A Visit From St. Nick, Or Is It? Poem

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses

A 2nd Amendment Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

I'm lying awake with my double-pump shotgun, all the lights have been doused

My protection is hung around my neck with great care

Anyone pretending to be Santa had better beware

My money's all snuggled in a coffee can,

This time I'll be waiting; it won't happen again

Visions of attempted larceny dance in my head

I'm laying on pins and needles, here in my bed

The blond that I met at the bar; don't ask me her name,

Slept in her underwear beside me, but I'm too wired to do the same,

When out on the lawn arose such a clatter

It sounded like some stupid son of a bitch was raising a ladder

I so wanted to explode the window with a 'flash!',

But I figured any action yet would be a bit rash

I'd wait until the bastard was inside; then I couldn't miss

Then the dumb-shit thief, my ass he could kiss

Then by the light of the moon reflecting off the new fallen snow,

I'd fill that stupid son of a bitch so full of holes;

When what to my paranoid eyes did appear,

I'm not sure, cause I was so full of fearIt appeared to be a fat man dressed like some sort of clown

Well, whatever he was, he wouldn't be hanging around

Very much longer; I cocked the trigger with a shaking hand

And gave him both barrels and double pumped the man

He flew backwards in a spray of red;

He tried to hold his guts in, but soon he was dead

I turned on the light; the bimbo was screaming

In through the window the streetlight was beaming

The dead guy had been carrying some sort of bag

Before I sent him to Hell; inside were presents with a tag

I picked one up and read the inscription

"To Freddy from Santa"; inside was a box of shells and a subscription

To 'Hair-Trigger Protection Magazine'; just what I wanted

Even so, my unshakable belief in fire arms continued on undaunted

I don't believe he was actually who he said he was

I know this, because I saw it on Fox News, and, because

They're the only network that tells me the truth,

I never listen to anything else to learn what to do

He was probably from the government; come to take my guns

I heard it on Fox; they'll keep tightening the laws until our rights are done,

Leaving people like me defenseless,

If you ask me and Fox News; so damn senseless!,

And leaving the emperor in the White House free to carry out his plan,

And that is to have total control over all the land

I went to the reefer and opened a beer,

And not just any beer, malt liquor's in here!

In the meantime, Blondie has fled

I'm proud of my actions this night, pretend Santa is dead, dead, dead!










Submitted: December 12, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:



Guns, Christmas, mayhem and murder. All my favorite things! Might be a Merry Christmas after all!

Thu, December 18th, 2014 3:32pm


Yeah, I tried to tug on the old heart-strings with this one; Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and urine (I know, "get a new line!")

Thu, December 18th, 2014 9:28am

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