Freak-Asses!; Smiling Toy Shop story # 5

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
Another Smiling Toy Shop Tale! Please read in order, # 1 on up!

Submitted: May 04, 2013

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Submitted: May 04, 2013






By Mike Stevens

A Smiling Toy Shop Tale


Into the car he was thrown; shit, you little bastard; take it easy; stop treating my ass like a punching bag! Jasper thought.  Granted, Cozycottage, or Cotty for short, didn’t even suspect that he was alive, but come on; have some respect for your toys, after all, toys are people too; he’d just made that up on the spot, but it sounded like very wise words.


They had arrived at Cozycottage’s house.  A woman came out of the door, and said,

“There’s my 2 brave men; home from the wars.”

Oh shit; another winner, Cotty, I feel your pain.  With these two freaks as your parents, you have zero chance of normalcy! 

“Hi, Gondola, my dear.” replied Daddy.


“Hi, Machooff.”

Machooff?  Suddenly, Cozycottage sounds like John Smith.

“Mom, look what Dad got for me,” and suddenly Jasper felt like The Spirit of St. Louis of teddy bears, as he was thrown across the yard, with no warning, towards Gondola, who promptly missed him, and he crashed and skidded painfully across the sidewalk.

“Ouch, you sons of bitches!” he exclaimed. 

All 3 of them of them stepped back in terror, and Jasper continued, “I sure could use a cigarette, does anyone have one? I didn’t get mine before I was dumped into the recycle bin for ‘2nd Chance Outlet Store’.  Thank you, by the way, for getting me out of that miserable hell hole."

All three just stared open-mouthed at him.  “What, are you freaks speechless all of a sudden?  You all had several interesting things to say just a minute ago; I thought you’d never shut up.  Gondola, baby, come on, say hi to old Jasper, and by the way; Gondola?  Your parents must have been total new age losers to saddle you with that name.  And you, Machoof, what can I say?  ‘All aboard for Freakville’.  So, you two space cadets with the stupidest names of all time, get together and shatter the record with, wait for it, a kid named Cozycottage.  Kid, with a name like that, you’ve got absolutely no shot.  It’s like your parents started you off on the road of life with a chain wrapped around your axle,  You’re going nowhere.  Cozycottage?  What were you two freaks thinking?”

Now, the shock of carrying on a conversation with a teddy bear was replaced with anger.  “Look, you furry bastard, If you must know, it’s a name that reminds us of where Cozycottage was conceived.”

“Honey,” exclaimed Gondola, “the boy’s right here!”

“Whoa, too much information, there, Machoof!  Besides, the kid would have to be awfully dense to not have figured it out.  What about it kid, are you totally dense?”

“Why you sawed-off, foul-mouthed little bastard!” and Jasper suddenly felt his head cave in as Dad sent a roundhouse right fist crashing into the side of his face.  Jasper was air born, pin wheeling backwards into the yard, where he landed and bounced several times; cart wheeling, and winding up face down on the grass.  He lay stunned for several seconds, then thought,

It’s mumbo-jumbo time!


Machoof slowly returned to the world.  What had happened; where was he?  Gondola and Cozycottage lay near by, unmoving.  Machoof cried out,

“Oh my God; not them; honey, Cotty, speak to me!”

Gondola and Cozycottage both stirred, and Gondola groggily said, “Wwwhhhaaattt hhhaaappppppeeennnddd?”

“Oh, thank God; Gondola, and Cozycottage, I thought you were both gone!”

“Wwwhhhaaattt happened, Dad?” said Cotty.

“I’m not sure, but while I was out, I had the weirdest dream; I was having a heated conversation with your teddy bear, Cotty, and got so mad, I smacked him; imagine, a teddy ear!”

Both Gondola and Cozycottage kept the fact they’d both had similar dreams to themselves.  It was too weird.


Jasper had thought a lot about what he wanted to do now.  Somehow, he’d find his way back to The Smiling Toy Shop; sure, Mr. Vesta was an idiot shit head, and there was the pecker children to deal with, but all-in-all, it wasn’t so bad.  It beat being cold-cocked by a guy named Machoof!


The End

















































© Copyright 2019 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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