Basics of Typical Thargling Match!.

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More on thargling. We have some basics plus an actual thargling match! Emlyn Gropensteigler features at the end, arguing and fighting as usual.

Submitted: December 24, 2011

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Submitted: December 24, 2011



OUTDOOR THARGLING FOR BEGINNERS. Part 7. Basics Of A Typical Thargling Match!

You have all been waiting patiently to learn about thargling. At last I am going to reveal some of the basic facts about this fascinating pastime..............first of all the thargling pitch. and basic rules.

All sports have their playing area. Football pitch, tennis court, running track etc. Thargling is no different. A thargling pitch is very big, the size of several football pitches. This makes things difficult in a place like Hong Kong where space is at a premium. There are no thargling pitches here.

The thargling pitch has 300 holes. These are where the thargles will be placed.  Thargles have to be placed in 8 of the holes after the thargling teams have gone through a moves. Full set of all 41 thargling rules will be available in due course.

Now I will describe a typical thargling match between two top teams...Fondlers Utd and Mad Thargs.

Each thargling team has 4 team members. The two teams of tharglers take to the field with their thargles. They are then blindfolded and taken in various directions simultaneously at once! They then stand up and sit down ten times each whilst talking. This is all designed to confuse both teams. The two dazed and disorientated teams of tharglers are then taken down to the pitch car park whilst still blindfolded. On the way down, unknown persons (Fred, Jack, Tom, Dick and Harry) who are carefully selected from the general public are paid to stick pins in the tharglers as they pass by. They are known as pinstickers! This tends to upset the tharglers, but is an old thargling tradition going back at least 3 months.  The two teams are then placed in fast cars and driven at high speed towards a nearby cliff without being told. On the edge of the cliff the two cars stop just in time. Our dazed and terrified tharglers are then pulled from the cars and their blindfolds removed whilst they are standing on the edge of of a 500 feet drop. This has the desired effect as the tharglers all begin to gibber and jabber with fear! A smiling thargling oficial then asks them if they wish to to jump with or without a parachute! Laughter all round amongst spectators and officials. Hysteria amongst tharglers! Two tharglers collapse and are quickly  revived with a quick pint of brandy. They are then allowed to rest briefly for exactly 1.25 seconds. Too long, I hear you cry!

As the two teams are now warmed up, the serious stuff can now begin. They are taken to various places including a movie, a market, a restaurant, a Post Office, a garbage dump and finally a disreputable bar full of weirdos, drunks, pimps and one or two normal folks who are there by accident. The tharglers all get rolling on the ground drunk as per thargling rule number 42, and then they are dragged all the way back to the thargling pitch where a large crowd of several excited idiots are waiting with baited breath for the climax of the game. At this point, the tharglers do not where they are, who they are or why they are. They cannot stand up, walk, run or speak. even sitting down is a real!

Now the climax! The umpire (who is also semi-inebriated) spins a coin. Then he loses it. Then he finds it. Then he puts it back in his pocket. Then he spins the coin again whilst it is still in his pocket causing him some pain!.... Call heads or tails, the drunken umpire mutters, but no-one can hear him. Call heads or tails, roars the now demented, drunken and incoherent umpire. Heads or tails,  say both teams at the same time. Finally the thargling can begin. The two teams both have to find each others thargles that have been cunningly concealed by the drunken umpires whilst they were off the pitch. As the two teams are not only drunk but exhausted, they have little chance of finding 8 thargles hidden in 300 holes in the pitch. Oh yes, they're still blindfolded! They can hardly find themselves. The vast crowd (also drunk) shout encouraging shoutings such as "What are you doing, why are you here, why are we here, who are we/you, get me another bottle etc etc!" The teams crawled, staggered, reeled around the pitch groping (?) in all directions, but no thargles were found. They just kept finding each other. The air was blue with the foulest  language i.e "Good grief where am I, take your hand away, referee did you see that? may the fleas from a thousand camels infest your underwear! are your parents married" etc..... The match was declared a draw, and the supporters of Fondlers Utd and Mad Thargs also fought themselves to an honourable draw. Everyone crawled home at very low speeds. The local (sober) police applauded them on the way home! Then arrested everybody in sight for being drunk and disorderly, bad language and indecency in a public place.

The next day it was discovered that the thargles had been hidden in the umpires room. They had been bribed to ruin the match. As a punishment, they were taken to a nearby bar. And left there with no money!.........Thargling forever!!

Watch this space for more invigorating and thrilling thargling tales!

Footnote: The legendary Emlyn Gropensteigler was watching this match. He was heard arguing with various members of the crowd and later was seen fighting with all of them. He is a fanatical supporter of the Thargaplonk Utd team who weren't playing. As he once famously was heard to say "What is a thargle without a good punch-up afterwards!" He was apparently later arrested for his unruly behaviour and recently seen coaching the police thargling team in the finer points of the sport!


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