Private Dick; Chapter 33

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
The chapter immediately following chapter 32!

Submitted: October 28, 2014

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Submitted: October 28, 2014



I'm totally lost (what do you mean, "you're not surprised?), and I may have posted this before, so if so, you have the author's permission to stop reading, and shaking your head in disgust!


I was in a panic, sure that every noise was this Gary Faustino breaking in the use my face as a door stop.  I had to get out of town, quickly and quietly.  I started throwing my clothes in a suitcase, all the while desperately trying to come up with a plan.  I heard a thump on the front porch and my heart did a swan dive in my chest.  I crept to the curtains covering the front window and slowly, ever so slowly, pulled them aside a sliver.  Barley ruffling them, I squinted and looked out, fearing the worst.  Instead of an angry red-faced Gary Faustino all I saw was the rolled-up newspaper lying on the stoop.  I immediately relaxed and started breathing again.  I know it wasn't very smart, but I wanted that paper so I took a chance; I opened the door, sure that he'd be waiting for me, but saw nothing but the paper with the headline,

"Notorious mafia king pin and his enforcer/lover arrested," blinking in neon black and white.  I scooped up the paper and ran back inside, half expecting to feel the stinging pain of an assassin's bullet as it tore into my body, but there was nothing.I slammed the door behind me and quickly scanned the article. 

"Notorious Mob boss Salvador "The Staggering Weasel" Boxoni, number 456 on the FBI's most wanted list, was arrested today along with his 'masseuse', Bongo Paressi, in a sting months in the making.  If convicted of racketeering and money-laundering charges the two men each face up to thirty years in prison.  Well known in gender neutral circles, Boxoni is head of the Boxoni crime family, which was started in the war years by his father, Caloni.  Caloni was a fly-under-the-radar type of leader, preferring not to draw attention to himself, but his son Salvador, who assumed control after the passing of his father, likes the glitz and glamour of being the head of a criminal empire and often throws lavish parties attended by celebrities and politicians.  Control of the family is reputed to fall into the hands of his nephew Larry.  The future is far from certain and...."The article continued but I had stopped reading.  All I could think of was, Iamsaved!Val Clarkson had been granted a reprieve.Suddenly I felt like hitting the town.I grabbed my suit jacket and literally did a hop, skip, and a jump, light on the skipping!


A few days after Giant Neck had threatened to make dick chowder out of me, I was doing my usual when the phone rang. 

"Damn, off you go Miss Usual," I shook my head, pole vaulted her clear, and picked up the receiver,

"Clarkson Investigations, we aim to please," I said.

"Don't you believe it!" Miss Usual shouted.

I gave her a dirty look that said, "Fill out a complaint and get in line, baby!" 

"The mystery voice on the other end of the line chirped, "Hello?"

"Yes, I'm sorry, my secretary was confused about taking dictation."  She frowned and gave me the Usual look and rolled off the bed and reached for her clothes.  I tried to signal for her to stay with my eyes but apparently she somehow missed it because she continued getting dressed.  I had decided to hire a secretary; maybe that had been wishful thinking but two words were enough to talk me into it; Roxanne Easy.  That's her name, I shit you not.  Meanwhile, the mystery voice continued droning,

"Yes, I need someone to..."

"Whoa, let me stop you right there; this bat doesn't swing both way!"

There was a long moment of dead air then the mystery voice said, "Huh?"

I then figured I had cut him off too soon so I answered, "Nothing; now what did you need?"

"My name is Wiley Baxter and I want my wife followed discreetly."

"Well, I usually follow someone wearing a neon orange sweater and announcing through a megaphone that I'm following them but I guess for you I can make an exception."  I was hot; who was this asshole to tell me how to tail someone?  "no, that's how I always follow someone."

"Good; glad to hear it; so anyway I have reason to believe my wife is stepping out on me."

I assumed he meant cheating, not clog dancing; "Give me the particulars and I'll see what's up with her."  The sound of the slamming front door told me Miss Usual had gone.  She wasn't much of a secretary but lordy, what a body!


Great, another follow the cheater case! I thought as I sat in my car outside Mrs. Cheater's house waiting for her to leave or some scummy pervert in a raincoat to show up here.  Mr. Baxter was gone to work and Mrs. Baxter was alone in the house.  So far this stakeout had been uneventful, unless you counted the nosy neighbor knocking on my window and demanding to know what I was doing there.  I kicked into high gear on the lying train, telling her I was a grass and soil inspector with the city inspecting her yard to make sure the grass wasn't lopsided.  It sounded completely ridiculous but Mrs. Nosy must have bought it because she trooped back towards her house like someone who had purchased my bullshit.  I absolutely hated these bullshit cases but hey, a guy has to eat and a guy needed recreational drugs to escape the pressures of this job.  My drug of choice was alcohol, and the more the better, so here I was.

I was struggling to keep my eyes open and losing (I don't know how long I'd been asleep but I was jolted awake when my forehead recoiled off of the steering wheel), when a car pulled up in front of the Baxter home and I'd say about six feet of idiot got out and bounded up the steps to the front door, rang the bell, and stood there like a moron who's waiting for the door to open.  I couldn't tell much about him as he wore a fedora rakishly pulled down over his eyes, but judging by the suit he wore that must have been a bad joke, the guy must have been like me, a dick for hire.  Just then the front door opened and I could immediately tell that the carpet matched the drapes on Mrs. Baxter, for she was wearing nothing but a smile.  She appeared to squeal and Mr. Gigolo and she disappeared behind the closing door.  I grabbed my camera and exited my car, sprinting across the road, which was lightly travelled at this hour, and made into the cover of some shrubbery outside what I had already determined to be the Baxter's bedroom window. 


I gazed through a crack in the curtains and saw just what I'd expected to find.  This was the wrong room.  Damn!  I knew  it was a little too convenient!  I looked down the side of the house and saw another window with another bit of shrubbery in front of the window so I rolled across the grass over to the window; damn, somebody had a dog!  Thinking about it now, if I had it to do over again, and knowing what I did now, I'd have skipped the rolling in the grass part, but oh well!Anyway, I stuck my head up through the tangle of branches until I could see into the window.  There they were!  These pictures were going to shock Mr. Baxter and the thought of maybe keeping a copy for myself crossed my mind when suddenly I was startled by a voice telling me he was police and to exit the shrubbery with my hands up.  Damn, the thought of being arrested was bad enough but I hadn't taken any pictures yet and now for sure there would be no peep show pics for later.  What a waste!  Anyway, Officer Unfortunate Interruption waited with a scowl and a blue hat while I carefully made my way out of the shrubbery.  I must have looked much like a bush myself as I had leaves, grass, and dog shit stuck to my clothing. 

"Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Ah, I can explain---"

'Save it for the judge, you're under arrest for being a peeping Tom, and take a shower once in a while!"



So now here I sit in jail having to listen to other prisoners swear and yell.  I had given up on trying to sleep with all this racket but at least I'd learned several new descriptive phases for the human anatomy.  My appointment to appear before Judge Rosenwine wasn't for several more hours and I'd get to enjoy the aroma of Fido for several more hours!




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