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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
Histogram returns!

Submitted: February 27, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 27, 2016



Bard Histogram was pissed! He'd just quit his anchor job for Certain Numbness Network less than a week ago, after he'd been told to act enthused about yet-another story about the 2016 political race--the exact same thing they'd already covered, and re-covered, and re-covered, and so on, to infinity. Frankly, it was embarrassing. Apparently, the people who pulled the strings at the network had no shame. All they cared about were ratings, and someone must have been watching, although he wondered just who, because all the people he knew were sickened by the incessant over-coverage of what amounted to nothing. So now everything was a mess. His whole life, all he'd ever wanted to be was a journalist, and, because Certain Numbness Network was going the non-journalistic route, he was dorked. He slumping his way into his penthouse condo, grabbed a beer from the refrigerator, changed his mind, and grabbed the entire half rack, and walked over to the couch. He figured he'd need more than one beer, and somewhere less than twelve, although the way he was feeling, twelve may not be enough.


Immediately after sitting, and before he could open his first beer, the phone rang. He swore, took the cell phone out of his pocket, and answered.

"Hello, Histogram speaking."

"Hello, Mr. Histogram, how are you today?"

"Not for shit--what with dicks such as yourself calling. Look, I don't need a miracle electronic shit-stain remover, or whatever useless bullshit it is you're trying to pawn off us loser-people, okay?" and he angrily hung up. It figured it was a sales-dick after the shit day he'd had, and it being the middle of the afternoon, who else would it be but a sales-dick? And he sure as hell wasn't in the mood to listen to yet-another huckster selling yet-another tits-on-a-boar product. All he wanted was several beers, and to be left alone. Then, the phone rang again as he was twisting off the cap to his first one, and he angrily slammed it down on the side table. Immediately, at did a great imitation of the fountain outside of Caesar's Palace in Vegas, foaming over the top. "Shit!" he screamed, and hissed into the phone,

"Oh, for Christ's sake! I told you to leave me alone--I'm not even remotely interested in buying whatever crap it is that you're selling!"

There was a pause on the other end, then, "Ah, hello, Bard, this is Hal Boston."

Oh, great, Boston's call was almost as unwelcome of as that of the Used Car Salesman Dick-Guy he'd just hung up on. "Now is not a good time, Hal--let me unwind a little before I talk to you, or I'm liable to call you a dick-weed, or worse, so I'm hanging up!"

"Wait! Don't hang up. I've been thinking, you have a long history of reporting for this station, and the viewers have been letting us know they miss your insightful commentary."

"Let's cut the crap--your rating have been hemorrhaging since Spooner took over, and you're desperate to stop the bleeding, am I right?"

"Oh, you're right, we'd need a telescope just to see our ratings, and even then you could only know they're there by the gravitational pull from our advertising money circling the drain."

"Well, I knew it couldn't be because the viewers missed my reporting. Spooner's a snoozer-loser. First of all, why should I come back? And second of all, if I do return, what's in it for me?"

"Cut right to the chase, don't you?"

"Well, I don't believe in dancing around the bullshit bush!"

"Okay, here's our offer--"

"You drive a hard bargain, but okay."

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, I'll come back."


Bard looked around him, and thought, what the hell am I doing? He was about to go back on the air for Certain Numbness Network, and the same old shit still applied. His guest would be Senator Gil Faruthian, (R) and he'd say all the meaningless B.S., and put on his kneepads so he could kiss voters' asses. And, the voters would cling to him like a delusional person believes they are the reincarnation of someone famous. Faruthian's talking point was much the same as the inexplicable front runner for the Republicans, except not only was he advocating the building of a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, he was claiming that if he were fortunate enough to win the nomination and be elected president, not only would he wall off the Mexican border, he'd personally build a wall around the entire country, and charge admission to those few deemed worthy of entry. I wish you'd charge admission to the clown-circus you guys are running in this campaign, cause I doubt many people would be willing to pay! he thought to himself, as his producer gave him the countdown to air time. Here we go! and before he could think another thought, he was watching the light on top of the camera come to life, and he was on air.

"Hello, America, this is your host, Bard Histogram, for what promises to be an incredible sixteen hours of brand-new, uncovered facts about the 2016 presidential race (uncovered, my ass! These babies have been thrashed more than a seventy pound puss-man taking on Mike Tyson!) that you may not have heard yet (if you're on board a rocket circling Neptune!). Lets get right to it. My guest to begin this first hour is the second-leading presidential candidate on the Republican side, (and a fellow crazy bastard!), Senator Gil Faruthian, from the great state of Mississippi. Welcome to the program, Senator."

"Thank you, Bard, great to be here."

"Senator, let me be frank..."

"Alright, you can be Frank--you are free to be whoever you want, in this, the nation blessed with freedom!"

"No, (no, try to follow me, Senator--I know it's difficult for you!) I meant candid. You've advocated building a wall around, not just the Mexican border, but around the entire U.S. How do you propose to pay for it?"

"Okay, Bard, even though that's a 'gotcha' question, I'd like to answer."

"Okay, go ahead."

"No, I said I'd like to answer, but I'm here today to talk about the greatest hoax perpetrated against the American people, ever, and that's the preposterous idea that mankind has anything to do with so-called 'global warming.' Give me a hand job and call it love!"

"Senator, watch your language!" (shit, it's like babysitting a four year old!)

"Well, pardon me! Look, the American people have been treated like children by the current administration long enough. I think it's high time to level with them, and call it 'bullshit!' when their being fed what this administration is claiming to be a truth sandwich!"

"Alright, Senator, since you won't keep a civil tongue in your head, we'll take an early commercial break, and when we come back, the foul-mouthed Senator will no longer be with us."

"What? Why, this is an outrage! Just another example of the lame-stream media. You know, say what you want about Palin (no, that's too easy!), but she nailed that one!"

"And, were off!"

"Senator, that was pathetic. How hard is it to watch your language? Boy the rude crazies are really coming out of the wood work--where did you morons come from?"  

"Oh, oh! I guess we're not off the air."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I thought I pushed the right button, but I guess not. We're still live!"

"Well, shit, get us off the air!"

"Ah ha! Who's swearing like a --"

"Oh, shut up, in-breeder!"


The End






© Copyright 2020 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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