By Mike Stevens
Captain John Sculley was a little groggy. You try sleeping for 7 years, and let's see you leap to your feet and dance the Charleston; it just can't be done! He'd been in stasis for so long, because the distance traveled into the heavens was immense! That would have been a lot of games of solitaire, hence the sleep! He looked groggily around, until his eyes came to rest on the stasis pod which held the beautiful, slumbering form of his #1 right-hand women, Darla Tusk. Darla was hot, and he wanted to wake her from her sleep to have something to look at besides looking out the window at trillions of miles of empty space. Next to her stasis pod, was the pod of Garth Willy, and Sculley briefly fantasized about unplugging the life support to his pod, and claiming a malfunction when the lid to his pod was opened, and Darla saw the dehydrated mound of ex-spaceman that would be left, but decided quickly against that course of action, no matter how personally satisfying it would be. He twisted the dial on the outside of Darla's pod, and slowly, he could see her stir through the window of her stasis pod, turned the dial that would awaken her. At last she opened her beautiful green eyes, licked her ruby-red lips (Sculley wondered briefly how her make-up was still perfect, before zeroing in on those magic lips!), and gazed out at Sculley. He opened the pod, and her long, tanned legs (once again, he wondered about that fact) climbed out, followed by the rest of her lusciousness.
'Is it hot in here, or is it just Space Fever?' he thought to himself.
She looked at him, stretched (oh baby!), and spoke her first words in 7 years,
"Are we there yet?"
Now that Darla was fully awake, it was time to awaken Garth Willy. Sculley listened to the silence of the ship (Darla was being quiet), and cringed while he twisted the knob to awaken the absolute b*****d who was Garth Willy. Garth moved a little as the pressure equalized, then opened his eyes, and stared daggers through John Sculley. S**t-o-dear! Look at his beady little eyes already spewing hatred! He reluctantly lifted the lid to Garth's stasis pod, and it stopped running.
"It's about fricking time! I thought you'd forgot about me in here!"
"Garth, there's no way you could have felt the passage of time. Hell, I just got woken up by the computer, and I had been asleep for the same amount of time, and I was totally unaware."
"Yeah, but that's how you always are, so you're used to it. Not so, those of us who think, I'm telling you, I could sense every mile of our journey so far."
"Believe what you want! Ah, Commander Tusk, I see you're awake; Where's our orange nutritional, artificially-flavored vitamin-replacement liquid?"
"You know where the galley is; get off your dead a** and get it yourself!"
Garth stared hatred at her, and replied, "Well, someone woke up a trillion-mile b***h! I didn't want a woman along, and this is why; you don't seem to know your place, Darla! Women are only good for two things; you can probably guess what the 1st one is, and the 2nd is to cook and clean!"
"And you won't be getting either from me, so screw off, Little Willy!"
Willy seemed to turn beet-red and shake with rage. "You see, Sculley, why I have a problem with a chick as a shipmate?"
' Why do I even put up with this clown?' thought John Sculley.
The next day, after thinking about it for a long night, Sculley had made up his mind. The thought of the many hours, being cooped up with Garth Willy proved to much.
"Garth? I tell you what; I need someone to do a space walk outside, and clean off the main viewing window."
"What? I'm not going out there! It's cold and dark, and if something happens to the tether, I'll be floating quite a ways, until some planet or sun pulls me in with its gravity, and some alien bastard makes a wish upon seeing my flaming carcass shoot across the sky, for like 10 seconds!"
'That's the plan!' thought Sculley. "Fine, I'll just write in my log that Garth Willy refused a direct order from his captain!"
"Fine, you authoritarian b*****d! I'll do it, but I'm none too happy about it!"
Garth Willy dragged the tether that was all that stood between him, and his becoming a bag of bones floating forever through space, over to the hatch.
"For the record, this idea of yours is sucked!"
"Yeah, yeah, I suck! Now here's you bottle of Windex. I'll be watching you the whole time, and if you run into any trouble, just signal me with a wave, and I'll reel you back in."
"Oh, you mean like this?"
"No, I mean a wave using all your fingers!"
The figure of Garth Willy floated in front of the viewing screen. As Sculley watched him, he thought,
' What a stupid space-moron! Doesn't he know that Windex won't work? Hello, you're in a vacuum; duh!'
It was a good thing he was so stupid, for once! Sculley walked to where the tether was tied, and, looking right at Garth Willy, he untied it and walked to the hatch. As he was opening it, on the interior speakers, Garth Willy could be heard screaming,
"Sculley, you space-d**k; this is murder!" Sculley stood waving at Willy, as he threw the end of the tether out into the void.
When Darla Tusk, who'd been sleeping, awoke and walked out of her private quarters, she looked around in confusion and asked where Garth Willy was.
"Oh, he just went for a space walk, and hasn't returned yet," 'and he never will!'
Suddenly, there was a loud rapping on the hatch door.
'Oh no! How could this be?' thought John Sculley.
Darla Tusk ran to the hatch and opened it, and John Scully's eyes couldn't quite believe what the site that greeted them. For there, unbelievably, was Garth Willy, stepping through the hatch!
"Garth; but how!" said a stunned John Sculley.
"Have you ever heard of magnetic boots moron, sir?"
It looked like it was going to be one long trip back!
John Sculley glanced at the two occupied stasis pods. He himself was in no hurry to get back to Earth, for obvious reasons! He would have cut off life support to d**k head Garth Willy's pod, but somehow, Willy had rigged it so anyone touching his stasis pod would receive a lethal jolt of electricity. B*****d! Sculley morosely looked out the viewing screen, as every hour brought Battleaxica closer to his doom!
© Copyright 2016 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
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