“Here it is, back by monetary—err—popular demand! The hit stage play that ran for over 1 week on the Siberian stage, “Superloon” Yes, the author (who uses the symbols *!* to protect himself from prosecut—err to protect his identity because he’ll be making people madder than shi—err—protect his pile of garbag—err—hit stage play from theft: you might be saying to yourself, “Why didn’t the dick just use a false name?”) *!* has written a completely-fabri—err—factual play based on the pipedrea—err—his patheti—err--amazing life! *!* weaves together one regurgitated fairy tale—err—real-life tale after another, into a bloated rip-off—err—tragic tale of greed, love, greedy love, more greed and more love! What follows is completely-made-up--err--a thinly-veiled story of *!*’s life. You’ll want to vomi—err—purchase a signed (of course, not by Serge—err--the author!) working script of the loser—err—hit pay of the Siberian stage!”
Inmate William Wilbong: Clay Nudge
Dr. Mary Twohutch: Alice Tasker
Television Reporter Ralph Crammit: Michael Porkside
Patrolman Marlon Fisk: Bobby Simplex
The curtain rises to show the star character, William Wilbong, making his feces into hand puppets. He knows he has to stop acting crazy if he has any chance of returning to the outside world, so he gathers his wits, and, after washing his hands, walks out of his room, and down a short hallway to the office of Dr. Mary Twohutch, the mental facility’s physiologist. Before knocking on her door, he reminds himself to act normally. He knows it will not be easy! He raps on the door, and Dr. Twohutch tells him to enter. It’s Wilbong’s sanity hearing, in which the doctor will determine his fitness to return to society. He walks over to a chair, and the interview begins:
Dr. Twohutch: “Hello William, how have you been? Are you still seeing people who can fly?”
Wilbong: “Oh no, doctor, I realize that’s crazy.” As he’s answering her, he looks out the window directly behind her, and watches several people zoom by the sanitarium, which is located on the sixth floor of the hospital.
Dr. Twohutch: “Well, that’s a positive sign. It shows me that you can tell when your action represent a deviation from reality.”
Wilbong: “I just want to show you I’m much better.”
Dr. Twohutch: “Well, I see you’re making significant progress; I’m inclined to grant your return to society.”
Wilbong: “Oh, thank you, Dr. I won’t let you down.”
Dr. Twohutch: “Well, your case is why I do this job. Turning someone who’s having difficulty coping with reality, such as yourself, and rehabilitating them so they can function normally in society. It is so gratifying.”
Wilbong: “Well, I really appreciate your help and support.”
Dr. Twohutch grabs the release form and signs it:
Dr. Twohutch: “There you are, William, you’re free to go.”
Curtain falls; End of Act 1
The curtain rises to show William Wilbong wearing tights and a cape. He’s walking out onto the town bridge. Incredulous drivers, driving Styrofoam cars that are pulled across the stage by people who are out of the view of the audience, stare and laugh at his attire:
Wilbong, thinking to himself, says out loud: “Yeah, now I’m a flying, crime-fighting super-hero; maybe I’ll get my own show on T.V.”
Just as he says this, a reporter from a local station who just happens to be driving by on his way home from work, and senses a good story, stops his Styrofoam car, and speaks up,
Reporter Ralph Crammet: “Hi, mind if I ask you a few questions?”
Wilbong: “About what?, and who the hell are you?” he answers, looking down at his outlandish outfit.
Crammet: “My name is Ralph Crammet, and I’m a reporter for Action, Live!
Wilbong: “A T.V. reporter? Why no, I don’t mind answering some questions,” he answers, looking straight into the camera and taking off his mask so the viewers get a good look at him.
Crammet: “Okay, I’m here with this guy who claims to be some kind of super-hero. Tell us, who are you?”
Wilbong: “I’m Crime-Fighter Man!”
Crammet: “And what do you do, Crime-Fighter Man?”
Wilbong: “Why, like the name implies, I’m all that stands between law-abiding citizens and disaster! You shouldn’t make fun of me; it might be your a** I save!”
Crammet: “I’m not making fun of you, I just want our viewers to understand what threats are out there.”
As he’s saying this, he’s thinking to himself, in a voice spoken offstage by a narrator,
Narrator: "What an absolute straight jacket loon this clown is! I need to let the police know so they can lock him away. He obviously shouldn’t be loose."
Crammit continues: “Before you answer, let me run to my car and get another pen, this one isn’t working. Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.”
Curtain falls; end of Act 2
Curtain rises to Crammit in his car calling the police. He hurriedly explains the situation, hangs up the phone, and as he’s walking back to the supposed super-hero, he thinks to himself,
Voice-over by Narrator: “I’ve got to keep this guy talking until the police get here.”
He returns to where Wilbong is standing
Crammit: “As I was saying, tell our readers what threats are out there.”
Wilbong: “Oh, the threats are too numerous to get into; take my word for it, they’re out there!”
Crammet: “Fascinating; why don’t you tell us all about yourself; no detail is too small.” 'As he’s saying this, he’s thinking',
Voice-over by Narrator: “Where are the police?”
Wilbong basks in the glow of self-importance:
Wilbong: “Well Ralph and viewers, I was born...”
The curtain falls; end Act Three
Curtain rises; it’s ten minutes later, and Wilbong’s still speaking:
Wilbong: “...the school let out for the summer, and just like that, I was a junior high student.”
Crammet: “Amazing!” As he’s saying this, he’s thinking,
Voice-over by Narrator: “If a cop doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fling myself off this damn bridge!”
At that precise minute, Patrol Officer Marlon Fisk arrives on the scene.
Officer Fisk: “Did someone call for assistance? I’m sorry I’m late, bu...”
Wilbong: “Wait just a minute; something’s wrong here!”
Crammet: “No, I called the police because I..I..saw the driver of the white van behind me with an open container of alcohol.”
Officer Fisk: “No, I was told there was a nut-jo...”
Wilbong: “An open container of alcohol? That’s against the law! This sounds like a job for Crime-Fighter Man! A white van, you say?” and he jumps up on the railing of the bridge.
Officer Fisk and Crammet together: “No!” and both make a desperate grab for him, but they’re too late. Wilbong jumps and plummets out of sight of the audience, where he lands just a couple of feet down on a soft pad.
Officer Fisk: “Oh my god!”
Crammet: “Yeah, did you see him plunge to the rock-hard ground?
Officer Fisk: “Yeah, and the way the crazy bastard’s head exploded like an over-ripe watermelon when he hit the pavement, over 150 feet down?”
Crammet: “Yeah, unbelievable! Hey, I just had an idea: After you get off your shift, can I buy you a beer?”
Officer Fisk: “For free beer? Why wait! It just so happens my shift was over anyhow when I responded to this call; I was just walking out the station door, when this call came in, and because there were no other policemen around, I was sent; so I guess it would be alright for me to hoist a few.”
The curtain falls and after a quick scene change, opens to show the two men sitting at a barstool at a nearby tavern, having obviously swilled beer after beer. Crammet is practically yelling, when he speaks to Officer Fisk,
Crammet: “You know, this day started out kind of weird, what with Superloon, but I ended up with two things out of the deal; a riveting human interest story, and a new friend!”
At this point, the stage goes dark:
Narrator: “This cautionary tale emphasizes the sad fact that if your train comes off the track and you say and do some crazy things, after a while, nobody will give a s***; life goes on!”
© Copyright 2016 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.