Commander Joe

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
Dude who likes to get HIGH above the Earth!

Submitted: September 05, 2012

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Submitted: September 05, 2012



Commander Joe

By Mike Stevens

The sun glittered a brilliant light into the Spaceship Two’s astronauts' faces, as their space craft headed away from the blue sphere know as Earth and headed to a newly-discovered planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, as-yet unnamed. Commander Joe Sparkler, like the rest of his crew, settled back in his seat, contoured exactly to his body, and thought about the journey ahead. They were on their way to map and explore the unknown planet. Ever since they had landed on, and mapped, every planet in the solar system with actual land, NASA scientists and engineers had been bored s******s. Then they had discovered this planet, and it was goodbye, boredom. They needed a crew, and as it was Sparkler’s turn, he was automatically chosen to command the mission. Unknown planet, get ready, because here comes Joe Sparkler!

They were halfway there, and the crew was growing restless. Joe Sparkler was trying to think of a way to keep them entertained. As they were weightless, and carried no alcohol, a drinking game where you tried to flip a quarter into another’s glass was out of the question. He had just about given up on thinking of something to do to help pass the time, when fellow astronaut Fred Match piped up with,

“Say, fellows, I’ve been saving this for later, but I’d say now would be the proper time. Seeing how we’re already bored stiff, I brought this,” and he whipped bag full of marijuana out of his luggage.

Sparkler reprimanded him with “Match, that s**t had no place out here, although the more I think about it, it would sure help us pass the time a little more pleasantly, and who’ll find out? Make us a joint and fire that puppy up!”

Six months had passed, it seemed like a blur, and seeing as how the 3 astronaut’s got stoned every day, it probably was to them! They were nearing their objective: the unknown planet. As they approached the planet, the third member of the crew, Doc Green (an appropriate name for the medical specialist) suddenly burst out laughing, for seemingly no reason. Sparkler asked,

“What’s so funny?”

Green replied, “Nothing, absolutely nothing.”

“Then can it, Mister Green,” added Sparkler.

“Is there any candy in our supplies?” inquired Green.

Sparkler then said, “I’m kind of hungry, too, but we finished the candy months ago, don’t you remember?”

Green responded, “Oh, that’s right, I forgot.”

Then out their window, was the planet.

“Look, it’s so beautiful,” said Match in wonder.

“We get to name it, being out here first, you guys have any ideas?” asked Sparkler.

Match replied, “How about Hemponia?

Sparkler then said, “Unless there’s a complaint, Hemponia it is.”

There hadn’t been a complaint, so Hemponia it was. They had stayed in orbit for a week, and now it was time to head home. They had smoked all the weed, and now faced the depressing prospect of the long journey back to Earth with none. Already, tempers were flaring.

“Okay, morons, time to rocket our way back home. Do you think you two idiots can keep your lame comments to yourself?” Sparkler asked.

Match looked at Green and replied, “Look, just because we’re out of pot, there’s no reason to take it out on us.”

Sparkler thought for a moment, then responded, “You’re absolutely right. Just because I’m stuck in this flying tin can with you two droolers, for millions of miles is no reason to take it out on you, please, I’m sorry!”

They had somehow made it back to Earth, without teeing off on one another, and were set to reenter Earth’s atmosphere. Sparkler said,

"That’s one voyage that taught us a valuable lesson.”

“What’s that?” asked Doc Green.

Sparkler replied “For such a long journey, more marijuana is essential!”

Commander Joe Sparkler was summoned to an emergency meeting of MTNHOSE, or the More Than Nominal Heads of Space Exploration. MTNHOSE, Sparkler was told, needed his help. They had sent out a crew manning a rocket on a top-secret mission, and now, for unknown reasons, the top-secret crew was in grave danger. It seems they were in need of rescue, and Commander Joe’s team of astronauts was all ready to launch, so NASA had decided , instead of going on their scheduled mission, which was going back to Hemponia, they would be diverted to help save the crew of Spaceship 3.

They had been on a covert mission for the United States, to secretly install lasers on Mars, with which America could fight their next war, and have a big-time advantage. When the USA got into a major disagreement with another country, instead of fighting a conventional war, they would fire the death laser at said country, and ‘zap’, no more country! But Spaceship 3 had failed to top off their tank before leaving Earth, and had run out of fuel thousands of miles short.

Joe Sparkler, Fred Match, and Doc Green were again in space, and headed for what was to be referred to as ’Point Z’, code for Spaceship 3. On their last journey, to the planet they had named Hemponia (which had been renamed a more appropriate Greysphere by MTNHOSE), after doing mass pot, and this trip would be no exception. As soon as they reached orbit, Fred Match whipped out a large zip-lock bag, in which were kept many pre-rolled joints.

“Yeah, let the good times roll,” said Doc Green.

“Now, you guys keep your voices down. I’m calling mission control, and I don’t want them to hear a wild party going on up here. This is supposed to be serious,” warned Commander Joe Sparkler.

The crew of Commander Joe’s rocket, Spaceship 2, had at last reached the stranded Spaceship 3, and was trying to dock with that ship, in order to offload the stranded crew. Only Commander Joe, who was also the pilot, was having trouble seeing clearly. His blurry red eyes couldn’t see d**k, so he opened his emergency bottle of saline, and squirted a goodly amount into his eyes. After wiping away the tears, he could at last see, and docked without further incident.

After they opened the hatch, Spaceship 3’s commander, Gary Baker, shouted,

“Boy, are you guys a sight for sore eyes!”

Sparkler thought, you have no idea how right you are, but replied only, “Hey dudes, your white knights have arrived. Do you guys need a ride home?”

“Eh, ha, ha, do we ever!” answered Baker.

They were all crammed into a space meant for 3 people, and the 6 of them were cramped. Baker and his 2 crewmen, were gazing out the window at the stars, when Baker suddenly said,

“If I didn’t know any better, I could swear it smells like pot in here.”

Sparkler knew they were busted, so he said, “Oh, you guys know what a boring drag space-flight can be. We just got bored on our way to rescue you guys, and, well, we broke out the marijuana to make the time pass a little quicker.” He expected Baker to be incensed, but instead came,

“Cool! We’d like a toke, if you have any left.”

They were almost home, back to Earth, and had run out of pot, because of the extra three guys partaking, and they all were a little down. Commander Joe Sparkler thought if he should say anything, then decided to say,

“I was saving this to celebrate a successful mission, but, what the hell!” From his travel bag, he pulled out a bottle of 180-proof liquor.

“All right, continue the party,” exclaimed Commander Baker.

The blue water of the Pacific Ocean broke over the small capsule of Spaceship 2. They had successfully splashed down, their mission was over. Commander Joe Sparkler had a hangover, something fierce. As soon as they were onboard the aircraft carrier that had plucked them from the sea, the captain came up to Sparkler and said,

“No one can know where you’ve really been, of course, but the president wants to personally congratulate you,” and started to hand a phone to Sparkler.

“Ah, I can’t talk right now,” and he proceeded to the edge of the flight deck, where he spewed. Only he had made the mistake of turning his head into the wind, and was soon covered in puke. S**t!

They were pushed back into their seats as the immensely-powerful rocket pushed Spaceship Two into orbit around the Earth. From there, they would be launched out into deep space, on their mission to return to Greyshere, a newly-discovered planet out beyond Pluto, in the frozen depths of deep space. They were returning to the planet they had named Hemponia, but had been changed by a MTNHOSE with no sense of humor, to a very-simple Greyspere. Wow! That name sure captured the essence of the place, not to mention the imagination of an entire planet.

Anyway, the three astronauts were traveling the immense distance, and had one again brought along some anti-boredom supplies. Their usual zip-lock baggie full of pre-made marijuana cigarettes, and a bottle of 180-proof liquor. As the crew was availing themselves of these, Sparkler spoke up.

“All right, men, Commander Joe has got a surprise,” and he whipped out a baggie full of magic mushrooms. “Fresh from my neighbor’s horse pasture,” he went on to say.

After eating a piece of dry bread, with the mushrooms inside, they all sat back to enjoy the effect. It wasn’t a very tasty way to ingest them, but the usual way, making a tea out of them, was out of the question. It seemed like not 20 minutes later, they had arrived at the planet.

Not possible, Commander Joe thought to himself. But then again, maybe time had lost all meaning. He had lost track of years because of the mushrooms magical effects. He trained the telescope on the planet’s surface, and saw something incredible, a big-a** city, with grass, trees, and, most amazing of all, dudes walking around! No way, it must be freezing, and there was no air. How did the people even survive, let alone build anything, in this hostle of an environment? Suddenly, he saw streaks of light going all around Spaceship 2. They were being fired on!

“Men, we’re under attack from the surface. Initializing evasive maneuvers.”

Fellow astronaut Doc Green yelled, “Wake up, Commander, damn it, wake up!”

He’d hallucinated the whole thing. He had awoken to find the concerned face of Doc Green peering down at him.

“Are you okay, Commander?”

What the hell was going on? Where the hell was he? “Sure, I’m fine, Doc. What’s the deal? Did we evade the missiles?”

“What missiles?” he asked.

“Why, the missiles the dudes down on Greyshere fired at us.”

“Commander, we won’t reach Greysphere for years.”

Commander Joe’s head was spinning. “Green, what’s today’s date?”

Green looked concerned, and replied, “November 12, 2112, why?”

He responded, “Then, I guess the trip to the planet didn’t already go by. I thought we had already arrived.”

“In your drug-induced hallucination,” interjected Fred Match.

Green then said, “Arrived? Not a chance. We haven’t even made it beyond Jupiter, yet. No, I wish we were there, but we’re not.”

At last, home at last! Spaceship 2 had made it out to Greysphere and back. Commander Joe Sparkler was going into another line of work, for he couldn’t take the endless hours and mindless boredom of space travel.

The End

© Copyright 2018 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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