At the same time, Laiba sat bolt upright in her hospital bed. She screamed once at the sight of phantom, floating before her
eyes, and then she died instantly from a brain aneurysm.
To conclude, we all have different possessions, which gives us pleasure. Supposedly, in our all times. However, who knew that that old little box could result in one’s bizarre and strange sinister
fate.
The mystry of the wooden box remains a secret...
Submitted: July 14, 2014
© Copyright 2023 mhamzasiddiqui. All rights reserved.
Comments
This is really good, I loved it:)
Mon, July 14th, 2014 7:02pm
Author
Reply
Thankyou :)
Mon, July 14th, 2014 12:29pm
*she (s)creamed*
Mon, July 14th, 2014 7:05pm
Author
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Oh.. okay! I got it! :)
Mon, July 14th, 2014 12:28pm
It's pretty good but I think the ending was a bit rushed. With some more detail it won't be that rushed anymore. Sometimes you've got women instead of woman. It started really well although the wooden box confused me a bit. The part with the threatning and stuff was fun. I think this could use some more detail but I liked the plot ^^ It flows and it was enjoyable to read. Keep writing and keep up the good work :3
Mon, July 14th, 2014 9:18pm
Author
Reply
Oh thanks a lot! ;) Yea, consider that wooden box the biggest dilemma of my story; I was intending to write about the ghost(Majid's first wife) completely. However, in order to fulfill the requirement of the topic, I was kinda compelled to insert that wooden box as a part of the story as well! This story could have been written in more detail, but the word limit in CIE paper was 350-500 words. I have actually extended this a little. But in the end, I'm very delighted that you liked it! :)
Mon, July 14th, 2014 2:45pm
Hi Sid, when the ex-wife was floating, I would've ran out of the house, not the basement lol. The story was spooky. The ending was devastating, how sad. This could be turned into a novella to explain what happened to the next people who bought the box. Have you considered that?
You do have potential to write some good horror. This was definitely creepy, well done.
You said in the summary you wrote this for a class. How did the teacher react to this? I bet she liked it.
Author
Reply
Hi Lisa, *Wow* thankyou so much for your appreciation! It means a lot ;D I do know it could have been written in more detail. I could have elaborated the box more, but due to the word limit, which was actually 350-500, I was not able to do that. In fact, I have exaggerated it a bit. Wrote 64 words more!! I wrote it for my CAMBRIDGE O LEVEL EXAM which was held in May. If I will get an "A" grade, or "A*" grade, then it will be crystal clear that he/she might have liked it! Thanks once again for liking this story! ^_^
Tue, July 15th, 2014 1:39am
Creepy totally and the mystery of wooden box still remains a secret. I would have liked to know. Also, you could work on the descriptions and increase the length of the story a bit. :)
Tue, July 15th, 2014 5:50am
Author
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Thankyou Alex. :D Yea, I would love to, but I could not do that, due to the word limit which was 350-500. Maybe, if I'll publish a sequel of this story in future, you'll find that remaining mystery in there!!
Tue, July 15th, 2014 1:42am
The story is pretty good. You explained the phenomenon nicely and set the scenery prettyy good. I have to ask though did you have a word limit? Because for some parts it does seem a bit rush (the ending the ghost appearence etc.). If you detailed it a bit and gave some more atmosphere you could improve greatly. Don't be afraid to allow your story to breath. Slowly build up the atmosphere and then hit us with the shock and horror. But for what it is the work is pretty good. It has that story telling feel to it that I have seen is like your own style. Comparing this to some other stories of yours I can see you elaborate yourself more into the interaction of the characters and here it does show rather well. Just don't forget to add a little atmosphere here and there to keep the reader on their toes. All in all this is a good story and really enjoyed it.
Tue, July 15th, 2014 9:14pm
Author
Reply
Thanks a lot for your appreciation Jonathan! Yes, I had a word limit of 350-500 words. If it would not be the requirement, I was really going to extend it a lot!! However, I tried as much as I could to keep this story nice and firm! Thankyou once again!! ;D
Wed, July 16th, 2014 1:30am
I really, really like this plot! It was very creative. Although I find it funny that the guy gives both his brides the same present haha. Anyway, I was surprised by all four of their deaths, that was a wow factor.I saw in previous comments there might be a sequel in the future? Let me know if that happens. -Suz P.S I understand the complications of a stupid word limit which is why I'm not commenting on the length haha!
Fri, July 18th, 2014 4:41pm
Author
Reply
Hi Suzannee, thank you so much for your appreciation :D. It really means a lot to me. Yeah, I had to use that wooden box in order to fulfill the requirement of the topic. I knew how it would be felt if they all had died in the end, so I used that aspect too. Maybe a sequel. But not confirmed. Yes, word limit had made the thing worse/ Thanks once again for stopping by and giving me your wonderful comment! ^_^
Fri, July 18th, 2014 2:02pm
So Sid.. another amazing spooky story from you. It was great! Now, for the technical part. First, I think it was quite rushed and at times a bit meaningless.. the choice of words was good. One thing, how could a box be voluptuous and seductive, it doesn't make alotta sense. There were also a couple of typos. One last thing, try and I mean first try, to make your works a bit woven and intricate. Simple, with a touch of complexity. That's all! I hope you get good grades for your exams.. KMU on your works! :) Hopefully, I helped...
Sun, July 20th, 2014 8:43am
Author
Reply
Thank you Zayn :D I appreciate what you have said. I could have written this in more detail, but the word limit was the main problem, which was 350-500 as I've already said. I understand it seems a lot rushed, but I had no choice. Just to mix different ideas and write it down. Typos? Okay, I'm proofreading it again. And Yes! I know I could have used some other words instead of 'voluptuous' N 'seductive'. However, now it seems to me the same; that it doesn't make sense with the box a bit. But, I thought it would be best, so I used them. Thanks once again for the lovely advice once again. :D
Sun, July 20th, 2014 2:12am
I actually completely agree with Zayn's comment above. It was a bit simplistic and rushed at times, but the word choice was good for the most part. As others have said, a few typos, but much less I'm sure now as you have proofread. You have a good writer's potential, you just have a bit to work on, is all. Everyone has strengths and weeknesses. For the given genre and prompt, this was good work! Good luck on your exams.
Sun, July 20th, 2014 9:52pm
Author
Reply
Thanks Sarah for reading this story. Unfortunately, as it was written for the exam, I couldn't have much time to think about it in more detail. Obviously, creating N binding up ideas in just 30 minutes is quite difficult, isn't it? I haven't done the proofreading yet. Will do it, of course. But at last, I'm very happy that you appreciated this. I'll be looking forward to overcome the weaknesses. Thanks once again, Sarah! ;D
Mon, July 21st, 2014 2:17am
This was very well written! Very interesting! :3 A big like from me!
Mon, July 21st, 2014 4:38am
Author
Reply
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LIKING MY DEAR :D
Mon, July 21st, 2014 2:11am
This is a very well written story. Great job :)
Mon, July 21st, 2014 5:32am
Author
Reply
Thank you :D
Mon, July 21st, 2014 2:10am
hey this is a good piece of work, it was a bit short and rushed but you got the point over, well done, yes I found that some of my wives belongings that I had given her over the years that we were together felt as if they were haunting as I could never get rid of them, it was as if she was telling me to keep so that I would not forget her, it is very weird, remember our loved ones are always with us for now and beyond. great piece out of 30 I will give 22.
Mon, July 21st, 2014 5:12pm
Author
Reply
Thank you so much for your appreciation, Artie. Really it means a lot to me. Haha.. they're lots of things like the wooden box and their mystery remains secret throughout. I'm getting curious to know about your belongings lol :D I should advice you to keep those belongings in a safe place throughout your life. Because losing them may result in whether something bad, or not LOL :D Just joking. Thanks once again for giving me the score and your feedback ^_^ ~Sid
Mon, July 21st, 2014 4:07pm
Sid.. This was amazing! I just loved your imagination.It was so creepy!! But just noticed a few mistakes, like the change of tense in one line and your wrote was gone, instead u could write had gone. It was a little rushed up and a little descriptions are still needed.
Tue, July 22nd, 2014 6:37am
Author
Reply
Thank you for your appreciation, Sarah. I know it's a bit rushed ! but it's because of the word limit. I'll definitely work on the tenses tho! Thanks again for your feedback! *_*
Tue, July 22nd, 2014 1:06am
You did an awesome job of setting up the background and then introducing the mysterious box. You perfectly built up the suspense of the arrival of the first wife's ghost slowly (like the smell of her perfume, the rearranging of the furniture and books, etc.) Then when the ghost appeared it was pretty spooky. The shocker of their sudden deaths added to the suspense. I'd give you an A+ if I was your teacher!
Wed, July 23rd, 2014 2:23am
Author
Reply
Hi Nikki, WoW thank you so much for this lovely comment. Really, it means a lot to me. ;D I'm very happy and thankful to you from the core of my heart that you took your time and enjoyed reading it throughout! ^_^ Thanks for giving me the grade :P ~Sid
Wed, July 23rd, 2014 1:50am
I feel compassion for Majid and Laiba for they both died from the phantom. I wonder what was in that box? I like how much action is in this story, and how well the intensity of the actions were described, like things happening instantly. This story definitely fits a thriller. Well written! Thanks for the invite!
Wed, July 23rd, 2014 4:36pm
Author
Reply
Hi Joe, I feel incredibly well that you took your time and gave my story a read. I'm also very happy that you enjoyed it and gave me your lovely feedback! :D Thanks a lot,
Wed, July 23rd, 2014 10:29am
The pacing was a bit abrupt towards the end, though I do understand that was because of the word limit on the story. I agree with some of the other comments that descriptions could be lengthened out. But in the constraint you had put upon yourself as a writer, you did well. Good work!
Wed, July 23rd, 2014 10:47pm
Author
Reply
Thank you so much for your feedback Chenise! ;D
Thu, July 24th, 2014 6:29am
Very good story, very imaginative and you have some pretty creepy stuff there. Like the others I feel it was a bit rushed but you did a great job with the word limit that was set for you. You should really consider extending and adding more detail to it now, I would look forward to seeing how it turns out.
Thu, July 24th, 2014 2:48pm
Author
Reply
Hi nikki.. wow, ^_^ Thank you so much for your appreciation. I'm very delighted that you stopped by and gave me such a wonderful comment. I wish I could write more to reveal the secrets of the wooden box. And to elaborate that ghost of Majid's first wife in a coherent way, but the word limit was the problem. Thanks once again for liking, and your advice really means a lot to me and will be looking forward to work on it. :) ~Sid
Thu, July 24th, 2014 7:59am
Overall its a good story with thrilling moments. Due to it feeling rushed, it kinda takes away from the story. Your plot and concept is intriguing enough to keep the reader involved. Maybe a few more descriptives and it would have been really good. I'd like to read a sequel or prequel to this. It has strong potential. 15 out of 30 and a like from me.
Thu, July 24th, 2014 4:25pm
Author
Reply
Thank you so much for your honest feedback! I'll defintely try to publish a sequel to this story, which will be definitely quite planned, unlike this one which was written in just 30 minutes! Once again, thanks for giving me that score! ;D
Thu, July 24th, 2014 10:01am
Potentially a very good horror story but I feel you could have cranked up the tension a little more before delivering the final paragraph. I see potential for stretching the last but one paragraph into several paragraphs describing the incidents sepataely. A little more description here would help.
Regards]
Chris
Author
Reply
thank you Chris for your feedback. :D Unfortunately, the word limit was the biggest problem. Otherwise, it would've been just like the way you're thinking of! Thanks once again for stopping by and giving it a read! ;D
Thu, July 24th, 2014 10:04amFacebook Comments
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KristinHughes
This is really good, I loved it:)
Mon, July 14th, 2014 6:54pmAuthor
Reply
Thankyou!! ;)
Mon, July 14th, 2014 12:28pm