Fizzo Jobhernia, Part One

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
The Monitor-Lizard Men return!

Submitted: August 01, 2014

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Submitted: August 01, 2014

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Fizzo Jobhernia slumped down onto the carpet of the home he had busted his hump to be able to afford.  The job he held as a sergeant in The Herkonian Military paid slightly less than jack shit, so day-to-day survival wasn't easy; had never been easy; in fact he was so broke he couldn't afford even the most basic of furniture, let alone some of the more fancy creature comforts.  He had just returned home from a mission on Earth, where he oversaw his squad's eradication of the pathetic vermin who occupied that miserable, insignificant blue-green sphere.  Personally, he thought it was a waste of time, as there were other, less crowded planets, with say, zero intelligent beings on it (not that Earth was any different!), but he had his orders.  It had been a suck-ass job made all-the-more suck-ass by a suck-ass soldier by the name of Fallopian Quasarski.  Apparently, he saw himself as some sort of Avenging Angel, taking the responsibility of telling every ordinary Herkonian all the secrets of the state.  What  a throbbing tool!  As Fizzo lay in the middle of his rented house's floor, he thought, and not for the first time, maybe it was time to find a new job, although he had absolutely no idea of what.  The Herkonian military was all he'd done since dropping out of school and joining just after 6th grade.

 

******

 

Well, he'd done it, resigned from the military and taken this job; selling used hovercraft.  He'd always been good with his tongue (that's what she said!) so he figured he'd be good at it.  Today was his first day and he had his first potential sale, as a guy had wandered on the lot and was kicking the landing skies of several models.  He popped a Lizard-Lozenge, a kind of breath mint, straitened his tie, or at least what passed for a Herkarian tie, and hurried from his office.  As he approached the guy, he said,

"Hello there, friend, you look like you are interested in purchasing one of these fine hovercrafts."

"Well, in truth, I'm just looking.  I really can't afford them."

"Well, we offer financing, so you'll be able to fly away in one of these babies today!"

"My credit is terrible."

"Well, why don't you take one for a test flight, and if you like it, I'll talk to my manager and see what we can do."

"If you think I even have a chance, okay."

"Great, why don't you try this one?" he said, pointing to a two door model that was nearby.  He had already sized the guy up and decided he looked like a typical young Herkonian, attracted to a sporty model.

"Well, personally, I'd love it, but the missus would kill me if I came home with something like this."

Oh!   "How about something like this one over here?"

"That's more like it, a four door; with six little mouths to feed on the way, we'll need the extra room."

"Six?  So you're both expecting?"

"Children?  Yeah, I guess you could say that, but the only thing I'm expecting is taking a lot of cold showers, if you know what I mean!"

No, he didn't know what the guy meant, but he decided to act as if he did; how clean did a dude have to be that he would take more than one shower?  Maybe the guy was so cheap, he didn't want to pay for the electricity?  "Yeah, and why don't you hop in behind the controls and see what you think?"

 

******

After spending most of the morning with the guy, he'd finally decided he liked it and wanted to try for a loan.  Fizzo had all of the guy's credit info, and told his boss, Dak E (the salesmen called him Slime-Y behind his back; Fizzo wondered if that was his first, last, or entire name?") to run a credit check on the guy.

 


© Copyright 2020 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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