When I Am Up Here

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short story about what it is like up there for somebody who never belonged on earth.

Submitted: September 01, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 01, 2013



I don't want to go back.


I think what happened is that it just stopped hurting. It took a long time, but all of a sudden the ugly, disappointing feelings had slowly been removed from my body.  I hardly noticed at first, what could be considered odd as it was the only thing I focused on. I focused on the image of pain itself, but the pain was long gone. 

Many months had to pass for me to accept there was none left. I wasn’t me without it. Before that, I was able to think straight in my own way. I could breathe and each time it was an ecstatic struggle. My mind, it had a mind of its own. It would not listen to a word I had to say, as long as I felt painfully fabulous.  That was what might have taken me up here in the end. It was too late anyway, when I got my mind to listen again and to come back to earth. So to speak. 

There are many phases in this story that would take too long to explain. But, now that I can, now that all my ducks are in a row, I should explore them for others to hear, to convince. I am comfortable now, and that person that I once was wants to make sure they are too. Even though there aren’t that many left, they don’t even know. But I do know what it’s like. That is what is most important. I will save them, for I was saved myself even if it went by unnoticed. It shall not be too late for them. If only they could hear me now. 

Back in time, there seemed no threat that it would have come down to this. I was a perfectly happy child amongst a perfectly happy family. Nothing was in my way or could stop me from succeeding in life. I suppose, that when I think back, ‘the cracks in the solid foundation’ as was described to me by my therapist often, was just the start. I thought of it differently, and I still do. She thought the base that my parents had given me would define me for who I was and who I would become as if I could never change in between. I don’t believe in her statement. You learn from faults, whether they are yours or someone else’s. I, for example. learned that my parents were filthy creatures and it was my fault for believing they were any different. So I changed, did a 180 degree turn away from what I was meant to be. I learned from what they had done wrong. I might not have had a plan what the difference would be, but it sure as hell would not be the same. I insisted on that. 

But there was a threat alright. From the moment I was put on this earth, I was lost. Not having the right example, caused for the release. That is the only word that can describe it. I didn’t want to act lost, so I acted as if I had it all together. What did I have to lose, right? I would learn from everyone else, find their fault in the system and correct them the way I knew how just to feel better.

Soon though, Trouble came looking for me as if it was meant to be. Trouble considered itself my friend, and I knew it was the only friend I had so I cherished it with all that I had in me.  Trouble showed me what pain was almost all day and night, but told me it was love. I could not longer tell the difference because there was no difference. The entire world felt the same to me and I lost all realisation. 

I ran, away,  without knowing where to go, if I would ever find a place and could stop running, but I wasn’t sure there was enough time left in my life to reach my then unknown destination. I roamed around this wide spread earth for many years without a purpose, without a sense of direction. I wandered many streets alone only to find the darkest holes. I have learned now, that I would always have enough time to get to the final hurdle and overcome this with great strength. I have made it there. 

Now when I look up and see that circle created by leaves in the air so the sun can shine through into the woods, I feel pure happiness. I love being here and find these holes, these perfectly created faults.  The moss and leafs on the ground touch my bare feet with grace as I walk around aimlessly. I have nowhere else to go, and I feel the ecstasy of that thought running through my body to form a smile upon my face, for the first time in years. The scenery changes every so often, into white sandy hills with blue skies and not a cloud in the sky and as I wander around I can hear nothing, feel nothing and see for miles without ever looking.  

Life has left me now, and I wish I could tell them it is heaven.  It faded away the pain of which I am more than thankful for.  Although love has never found me, I have been told what it is suppose to be like, and I can imagine bliss. From here on out I will never look down at the bottom of my feet because I do not want to see what used to be there, in case it never goes away. I have learned that much. I face upwards, towards the blue sky and no longer feel the torment. Leaving life early, has made my life complete. 

The sunrise has risen through the dark, and I know it will never lose sight of it again. I am where I am supposed to be, heavenly. 

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