They always made sure to tell me I wasn’t perfect. Maybe they whispered it to me while I was sleeping, or communicated it with there dry, loveless gazes. No matter how they told me it was always clear: You are flawed.
I know it, even now as I sit in this chilled, florescent lit room. I know it with every fiber of my existence, these words, they make me this way. They make me seek out the darkest places of this little, lifeless town. I haunt alleyways, and unlit corners to find other people like me, but they never come close, and I never go closer. I never let them touch me.
And everyday I write meaningless words on the steps of this chilled building I sit writing, and waiting, always waiting.
I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore. It seems so...empty. The smile, the words...the broken thoughts that scatter across my mind like fractured glass. Even the rainbow the harsh rain brings to my from door seems pointless. The colors dull, all ruined by the muddied glass of the window I’m trapped behind.
But you, I never had trouble seeing you, even if I met you through the airwaves. Your image is clear to me. I watch you as you walk by with your friends, not trapped by this dead building like I am. You like the cold, I can tell by the way your breath fills your lungs, and your shining smiling eyes take in the changing colors of fall.
You are vibrant, you are alive, you are real. And I follow you like a shadow, just trying to soak up a little life from the flavor of your smile, and the sound of your laugh. It feels like moonlight on my icy skin. I crave you.
In this dark place you look like you belong...I watch you. In and among these moving bodies, they writhe before you...begging you, pleading for you to touch them. They can have your touch, I just want your smile. I would never wish to dirty you with my imperfect taint.
I see you, the way you slowly realize I am watching...and I will you: go away from me, I beg. But you don’t, from across the moving sea of bodies your eyes search for mine...and under your gaze I am nothing, I cease to exist but for your eyes, your look, and that secret smile that just touches your lips as if you notice the way I squirm. Like your eyes are caressing my imperfection. I think I whisper aloud this time, "Look away", I beg again.
You do, eyes sliding away from my skin with a lingering warmth...electrified I sit soaking up the undeserved life that vibrates withing my body. And then you’ve disappeared within the darkness of the crowd and I mourn the lost of the vision of you.
I see you again later, through the darkness of glass and you look right at me, though I know I’m invisible to you...that you can’t see me here. Your gaze does something to within me, I can’t decide what knot you’re untangling and what your twisting up inside. And like a magnet I’m pulled out, from under the fluorescent lights of this building, and before I’m aware of it I’m standing in front of you and whispering, "I watch you,"
I say it to the air and cringe, looking anywhere but at you, and finding the ground with my eyes I feel you lean close, so close that if I just lean a little, I could touch you...I feel the warmth of you near me...the life floods me, and I hear you, "I know." You say, I can hear the smile, even if I don’t look up to see it...that would be to much: the seeing it.
You’re tainting yourself with me, I wish I’d stayed inside. You move away, walking away without a word, and you wear my taint like diamonds, making it beautiful like I never could and still I watch you, when you turn: Are you coming? Your eyes ask and I follow you, how could I refuse?
I selfishly soak up your life, even though I know I can’t have it I will go where ever you are leading me willingly. I stand by this, even now when we’re facing each other in this dirty, freezing bathroom, and I know...I know what you are asking me to do.
And I do it.
Even as I’m taking the sun from you, you take the life from me and I keep giving it to you. I’ll end here. And you’ll leave me laying here on the concrete floor, to be found tomorrow frozen, naked, bleeding, with and everlasting smile on my face. I know the truth now, all of it. I’m not perfect, I’m tainted, I’m bleeding. But you gave me what I wanted, you took me so high I couldn’t feel the pain, or the cold dirty wall at my back. Just the heat, of you within me, and the pain of **that**.
You left me smiling.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I’ll leave myself on that bathroom floor just as you did, and I know you won’t mind if I watch you. Even if you can’t see me doing it...you’ll feel me. My blood is in you, my soul, my heart, my taint.
You can’t escape me.
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