'Metal-Beat Blog,' By Deke Cockbern

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
THE definitive voice in metal!

Submitted: March 17, 2019

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Submitted: March 17, 2019

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Rejected 'Metal-Beat' Review:
 
"Readers of this blog, last night I saw the ultimate four-and-one metal band at Pounder's Hall. Four great musicians and one I-can't-describe-how-bad one, Mike (the reject clown) Stevens. Patrick Stevens, Bob Shook, Phil Collier, and Steve Oliver more than staked their claim as 'Metal-Gods' extraordinaires. But then the perception of greatness was ruined, stomped on with flaming log-shoes by the appearance of what can charitibly be described as a lumbering oaf on stilts, Mike Stevens, who was so bad, it's hard for this reporter to actually convey. He had that deer-in-the-headlights look of one of the unfortunate creatures about to be sent arcing into the ditch in a gelatinous-pile of bloody entrails, by the front grill of a Mack Truck. He embarrassed not only himself, but anyone within a three-mile radius, which encompasses two freeways. I give five stars to them all, except the singer, who I give a negative-five out of five. Let me give some learned advice to the four good members of The Under. I'd urge you other four to form your own band without the albatross of suck that is Mike Stevens holding you under in a spasm of bubbles while you sink to oblivion"
From Dilly Chassen, editor, to Deke Cockbern, not editor: "Deke, what the hell kind of downer review is this? Make it sound more positive, or you're fired, dick!"
 
'Metal-Beat Blog' With Deke Cockbern 
 
"I have to tell my readers that last night at Pounder's Hall I saw the future, and it was on fire! Five metal-clad warriors rocked the hall like no other band I've ever seen, and I've seen all the giants of the industry, Priest, AC/DC, Fellatio Gordy and The Clusters of Creation, just to name a few. It was eye-opening, wallet-opening, and downright scary how good these beasts of brilliance were. From the first punishing power chord leaping from their amps like the hounds of Hades on fire, they had their metal harpoons lodged deep into the audience's side like meat on the side of a boat. Patrick Stevens did his best imitation of a sideways Angus Young, Bob Shook ripped off solos that Satan himself would have cowered from, bassist Phil Collier and drummer Steve Oliver hammered your senses like a metrognome of evil, and Mike Stevens held the audience in the palm of his hand, reminiscent of Freddy Mercury of Queen at Live-Aid '85. He stomped around the stage like man who knew he looked good, and a man completely secure in the knowledge he was the best, and on this night, he just might have been. The interplay with the band, the foreplay tease with the audience was a marvel to behold. I cannot stress this enough, if you have to sell your blood or mother, do it, you've just got to see this amazing metal revelation!"


© Copyright 2019 Mike S.. All rights reserved.

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