What do I do????

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
Working through my recent breakup. Random thoughts. Just keeping track of things in hopes of letting go completely and moving on to this new phase in life.

Submitted: March 12, 2015

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Submitted: March 12, 2015

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It's hard to believe it's only been a week since we broke up. Growing up in the military, I'm used to packing up and moving. Starting a new life every few months to a year or so. Learned at an early age to leave things behind and focus on the here & now. This is different. 15 years with the same person and what we had to do to be together. Being a bi-national couple was certainly a challenge ending up in my leaving everything behind in the U.S. and moving to where she was....Argentina. Man that was hard! Scary. I struggled so much between patriotism & love. Justifying to my friends & family that love was more important. The first years. Such an adjustment but so worth it. Never felt such happiness. Such security. Such love. All encompassing. Where did it go? How? Why? It ended so abruptly. FB message. We deserved a better ending than that. Or no ending at all. Why couldn't we talk it through? She didn't want to. Her mind was made up. She "lost the feeling". Realized she didn't miss me and was fine by herself. After 15 years??? We had always talked through things. Somewhere along the way we lost the ability to communicate. More, she didn't want to. I used to beg her to sit down with me. Talk about things. Felt her slipping away. Instead she went out. Found new friends. Created a whole existence that didn't include me. Hurt me to my core to not be a part of it. Felt myself retreating into myself. She didn't want to talk. There had been so many times I was going to leave. She begged me to stay, to give her a second chance. I gave a hundred. Stayed because I loved her and wanted to work through things. Instead of improving our relationship, it just gave her the freedom to do what she wanted and the security of having "someone" at home....just in case. I supported her in everything because to me that's what you do when you love someone. Guess she didn't love me because she didn't do the same. Never wanted to talk to me in Spanish. Didn't want me to work out of the home. Didn't "allow" me to keep in touch with friends in the States. Was afraid they'd convince me to move back. Lol. As a result, I ended up alone. No life outside our house. No ability to move around because I could never go anywhere by myself. Couldn't speak the language. Who did I become? I know now that's part of the reason we failed to push through. She fell in love with me because of who I was and in time, I wasn't me any more. The person I was when we met no longer existed because she didn't want it to. Me to. So here I am. We broke up while I was here in the U.S. visiting family. She was supposed to come but couldn't get a visa. I had to come alone....two & a half months apart. And it was ok at first. But then, things changed. She didn't contact me as much. Didn't answer my emails. Made no attempt to chat or Skype. I felt it. I knew. Tried to get her to talk but, as usual, she didn't want to. Asked me to stay an additional month to give her time to "figure out things". Said she wanted to make them better. We both deserved it. Then BAM! All communication cut. Cut me to the core. Never felt such pain. Next thing I knew it was over. Said she didn't want me to come back. Didn't want "this" anymore. Didn't want to talk about it. It was over. What happened?!?!?!? I still can't make sense of it. Still want to talk about it just to KNOW. Said she will send my things from there. Doesn't want to see me. Insists I don't come back. Torn as to what to do. My ticket is for Saturday. I so desperately want to go. To make her face me. To make her say these things to my face. But I love her. I respect her enough not to. Still again, is it yet another show of lack of respect for MYSELF????? I told her I wouldn't go. It would shock her to her core if I did. What to do. What to do. No one to talk to about it. Know it's something I have to decide and then live with. I feel like I need a proper end but at the same time, know it would be pointless. Stupid cliches.....If you love something....set it free.  Screw that!  Sigh.....what do I do?


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