Washington's Inaugural Address

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Alternative reality speeches from history

“Hey, good of you to honor me and come out and catch a glimpse of the greatest president you’ve ever had. True, I’m the first, but there will never be one greater, or as good looking, or smarter, or humble, believe me. Winning a revolution is easy, grabbing a political party by the testes and using it to bludgeon my enemies into oblivion is hard. But they hate America, believe me, and because of that reason, I’ll do it, I’m patriotic that way. Do you know how much I’m sacrificing to serve you? Millions! But, the good of our new nation trumps my personal wealth-making opportunities. I was going to market my ‘Cherry Tree Chopping Bastard!’ Tee Shirts, but, because only I can solve our problems, I’m willing to give it up for you fine people. I also know that many of you are doubting my wig is made from real hair, think my dick is migotic, and I’m an insecure little con man, but I know how great I am, so y’all suck it. You either climb aboard the Georgie horse, or believe me, you’ll be feeling Red Express’s, that’s my horse’s name, hooves upside your traitorous, anti-American head.

 

You know, many people would love for me to declare myself president for life, and I think that’s a great idea, would you like to see that? How does Georgistan instead of America sound? (Pause for wild cheering and sustained applause) Just a reminder, there’s quilled pens with my signature on them, posters I’ve signed with my likeness, suitable for framing, signed tri-corner hats, bibles I’ve signed, Geogie brand grog jars, and Georgie brand slop jars available for sale from the traveling Georgie Shop on wheels parked just outside 1776 Hall. And now, my fellow Americans, I’ve got to begin presidenting, so I’ll take my leave. Be sure to follow me in The Federal Fox Drudge Newspaper.”

 

 

 


Submitted: August 16, 2019

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hullabaloo22

Very educational, Mike, but even more amusing!

Fri, August 16th, 2019 4:41pm

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Thanks, Hull!

Fri, August 16th, 2019 10:05am

jmm424

Fun read. Nice job, Mike.

Sun, August 18th, 2019 4:56am

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Thanks, Janeen!

Sun, August 18th, 2019 9:43am

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