Reunited, and it Feels Like Shit!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
Smiling Toy Shop story # 18

Submitted: August 28, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 28, 2013



By Mike Stevens

Smiling Toy Shop # 18


Jasper the Living Teddy Bear supposed he was happy.  A little boy who didn't piss him off too bad had purchased him from the Smiling Toy Shop, and taken him here, a nice quiet house, on a nice quiet street, in a nice quiet part of the city.  It could be worse, he thought.  Just then, Jerry, the kid who had purchased him, yelled to his mom,

"Mom, Lumpy and I are going over to Davy's house."

"Okay, but just make sure you're both home in time for dinner, sweetie."

Lumpy, my fricking name is Lumpy?  Son of a bitch! Jasper thought. 

Davy was Jerry's best friend, and he couldn't wait to show him Lumpy.  Lumpy--err--Jasper, wasn't nearly as excited, however, but he supposed he should just keep quiet and see how things played out.  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but Lumpy?


Jasper and Jerry were waiting on the porch of this Davy's house, waiting for the door to be opened, when through it they could hear the unmistakable sound of raised, angry voices. 

"Do you mind if I answer the door?"

"Probably just more of your idiot friends come over to add exactly zero to anything!"

No, it couldn't be; that sounds just like dip-shit Denbo, thought Jasper. 

The door swung open, and Davy said, "Hi Jerry, come on in."

Jerry, carrying Jasper, walked in and replied "Hello Davy, guess what I got?  This teddy bear named Lumpy."

Davy replied, rather sarcastically, "So what?  I also have a new teddy bear, named Shit Head."

Jasper couldn't help it, he let out a guffaw.  Immediately, horrified, shocked, expletive-filled cries came from Jerry.  "Oh, shut your pie hole, you pansified reject!" a disgusted Denbo spoke up.  But, instead of shutting up, Jerry started crying and shouting for his mother. 

"You see what your little outburst caused?" said a smirking Denbo said to Jasper, who couldn't get over the shock of seeing Asshole again.  What were the odds?  Millions of homes, and his new owner just had to be friends with no-nuts's owner (conveniently forgetting the fact that he was nut-less too).  

"My outburst had everything to you finally being properly named!"

Denbo turned browner with rage, and came at Jasper with anger glinting in his button eyes, "Why you son of a bitch; I'll kill you!" and the two bitter enemies slammed into each other, flying ass-over-teakettle in a furry heap; with tufts of hair launched into the air over their heads, as they each tried to gouge out the others' eyes.  

At that moment, Davy's mom Doris slammed through the door from the kitchen, "What in the hell's going on in here?"

Immediately, Jasper and Denbo (sensing a golden opportunity to further mess with Davy) lay still, and Davy replied, "Mom, I swear the two teddy bears got into a huge fight, an---"

Doris turned beet red with anger, and shouted, "Oh, for Christ's sake!  Enough with the lies; and not even believable lies."

"No, he's telling you the truth," Jerry spoke up.

"Not you too; 2 liars, and one's my own son!" and she turned around and stormed towards the door.

Denbo got a wicked gleam in his button eyes, and said in a falsetto, "I know you're my mom, but 'duh!"

Doris immediately saw red, not more of this living teddy bear bullshit!  "Why, you little smart-ass bastard!" and went after Davy, and started smacking his butt.

Jerry tried to tell her that it was one of the teddy bears who had said it, but Davy's mom was hearing exactly none of it.

"You--little--bastard" she screamed, as her hand shot forward again and again and connected on a wailing Davy's backside. 

Meanwhile, Denbo and Jasper exchanged a satisfied glance, as even Jasper could appreciate what Denbo's comment had caused to happen. 

At last, Doris seemed to remember herself.  "Oh, you kids stay here; I'm going down to Zeke's and try to calm down for awhile."  Zeke's was a nearby tavern, and she stomped towards and out the door.  For a period of about a minute, the only sound to be heard was the pitiful sobs and sniffles of Davy; then Denbo and Jasper looked at each other, and both burst out laughing.  Suddenly, all their disagreements were put on hold, as they were momentarily united in humor, as they continued laughing uproariously.  Then, their mirth was competing with Davy's sobs, and little Jerry's frightened wailing, as he realized how scary it was to have not one, but two talking teddy bears. 

Denbo cursed, and said, "Would you shut up?  Jeeze, I---"  Jerry's only response to his words was to cry louder.  "Oh, for Christ's sake; SHUT UP!" and he looked in exasperation at Jasper, who yelled,

"Mumbo-jumbo!"  Immediately both Jerry and Davy collapsed on the floor. 

"Oh, thank you God!  I couldn't take anymore of his whiny, pathetic crying; 'Oh, I'm so scared because there are two living teddy bears flipping me shit; oh!'"

Just then, the phone rang, and rang several times until in went to the answering machine.  Then an amplified voice said, "Yes, hi, this is Jerry's mother calling, just wanted to check up on him, and to--"

Denbo could no longer resist, he picked up the phone and sneered, "Yeah, hello?  This is Davy's father, Hank-Lee, and who the fuck is Jerry?  I just came out of my bedroom where I was watching a porno movie, to grab another malt liquor and grab another pack of cigarettes, to hear this crap.  I just got rid of one screechy voice in Davy's mother, and another one calls.  Look, I'm sure they're fine if this Jerry is Davy's little friend; they borrowed my car to go cruising for tail."

"What, they're just little kids; they should never have been allowed to drive!"

"Oh, the liquor probably made them brave, and to be honest, I really wasn't paying that much attention; I mean, 'give me a fricking break, kids, yak, yak, yak!"    

"Liquor?  Driving?  Say, what kind of a father are you?  I'm calling the police; you need to be arrest--," at this point, Denbo slammed the receiver down, and both he and Jasper were rolling on the floor with laughter.


A little while later, a calmed-down Doris turned the key in the lock of the front door.  She glanced in the living room and saw Davy and his friend sprawled across the floor, fast asleep, with a couple of teddy bears keeping them company.  She felt guilt for spanking Davy, but he'd stood right here and lied to her face; 'Mom, my teddy bear said it,'  Come on, how stupid did he think she was?


The End




© Copyright 2020 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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