“The Last Man on Earth”
A New Play By Tom Sinn
“What if you were all alone in the entire world? Alone not because people pissed you off, and you chose to be alone; try actually totally alone, as in you’re the last man on Earth. The only thing you have to talk to is a lumbering, 8ft. tall alien named Gok, and the rest of his crew from distant space. There’s Sim, an alien butt-kisser who’s also the aliens’ answer to a half-wit, as well as Grindeos, the rookie alien astronaut who’s fresh off the alien-farm, and believes most anything told to him. Once again, we’re giving away script facsimiles in hopes you’ll be impressed enough to blow a couple of weeks worth of your earnings and spend a weekend in New York City, at the fabulous Heaverous Theater on 5th Avenue.
Dave Piton, The Last Man on Earth: Whitey Frost
Gok: Marshall Dillon
Sim: Bob Slappie
Grindeos: Phil Shaker
The Curtain rises on act one. Dave Piton awakes on his car hood, after a night of slamming drinks at the local bar.
Dave Piton: “Whoa, how did I end up on my car hood? I must have over-indulged on hard-liquor drinks, and passed out after driving home, which wasn’t too smart, and curled up on my car hood because I was unable to walk the 15 feet into the house. Now it feels like there’s a loose jackhammer inside my skull, and my mouth feels like a small rodent built a nest in it; yuck!”
Piton painfully looks around his garage and suddenly finds himself getting the spins.
Piton: “Oh, oh, I’d better get outside on the grass, because if I upchuck in here, I’ll just make a mess that’ll be hard to clean up!”
He staggers to the garage door, flings it open, and staggers outside. After a couple of a touch-and-go battles with his rebelling stomach, the urge to vomit passes.
Piton: “Luckily, I no longer feel like ralphing. I sure am hungry, though. I think I’ll wander down to the supermarket, which is nearby, and get something to eat, which would probably be wise.”
The curtain falls
End; Act One:
Act Two opens in a store. Piton, gazing offstage: “Hello? Where is everyone?”
He sees no one.
Piton, getting angry: “Fine! I guess because I’m staggering and appear quite liquored up, no one wants to help me. If this store doesn’t want my business, I’ll take it across the street to the mini-market. They’ll be more forgiving of a customer who’s had just a wee bit too much to drink!
Light fade out, then back in to show a painted curtain that shows a different store’s interior that has fallen in front of the store set.
Piton: “Now, what the hell? Either I’ve had more to drink than about 4 grown men, or something very weird is going on. There’s no one here, either. Hello?”
Suddenly, he notices about an 8-ft. tall dude with strange-looking clothes coming towards him.
Piton: “Are you the manager here? I would like to buy a corndog, but I can’t seem to find anyone who’s willing to help me. How about it pal, would you help me? You know, I’ve heard it said that the customer’s the boss; well, if that’s the case, consider yourself fired!”
Gok: “You are now the prisoner of Dalbar; surrender is futile! Wait, I messed something up; resistance is useless! Wait! Resistance is...resistance is...damn, resistance is something!”
Suddenly, Piton notices 2 more strangely-dressed dudes who have come up behind the first guy.
Sim: “Hey boss, check it out! These dead animal flesh strips are packaged in what appears to be airless atmosphere, like outer space!”
Gok: “I thought I ordered you to guard the ship?”
Sim: “Guard it against what?"
Piton uses the aliens' arguing amonst themselves to run out the door.
End; Act Two
Curtain rises to Dave Piton's living room, which is nearby, to which the aliens have followed him, much to their chagrin.
Gok: “Don’t you Earth b******s listen? The whole way here I was telling you to halt, but no, you just kept going. What part of “halt!” don’t you understand?”
Piton: “Blow it out your chunk-hole, you alien son of a b****!”
Gok: “I guess by “chunk-hole”, you’re making a crude reference to my waste ejector, and believe me, you wouldn’t want that.”
Grindeos: “To quote a human phrase, “no s***t; eeh, ha, ha! Do you see what I did there? I made a human joke; and they said we wouldn’t learn d**k from Earth creatures!”
Gok: “Our job is to eliminate all humans so we can take over, not “learn about d**k” from them; pull your head out of your waste ejector!”
Grindeos: “Sir, that would be an impossibility; my head would have to bend at an impossible ang--”
Piton: “Wait; what do you mean “eliminate all humans”?
Sim: Shut up, human; our leader was just about to explain, if you’d let him finish!”
Piton: “My bad, please, go ahead,” he nods at Gok.
Gok: “Oh, I was just going to say that our Assorted Life Forms Space Sucker-Upper has sucked up all the humans, all of them but you.”
Piton: “Well, if I have a choice, I’d rather not be sucked, thank you very much! Maybe your scanners registered me as an inanimate object because I passed out on the hood of my car.”
Grindeos: “That would explain it, boss.”
Gok gives Grindeos a ‘You’re an absolute moron!’ look, and says, “'That would explain it, boss!'You are, without a doubt, the stupidest idiot in Dalbon’s army; do me a favor, shut that hole in your face! If I wanted any waste out of you, I’d ask your opinion. Since I didn’t ask, zip it!”
Grindeos: “Yes sir!” he replies, embarrassed
Piton struggles to understand through his alcohol-addled brain: “What? How did you manage to kill every single person on Earth?”
Sim: “We killed not only single people, but married ones also!”
Gok: “Why must you always be a pain in the waste ejector? So, you’ve been studying up on humanities’ way of life; that’s kind of an oxy, moron; they no longer have a life to be studied; eh, ha, ha!”
Sim: “Eh, ha ha; good one boss!”
Gok: “You waste ejector kisser!”
Piton, glaring at Gok: “Answer my question, you space-freak!”
Grideos: “Technically, you are the space-freak; I mean, two arms? Talk about overkill!”
Gok: We used our Assorted Life Forms Space Sucker-Upper because our kind needed a new planet to colonize, and this one was perfect, perfect except it was already overrun with a useless life form.”
Piton: “Hey, be careful who you’re calling useless, and if you eliminated everyone, what would you call me?”
Sim: “Late for dinner?”
Gok: “Sim, please go back to the ship and wait there.”
Piton: “I see bad jokes are universal!”
Sim: “I’ll be quiet.”
Gok: “Too late; I’m not going to tell you again!”
Sim turns dark orange, and screams: “For 1,526 trillion miles I’ve had to put up with your overlord bulls***t! Sim, do this or Sim, do that. Well no more; you’re not the boss of me, anymore!”
Gok: “You dare to question me? Why, I’ll make the trip back to Dalbar a living hell; now club the human over the head and let’s go back to pick up the colonists.”
Sim: “Shove it, sir!”
Gok: “Don’t make me come over there and break your one and only arm!”
Grindeos: “S*** Sim, don’t be an idiot!”
Gok: “Too late; Grindeos, you club the human. And I’ll deal with you later, Sim.”
Grindeos: “Why me?”
Gok: “What, you too? You’re going to defy me?”
Grindeos: “You know I abhor violence of any kind!”
Gok: "S**t, I forgot you’re a space-p**s! Never mind, I’ll handle it myself. When we get back to Dalbar, I’ll report your insubordination. You two will be wearing boulders on you backs in the Pramafecation mines!”
Sim and Grindos together: “Not the Pramafecation mines!”
Gok: “That’s right, I said the Pramafecation mines! Now stand aside while I club the human, and carry out our mission.”
Sim: “‘Aint no way I’m going back to Dalbar, not if you’re going to nark.”
Grindeos: Yeah, me either!”
And both Grindeos and Sim grab Gok’s one and only arm and march him onto their ship.
Gok: “Unarm me immediately! You b******s have dorked with the wrong Dalbarian!”
Sim: “No, I’m giving the orders now; get your waste ejector on that ship, and leave Earth’s atmosphere, alone. Grindeos and me are staying here, where we’ll build up a new civilization, where little Dalbarians will live in peace, far away from b******s like you!”
Grindeos: “Wait, you’re giving the orders? What, am I chopped Marlibeast?”
Sim: “Bummer dude; that’s the way it’s going to be!”
Gok: I’ll tell you guys what; if you unarm me right now, I’ll pretend this little incident never happened.”
Sim: It’s too late for that; now you better get going.”
Gok: “Eat my waste ejector! I’ll return to Dalbar alright; I’ll return and bring the whole Dalbarian army back with me and hunt you bastards down!”
And with that, Gok gets aboard the space ship, hand-cranks the Buron engine till it starts, and angrily guns the engine. The curtain falls.
End of Act Three
The curtain rises to show the interior of Gok’s space ship, and as Act Four opens, an angry Gok is piloting the ship; all the while, he’s muttering to himself, ‘I’ll show those dumb b******s that they picked the wrong dude to mess with; sons of b*****s!’ And he presses the accelerator, his head snaps back, and the curtain falls. After a few seconds, the curtain rises again to show Sim, Grindeos, and Dave Piton sitting around Piton’s dining room table.
Piton: “Okay, now what?”
Sim: “Now what what?”
Piton: “What, as in ‘what do we do now?”
Sim: “What we need to do is start mating, so as to rebuilt our numbers”
Grindeos: “Yeah. Good idea, Sim. I guess I’ll be chopped Marlibeast for awhile. I’m not happy about it, but one of us needs to be in command so we can get things done.”
Piton: “Ah, Earth to you two space-idiots, there’s just one small detail you’re forgetting. All the women are dead, and we’re all guys. I like you guys well enough, but not that well!”
Sim and Grindeos both groan. The curtain falls.
End of Act Four
End of Play
© Copyright 2016 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
Book / Humor
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